Merry Christmas!

I hate being this MIA on my blog. At one point I was trying to post at least one time a week...but since my last post was on November 6th, I am not doing a great job at sticking with it. But here we are on Christmas morning and I thought I would at least make a small note.

MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone! I hope that your day is amazing and blessed beyond what you can even imagine. And I hope that today we can all remember why this day is really special...our Savior was born on this day. Something we tend to take for granted or forget but I hope it is not lost as we open gifts, eat food, and travel to be with family and friends.

Mike and I have had a busy few weeks and I look forward to giving a FULL update this coming week. Until then, have a safe and happy Christmas!

Feeling empty...

During this time of waiting, bad days are something I have grown used to, even bad weeks. When I look back to the last 3 years, I have to force myself to remember the good times and growth that have taken place. But those days that I would cry for no good reason and felt like I had the weight (or wait in our case) of the world on my shoulders, it is those days that I remember like the back of my hand. How is it that we dwell on those memories and not the times where we laughed with friends, had an amazing date with our spouse, or just had joy in our hearts?

This was a bad week for me. If you didn't catch that from the title of this post, I am drained in so many ways. It was Thanksgiving of 2007 that Mike and I started trying to have a family and it was last year around this time that Nightlight was giving us false hope about getting a baby by Christmas. This is a tough time of year for us and this week I am feeling empty. I feel like I have no more tears to cry, no more patience to wait for my baby, and my hope, well that is the thing I was lacking the most. Please don't think that I am throwing a pity party for myself here because in truth, the week had many good moments that I am choosing to remember over the moments that crushed me.

During this bad week I was emailed lyrics by my wonderful sister to a song about this emptiness and about how much God provides and deserves our praise for these moments. This song was yet another reminder in my life about how much God is still working. Whether it is in the desert, the battle, the fire, or even in the harvest, God is working out His will for my life and will use it to bring glory to His name.

It was this song that has a verse that says that even in the harvest when we are filled, he will empty us again and start over, trusting God and growing in different and beautiful ways. I am feeling empty, but my God will fill me and it will glorify God more than I can even think possible.

This is still not a great week and I am still feeling empty...but I am reminded that He WILL fill me.

Hillsong, "The Desert Song"

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
And weakness or trial or pain
There is faith proved more worth than gold
So refine me lord through the faith

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conquerer and co-heir with Christ
So fill my his promise ill stand

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have reason to worship

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

And this is my prayer in the harvest
And favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empties again
The seed I receive I will sow

(watch the YouTube video here)

Finding encouragement from a 6th grader

I think I have mentioned on here that I quit my job at Biola in June and got hired part time as the Health Clerk at an elementary school here in Irvine (4 minutes from my house actually!). When I first started in September, I would come home from work and felt so unqualified for the job and wondering why God brought me to this school. I mean, I missed the amazing friends I had at Biola and I missed being in a Christian environment daily. So why would He take me away from that only to be in a job that is totally opposite. Then to be totally honest, I took it to other aspects of my life. Like why would He put Mike and I in this place in our lives. Being infertile and going through an adoption process that just seems endless. I turned to God and begged Him for hope during this time. Our Grace Group prayed for little moments where we felt encouragement that was only from Him. Not only for this time as we wait for our child to be in our arms but also with where He has taken me in life.

Jump forward a couple weeks...I am at work and a girl named Sara comes into the Health Office. I know her because she has an colostomy bag so she comes in for...well maintenance of her bag sometimes (I'm trying to not be too graphic). Monday she comes in and the bag is leaking so we call her mom to bring her a new one. Sara stays in my office till her mom comes and in the 15 minutes she is in there waiting, we start to talk. I have to say first that this girl is very mature for only being in the 6th grade...little did I know why.

I start to ask Sara why she has the bag and she tells me her story. Her family is from the Middle East and her kidneys were failing. The doctors told her parents that if they do not take her to America, she will die very quickly. Her parents moved their family to the other side of the world and landed in Los Angeles for her to be seen at the UCLA Medical Center. Sara desperately needed a kidney transplant. She told me that her mom gave her one of her kidneys so that Sara could live. By this time in the story, I was already in awe of this young woman sitting in front of me. But there was more. The kidney transplant didn't explain the bag so she said that after her transplant, she got another disease that forced her to have a colostomy bag for a period of time, in hopes that she will be able to have yet another surgery to repair her colon and intestines so they function as they should. Sara, at 11 years old, is someone I admire.

Her story moved me and she told me that she understands that her story is one that will motivate people and remind them that life is precious, no matter how hard it can get. She shared with me how she struggles with her classmates complaining about the mundane things in their lives...like "my playstation is broke" or "my stomach hurts." This girl wishes that were her biggest problem. You know when your parents say, "it could be worse"?? This is the worse they are referring to. And when Sara told me this, I kinda understood what she was feeling (in a totally different way, of course).

It's hard living a life that doesn't come easy. Where there is a lot of sickness while others are healthy, and people are having babies or getting matched in an adoption quickly while the rest of us have to wait forever. But it was Sara that showed me that we have to continue to live life and move forward. We can't dwell on how our life isn't easy but to just live. And for me that means living and trusting God more and more.

So, after my encounter with Sara, I realize why I am this school. I'm there to learn from these kids and to be there for them. The kids, staff, and teachers are starting to respect me and lean on me for support and I love being able to give that. Yes, this time in my life may not feel easy. I am sooo tired of waiting to be a mom. This time feels endless but I am exactly where God wants me...for now. Little did I know the encouragement that I (and many others) were praying for, would come from a 6th grade girl named Sara.

Adoption update

Right now I am sitting at Barnes and Noble using their free wi-fi along with every college student in the area (who are probably studying for mid-terms) and realized how old or maybe a little mature I feel. These kids are talking about girls they like, complicated math equations that make my head hurt, and the kid in their class who smokes pot. And it dawned on me that my conversations with friends include how my quiet time with the Lord is, how marriage is great, and babies. I love not being a kid anymore. I would rather talk about these things over anything else...God has blessed me with good friends and a pretty amazing life.

But I realized that for those who actually still read this silly little blog deserve an update on not just where we are in the adoption process but where are hearts are too...so this might be a long one. Bear with me.

We have officially been with Adoption Answers for 3 months now and have been shown to a few birthmothers but no one has chosen us yet. The director Michelle has encouraged us that we are not only being shown regularly but also are liked. There is just someone else that the birthmom likes better (which is okay because that was obviously not meant who we get matched with). We have been chosen as #2 (in the event that #1 can't fulfill its responsibilities...much like Miss America!!). So it could be the next birthmom who looks at our profile book that chooses Mike and Kim as her #1. We just have to have a little more patience...which we apparently have plenty of....most days!

Now this is where we are...pretty much the same place we were last time I gave an update. But with each day, week, and month, our hearts are always changing. I am constantly growing and becoming the woman God has always desired for me to be. Some days I still get sad that I still don't have a baby but for some reason, God is so loving to me...someone who is so sinful and does not deserve His love at all. But Mike and I were reminded by someone that God loves us more than we can even imagine and that all the love we feel we have for a child, His love for us is infinitely more than that. I guess I take that for granted and don't really think about how much He loves me very often.

But let me get real for a minute. All the growth and passion to know God more has been amazing and such a blessing in this time...but that isn't all that is going on in my heart. I also have had issue with being hopeful and having faith in God that He will provide us a child. Sometimes we feel like we have been traveling in a car for the longest stinkin' road trip ever and that it will just never end. I know that so many friends have encouraged us that it is in God's timing but it is so hard to feel that way when we are in the midst of the waiting and in the time where we are waiting for that perfect timing to be now. So it is in those times that I struggle to remain hopeful that we will get a baby and when I don't know if God has remembered me or whether He will really be allowing us to be parents.

Satan loves when I feel like this. He loves when I feel like I can't take it anymore and when I start to lose faith in God...but I won't let him win. I will have faith and be more hopeful because God is the thing in my life that means the most. His unconditional love is something that I want to always remember. He loved me enough to send His son to die for my sins on a cross...how could I not trust Him, especially in my weakest moments?

So right now, sad and happy are feelings I wrestle with regularly. But God gets me up every morning and reminds me that today is another day...and one of these mornings I will get up and it WILL be the day that we will get a call. I have hope and faith in my amazing, loving God!

Website

The adoption group we are with, Adoption Answer, is updating their website and asked us to send a picture and a little paragraph about us. The director put up our info today and this is a link to the "waiting families" page. I hope that a birthmother is able to get a little glimpse of who we are and desire to know us more.

Our hearts are down about this whole situation lately. It feels like a never ending and hopeless situation. Our faith is being challenged daily and our need for our Lord and Savior grows by the minute. Today in church I was convicted that I have made the idea of parenthood an idol in my life. It is something that I have used as an indicator of when I will feel fulfilled in life. I guess God reminded me that it is not my being a mother or having a baby that will fill me but only by His spirit that I will ever be truly satisfied. This will take some time for me to digest and to apply to my life because I know that my heart longs to hold a child of my own but to even begin to allow myself to think that I need to let the whole idea go and put it in His hands is an extremely tough thought for me right now.

God is good but this waiting is not easy. I lean on the verse Jeremiah 29:11 these days...His plans for me are good and that is what I need to be clinging to. I just need to remind myself of this pretty much every second of the day. He is working in me and a very dear friend so lovingly reminded me of that. And I want to also be reminded of those things that He is doing in me so I can use that as encouragement during this time. The growth, the depth, and even the hopelessness that brings me to my knees....these are the things God is doing in me.

Quarter of a century

Today is my last day of being 24 years old. I know that most people (who are older than me) tell me that I am still so young and have a lot to experience but I have been through a lot in my 24 years, 364 days. And as I look back, I just want to simply say that I am so grateful for it all. I thank God for the ups and the downs. The happy and the sad. The fun and the terrible. It is all a part of my story of ME!

We are celebrating tomorrow at the Magic Kingdom at DisneyWorld...and it is amazing here. Weather is perfect and its like God lightened the humidity just for our vacation. I am so grateful to my husband for this time away together. As we sat over dinner tonight I was so reminded of what a great life I have.

And tomorrow as I turn 25 years old, I want to look forward to the next years to come. I hope they are just as great, fun, terrible, sad, and crazy as the last 25 have been!!

Fasting

I've never really fasted from anything before. I guess I never thought I had the need to. There was nothing, in my opinion, I needed to be away from in order to grow and become a better person. At least until recently.

I think I need to go back a little bit. About a year ago, I had about 15 friends who were pregnant. My struggle with infertility was tearing at my heart every minute of the day and to top it off, I had to watch their pregnancy on facebook. It was torture. So I gave it up. And I would love to tell you that I did it cold turkey and just didn't check it...but that would be a HUGE lie! My darling husband went onto my account and changed the password (and his!) so that I could not go on at all. I stayed off for a few months, and let my heart heal a little bit. It was the best time of my life. I wasn't constantly consumed with this stupid social network with my so-called "friends" or what I like to call them...my stalker subjects. And to top it off, I didn't have to constantly look at my friends bellies as their child grew inside of them or hear if it is a boy or girl. Again, it was a great time away. And when I felt I was ready, I got my password and went back to my usual facebook life.

This was ok...until recently. I'm an email and facebook junky. I love to be on it and check it and see what everyone is doing. And the weirdest thing is that I don't know if I really care that they went to the dentist and had 4 cavities filled or not (sorry friends!).

But the 2 worst things were happening because of my time spent on facebook. I ignored my husband and I ignored my God. Mike was constantly getting ignored because I would quickly grab my laptop and look at the last news from everyone...some people I actually care about pictures and stuff they post but others are people I don't even talk to anymore....my old life. But even worse was that I would choose to go on facebook so much that my time with God and in His word was almost non-existent.

This past Sunday at church and also at our small group I was challenged to think of the things that keep me from going deep with God...let alone having a regular personal time with Him. So I told Mike that I need him to change the old facebook password that he so lovingly created for me a year ago for the next 3 weeks. For 3 weeks I am with God everyday. I have been talking to Him, listening to Him, and desiring to be close to my Father. I haven't felt this passionate about God in...well I don't even know if I ever felt this way about Him. And as I read the Bible, I am reading it with different eyes. It's as if I only read it as a story and not as the truth of Christ before. And I am really asking God to change me and mold me into the woman He has always wanted me to be in these next weeks....and that if He wants me to cancel facebook, that He will give me the strength and peace to do so. I don't need it...I just need Him.

So my first fast. It is powerful and is drawing me closer to 2 very important people in my life. Mike and I have had some fun just hanging out, going for walks, and talking about God and read books to help us grow. And again, with God...my eternal Father who I have put aside for far too long.

Have Faith

I have been struggling lately. I feel like God forgot about us and in this time of doubt, a dear friend prayed with me and then reminded me of a song from our church worship CD. Its called "Have Faith" and it really touched home with me. I need this and have listened to it a bunch today. It is my prayer for my life right now and maybe it can be yours for what you are going through.

CHORUS
In trust, believe
Take hold, receive
BE BOLD! BE STRONG! HAVE FAITH!
Let go of doubt
With hope step out
BE BOLD! BE STRONG! HAVE FAITH!

Have faith when the test is long
Have faith, right will conquer wrong
Have faith, God's working out His plan
Have faith in His sovereignty
Have faith, though you cannot see
Have faith, stay the course, persevere

CHORUS

Have faith, God will vindicate
Have faith through the endless wait
Have faith, God's timing is the best
Have faith, God is very near
Have faith, don't give into fear
Have faith, stay the course, persevere

CHORUS

Hold onto the God who's holding on to you
Be strong in the grace that God is giving you
Hold onto the God who's holding on to you
Be strong in the grace that God is giving you

Love our small group!

Mike and I have been a part of a small group for a few years now and the people in that group have become like family to us. They have walked with us in great times and also in our worst times. Sunday nights have become a time we cherish. Not just for the time in the word and prayer time but for the fellowship we share over dinner every week. I have talked about them before but today I want to talk about something much more.

This past Sunday night, we had a smaller group than normal and it was pretty much amazing. Our conversation was such a blessing as we talked about how to best support and love our leaders in the church. As we started this discussion, we said that sometimes it is hard to know how to best pray for the leaders because they don't always share specific requests. Our thoughts on how to pray for the unknown lead us to the talk about how we can best be praying for each other in our group. It was this discussion that the conversation about being more in each others lives came up. And not just getting to hear the prayer requests about family, work, etc but about our hearts and walks with God. Sometimes, at least in my experience, the deep thoughts tend to not come to the surface. We don't like to look vulnerable, especially in regards to our spiritual life. I know for me, I think everyone has a better relationship with God so I don't want to share those struggles with everyone.

But this past Sunday, we went there. The group really opened up and I feel like I know and love those people more than I did the day before. As a group, we started something. Something that we can now show to those who weren't there. I'm excited to see this new desire to go deep to play out. I mean, that is what a small group is about...it isn't just about the Bible study or dinner but about being in each others lives.

This is the kind of group of people I want my children to see their parents interacting with. I want them hearing us talk about our faith. Not just the good but the bad and ugly. They should know that we are comfortable sharing this with others so that when they are ready to accept Jesus in their hearts, they know they can talk with us or their Sunday School teachers, because they saw their mom and dad doing that same thing. And as they grow in their faith, they can think back to the years we were all a part of this Grace Group and find others they can go deep with.

This is my dream for not only my friendships now for myself but the example I can now set for my children.

5 years...

It was 5 years ago today that I stood in that very spot and promised to love and cherish Mike Wise for the rest of my life. A day that I love remembering and celebrating. This year, we hit a big milestone...5 years. Feels like we were just newlyweds! I love being married to this man. This won't be a long post but I just wanted to say how much this man has changed my life. He is truly my best friend and partner in life. We have been through all the ups and downs and have come out stronger and more in love with each other. I am so blessed to be his wife.

Feelings check

When I was in high school, our family went to therapy (not for anything serious) and I hated it. I always felt that I didn't need to be there and that it was stupid. Now, as I can look back on those times in that office, I appreciate the tools that therapist taught us. I even use them today with myself and my thoughts and also with Mike in our marriage...and I hope that we can use them with our children to help build strong communication.

One of the more annoying (but also super helpful) things we were expected to do was a "feelings check." That is how we would start every session I went to. Now this wasn't just saying angry or frustrated or annoyed but to really dig and say how you were feeling. This was especially helpful when our family did not want to talk or really be honest with each other.

And this morning I was having my quiet time and was in the book of Matthew 13-14. The first chapter was the parables and chapter 14 was about the death of John the Baptist and the feeding of the five thousand. For some reason, chapter 14 left me awestruck. I was reading how sad Jesus was that his friend and brother John died. He went for a walk and had time by himself...he was feeling and mourning. I actually started writing this post yesterday and when I started reading about Jesus' feelings, I was humbled to remember that He feels too. I mean, I am amazed that God feels everything we feel, when I am sad so is He, when I am happy so is He. He takes it on and even in His human years, He too was like me...feeling things. So I am realizing that Christ wants us to acknowledge our feelings because He knows how they feel in so many ways. (I'm sure this sounds confusing but it was a great thing for me to understand this morning).

So today, I am wanting to do my own feelings check. Today I am feeling joyful and anxious. On the one hand, I am just so excited for the things that lie ahead of us and what each day brings. But the human impatience of it all is almost too much! I love this stage, I really feel like God is getting my maternal instincts together and preparing me for motherhood. The joyful, anxious feelings are beyond welcomed because they bring a peace and a hope along with them.

Moving forward...

Wow, so last week we officially signed a contract (and wrote a hefty check!) with Adoption Answer, an adoption facilitator. It feels so good to be moving forward with this group. The director is pretty much amazing and has made us feel loved and cared for already, and we only met once!

After we got the contract signed, we went right to work on our books. I bought a publishing program and worked my tail off on them. They turned out pretty darn good...if I don't say so myself! They are all printed and on Wednesday morning, I am gonna take them to their office in Riverside and hopefully it won't be long till we are shown to birth mothers. And even more, we are praying it will be a quick process...we hope to get matched quick.

Lately, I have been thinking and listening to God a lot. When I think about this process, and how I think God wants out story to look like, I always get this amazing excitement and peace about things moving really quick. Like, we get a call from the hospital, quick. So lately I have been telling God that if that is what He has planned, we are on board. We have a baby's room done, diapers and formula for a month, and hearts that are so ready to love a child of our own. My stomach is getting those excited flutters just thinking about being a mom soon.

We have an awesome vacation planned for September, actually for the week of my 25Th Birthday. We are going to Disney World to visit Mike's little brother Jon who is working as a chef there. I'm so excited to be able to do this...we have free flights, free entrance into the parks, and 1/2 off our hotel! Amazing! But Mike made a comment that gets me even more excited for this trip...he really feels like we will either be bringing a baby with us or we will be having to cancel last minute because we are getting our child. I mean I know that God may totally have other plans but its amazing how He has given Mike and I these little feelings of hope and peace.

Our God is so great and I love knowing that He is there for us...and has been from day 1. He has walked with us through our valleys and our peaks and right now, we are joyful in what He is doing because we truly feel that HE is doing something amazing in our lives and is definitely leading us in our lives!!!

Just sitting on our patio....

And realizing that it has been almost a month since I posted anything. So much has been going on...

Staying home has been so nice...I am not stressed out and feel like I can think again. I did get a part time job at the Irvine School District but I still have a month and a half off so its good for now! Its funny, I never really thought I was a stressed person but I am learning that I totally was. Its not that I didn't like working at Biola (especially since I loved the people there) but I guess the work did overwhelm me. I thought I had to do it all and help everyone. But now that I am home, I am seeing that I cannot get it all done in one day and it's ok to take my time to accomplish all the tasks I have before me.

In other news, my darling husband turned 30 this past Saturday. I have been spoiling him for the last 30 days and loved watching him just enjoy all his friends and family at his party. On Friday, we went to the Great Park in Irvine and rode the hot air balloon...it was amazing!

Then we celebrated with a great party and I think Mike had fun... I love this man and am so grateful for who he is. He really is a great person and it is a huge blessing to be his wife.

In adoption news, we are signing a contract with an adoption facilitator tomorrow. Their job will be to find us a baby. They usually get people matched within 1-4 months. We are feeling like God is really in control and leading us step by step in this decision. God has a child out there for us and know that He will bring us together soon! I will hopefully have more news soon!!!

Update

I think I am way overdue for an update. We got some unfortunate news last Sunday (Fathers Day) from the birthmother. She texted us to let us know that she had the baby. After talking with the social workers, she is keeping the baby. Looks like we are back at square one and waiting to be matched again. We were definitely disappointed and are working through those feelings.

In other news, my last day at Biola was last Friday and now I am staying home being a housewife. Today is my first day at home. So far I have done laundry, made lunch for Mike, and plan to do a lot more. I am loving getting the house organized and together for us. I'm glad i can do this for Mike so he doesn't have to worry about it when he gets home. (I kinda think he is liking it too!)

Ok...I think that is it for now! Will keep more updated now that I am at home!

Change is in the air!

Change is not something I particularly enjoy. I like being in my little comfort zone with the people I know and doing the things I know as well. So when things change with this zone of mine, I cringe a little. My childhood was marked with change and being adaptable---I never complained because it made life interesting. So as I entered adulthood and could make decisions for myself, I have tried to keep my zone as comfortable as possible. I went to a school where I didn't get to know a lot of people because it was huge, have worked at a job for almost 3 years even though it isn't my dream job, and so many other things.

But change in on the horizon for the Wise family. Next Friday (the 25th) is my last day at Biola. I am quitting my comfortable job to see what God has in store for us. Whether that be becoming a mom or finding a job that is closer to our South OC home. Either one is out of my zone!!!

But I am resting on Jeremiah 29:11---God knows the plans for my life and really, that is all I need in life right now!!! So change...I am welcoming you with open arms!

Faith

Tonight I was watching "16 and Pregnant" on MTV. This episode was about a girl named Lori. Lori is a senior in high school who got pregnant (bet you didn't see that coming!!!). I watched this show and just sobbed. Lori's parents wanted her to give the baby up for adoption but she and the birth father weren't so sure. This couple had a bad relationship and in the end Lori knew that she didn't have any other options so she had to give her baby up for adoption. Her story, along with the adoptive couples journey in this, seemed all too familiar with ours. Watching the heart break this was causing everyone and even the tears that the adoptive couple had during the ceremony they had at the hospital. I was just a mess after watching this.

So, knowing that these emotions were coming from somewhere, I took it to the Lord. I just cried to my Father and told Him how I was feeling. How I want to be a mother and that I am sorry I haven't just let Him be in control of the situation. Then I opened my Bible to Hebrews. I remember Mike and I talking about how he found a few verses there that encouraged him so I turned there as well.

Hebrews 11-12...click here to read it.

These chapters talked about faith. Verse 1 reads "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Ok...I was totally reading this out loud and before I even finished this sentence, God had me completely in tears. Faith isn't waiting for God do everything your heart desires but that God will perform all that He promises and is the foundation for us to build all our hopes for the future on.

Reading about all the people in the Bible who had faith: Abel, Enoch, Abraham and Sarah, Moses...reminds me that God desires for us to trust that He is working in us in a way that we might not see. I feel that God is using this time of struggle and waiting that we have experienced to make me a better woman and ultimately a better mother. I know that He is making my faith unshakable and putting my relationship with Him upon a firm foundation. These are the unseen ways that God is blessing me by my having faith in Him.

The verse that I am going to cling to this week is Hebrews 12: 1-2..."Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." I love how this brings us back to the cross....right where we need to be constantly looking to, no matter where we are in life. That truly is faith.

Update

It's been a while since I posted anything so I think its about time!

Mike has been in Houston for 3 weeks and he is now sitting on the couch next to me playing with our new camera we bought for our hopefully growing family! We are looking forward to just spending time together...and totally dreading Tuesday morning when I have to take him back to the airport for another 3 weeks.

After our meeting with the birthparents a few weeks ago, the birthmom got my cell phone number from the agency and called me to get together. I drove down last friday night and we had a nice dinner together. It was really great getting to know her. But throughout our meeting she seemed VERY confused. She kept saying "If I keep the baby....if i keep the baby..." And giving scenarios of what her life will be like after if she decides to keep it. Didn't exactly make me feel great. I felt weird about the meeting. I talked to Anita (our social worker) and told her what happened and she called the birthmom's social worker and explained it all to her. I think that the birthmom needs someone to talk to and doesn't have many people. But she just didn't realize that I am probably not the best person for that job! So I talked to her social worker last monday and the birthmom has decided that she doesn't want to make a decision about whether to keep the baby or not until after it is born.

So we are back to square one. But we both agree that we are kinda in a good situation...on one hand, she may still give us her baby in a matter of weeks. On the other, now that we aren't in a match process with anyone, we are able to be shown to other birthparents. We are disappointed about everything but feel like God is still in control of everything. I have learned that I tend to find my security in the times when I am able to control a situation. But I am working on putting my control aside and let God lead me in life. That my security comes from Him, the one who is able to do far greater than I can even imagine. Mike and i are so grateful to have a God who we can rely on 100%. Who leads us and allows us to grow closer to Him everyday.

And lastly, Mike and I have decided that since we may still be adopting soon, I have put in my notice at Biola and my last day is June 25th. This is a HUGE leap of faith for us. We feel at peace with this decision and know that God has given us that peace for a reason and we are definitely resting in that.

Well, I am off to spend time with my hubby! Thanks for being a part of this crazy journey with us...we love seeing God work in us and to share it with others just makes it so much more meaningful!

Match Meeting

Thank you so much for your prayers and words of encouragement to Mike and I in this adoption process. You have no idea how much you all mean to us.

Well, we had our meeting with the birthparents Wednesday morning. It was very surreal to be meeting the people who may give us their child but overall we felt good about the meeting. It was so great getting to know them and hear their story. They are very nice; she is kinda shy but he is very talkative...which is probably why we met for over 2 1/2 hours!! After the awkward introduction time, we started to talk and definitely felt more comfortable with them. We talked not only about the adoption but even talked about history and beer!!! So it was great and we are definitely glad it is over.

The birthparents did not make a final decision as to whether they are going to give us their baby. They need some time, which Mike and I fully support. We want them to feel 100% comfortable about this decision. We feel that if they choose us, we will have a good relationship with them in the future which is what we have been praying for!

Please be praying for the birthmother as we could see that this is a difficult decision for her. She knows that she is making the best decision for this child but it is still hard on her. Pray for peace for whatever decision she makes.

We are so glad to see God at work in this situation and are trusting that He knows what He is doing. The verse that I have been really thinking of it Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will makes your path straight." That is what I am really holding onto this week!

Looking foward to giving an update once we hear more!

Pre-meeting emotions

We will be meeting with the birthparents in less than 24 hours. Wow. I have been sleeping poorly the last few nights because my mind has been racing....what kind of questions will they ask us, will they like us, how much should we share about this or that? That and a million other questions are making me crazy! Then I start to think of how I might answer those questions. Which I really have no idea how I will answer them.

So how am I feeling right now? I'm so nervous and anxious for this meeting. I feel like my stomach is twisted and turned a million times. I think that the anticipation of this meeting is really fueling this nerves. I mean, we have been waiting to have a baby for over 2 years and waiting to be matched for 8 months now. So now, we are here and now it is real.

Yet, through all the nerves, I am excited somehow. I cannot wait to meet this amazing couple. They are willing to do something so wonderful for us and that baby. Tomorrow is a big day for us. Tomorrow could be the day that we find out if we are going to be a mom and dad. We could know if we are having a boy or a girl and with that we will know what name we will give to our child. Tomorrow could be the beginning of our story. A story that we are able to praise God for everyday!!!

If you think of Mike and I tomorrow, please be praying for us. Be praying for our story---that God be writing it as he sees fit. That He may write this couple's story as well. And if ours connect somehow, that God would be in control of that. And also, please pray for rest. I know the birthmom is nervous about tomorrow just as we are. Pray that we can sleep and be refreshed and ready for our meeting.

I look forward to sharing news, no matter the outcome tomorrow. God is in control and it is that knowledge that gives us a peace as we enter into this part of our lives.

Meeting date set!

Ok...here are the details for our very big day this week! Sorry for leaving you hanging on that last post!!

We FINALLY have a date set for our meeting with the birthparents....this Wednesday at 10:30AM in San Diego. Sounds like its going to be a super casual meeting and hopefully we will know by the end of that day whether we will be matched with them or not.

In other news, Mike will be leaving for Houston next week for work. We have known about him leaving for a while now but thought it would be either today or tomorrow. We got the phone call from the social worker about an hour after he booked his flight for this coming Tuesday morning. After scheduling the meeting for Wednesday, he got approval to leave this coming Sunday. So he will be leaving after church on May 9th...that means I get a few more days with him!

God definitely was at work because just the night before this call, we decided to just let go of our stress and not worry about it all. We were trying to control the situation (which we really couldn't) so we just left it at Jesus' feet...and it felt nice to release it to Him. It's just so amazing to see how God had planned for us to move forward with Mike's trip to Houston and trust Him, then almost right after get a call about our meeting.

Ways to be praying: that we can be ourselves and let God speak through us as we answer their questions; for their hearts as they prepare to meet the people who may raise their child; and really pray that we can be an example of Christ...not only as individuals but also through our marriage. Mike and I are praising God for all He has done in us in the last couple years and give Him ALL the glory in everything! And just be praying for the time that we are apart in general (safety, no loneliness, etc).

Can't wait to give an update Wednesday after things are hopefully finalized!

Seeing God work is pretty AMAZING!

When Mike and I look at our lives in the last couple years, it blows us away to think of not only what we have gone through but also how much we have grown. It was over 2 1/2 years ago that we decided to start trying to start our little Wise family. We were so excited but never really took the situation to God. Then over almost 2 years later, we felt that God was closing the door on us having biological children and was clearly opening a door to adoption. We were scared and so overwhelmed by all the tasks that appeared before us. And yet, even as we began that process, we tried to lean on our own strength to get us through it all. We loved that we had the control and could get things done and see how much WE have accomplished. Mike and I thought that if a birthmom chose us it was because WE were the "ideal couple." But then something happened (I'm not quite sure what) that made us decide to let go of the control and the pride and we laid our worries, saddness, struggles, heartache, and lack of trust at God's feet. We finally got our hearts where they should be...with our Savior.

Now here we are April of 2010 and seeing how much He has done in our lives just amazes us. God is so good and all glory and praise goes to Him for He is sovereign in all things. He decides how our lives will go and He will be our joy even in times of struggle or impatience. He will open doors and close them when He chooses. Mike put a sticky note on our bathrooom mirror a couple days ago and said that we are going to memorize one each week. The verse for the week just shows how great our God is and that all glory goes to Him and Him alone. Romans 8:18, "For I consider the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." The tough times that we have gone through are not even worth comparing to what God will show us in His timing. What a great way to view suffering. To know that God will reveal His glory and His plans for us and it will make all those tough times completely and utterly insignificant.

As I started this post, I really wanted to make sure that it was truly about the Lord. That He is honored and praised before I give any updates on what is going on in our lives. This is the way I want to live every day of my life. Remembering Christ first.

The last month has been crazy. As I said earlier in this post, God has opened some doors and closed others and it was through those doors opening and shutting, that we have found ourselves more in love with God. He allowed us to find patience so we weren't waiting for the phone to ring. And it was then that the phone DID ring. Last tuesday afternoon we got "the call." One of the social workers from Nightlight called to say that a birthmother wanted to meet us. Us, Mike and Kim, the couple who thought we would be snatched up early on in this process because we let our pride get in the way. Mike and Kim, the couple who watched as God took those things that made us the "ideal couple" and made them the exact reasons why we weren't getting matched. Mike and Kim, the couple who now know that the only reason why we got this call was because God had this planned all along and to whom ALL PRAISE IS GIVEN!!!

More details in another post....

The mercy of God

I think I have always known what mercy is in life. I mean as a kid we always played that mercy game where you try and hurt the other person's hand until they scream "mercy." But lately Mike and I have been wondering what does the mercy of God look like. The Bible is full of passages that talk about asking and even begging for God's mercy. Psalm 116:1, "I love the Lord, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy..." Biblegateway.com defines mercy as "compassion for the miserable. Its object is misery. By the atoning sacrifice of Christ a way is open for the exercise of mercy towards the sons of men, in harmony with the demands of truth and righteousness." We are in a state of misery and yet God chooses to show compassion to us in those times. How often do we use this as a model for our lives?

In this time of our lives, we are miserable. No we aren't moping around and crying all the time, but yet we are in misery. Misery is distress caused by a need or another source. For us, it is the desire to be parents. By this need/desire not being fulfilled, we are in a state of misery. But God has grace on us by giving us a good heart about it. Lately we have been needing some mercy though...to get out of this time of need and enter into a state of happiness.

We know that God is 100% capable of showing mercy and if we believe it, He will do it. There is a song with these words..."Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy on me..." and as powerful as those words are, sometimes we sing it without truly believing it. In A.W. Tozer's book, Knowledge of the Holy, there is a chapter on the mercy of God. He basically says that we need to know and believe that God is merciful. Not that he WAS or WILL BE but that he IS merciful to us now.

I believe this with my whole heart and soul and know that in God's perfect timing, God will show mercy to Mike and I. It may not be in the way that we thought it would or it will be exactly what we are asking for but He is perfectly capable of showing mercy to us right now. WOW...my God is great!

My cousin's wedding...

I know...I know. I have been totally M.I.A. for a couple weeks but I am back and you will be excited to know that I am gonna blog more (maybe even 2 tonight!!).

Ok...so this past weekend my cousin Danielle got married at the Lake Arrowhead resort. It was a beautiful day and a gorgeous setting for a wedding. It was fun to stay in a cabin with my family and get all dressed up!


My cousin and her new hubby Rudy looked great...and this is gonna sound weird but my grandma was the officiant of the ceremony. At first, I thought it was odd but she did an amazing job. She got certified for the day and pretty much rocked it. My grandpa died about 14 years ago and you could tell that she was missing him seeing yet another granddaughter get married. But he was deeply remembered and by her officiating, she brought a little piece of him with her. Here she is with her granddaughters.

All in all the wedding was great but it is sure great to be back home!

What an event!

Today was the start of a long weekend for me. At Biola, we are celebrating Homecoming. It is a fun tradition we started last year to encourage our alumni, friends, students, faculty, and staff of Biola to come and "Revisit, Reconnect, Reunite." (Which was our theme this year!) We have been planning this event for months now and even though I don't do much of the planning, I get to be a minor part in the process. I created the website and took all the reservations. Sometimes being at a Biola event, I start to wish that I had the typical college experience. I'm not so much jealous that about living in dorms or eating in the cafe, but I am jealous of the relationships that remain after all these years.

While celebrating with our grads from 50 years ago, our Golden Eagles, I got to see people who spent years of their lives together reconnect after all these years. It was absolutely beautiful and is exactly why this is my favorite event of the year. God is so amazing the way he leads people to this school and how he keeps their values and love of Biola the same. I don't talk to any of my friends from college. And the friends I do have on facebook from Cal State Fullerton, I would not want to get together with. We are very different and our values in life are different. The people who have friends from Biola have Christ as their connector and that is something to cherish.

This is really why Mike and I really appreciated and not taken for granted the amazing friendships we have at church because they are the friendships that are eternal. They are the friends that we will not only have while on earth but know that we will see them in Heaven as well.

Well, God is good and is doing great things at Biola!!!!

Wait and Hope in the Lord!

Every so often at church there is a sermon that I feel like was given for just me. Yesterday was that day. It was as if Dave Talley stood on the stage at church and I was the only one in the congregation. But as I started to think about it more and talked to people, they too felt the same way. This sermon was perfect for so many people. Whether it is waiting for a baby, a job, a boyfriend...we are all waiting for something and tend to forget that we need to wait on the Lord.

I have said it before, I am not a patient person and waiting is not my thing. I like things to happen right away...I even liked getting up on Christmas morning as a kid at like 2AM because I just could not wait. And even though I don't get up quite as early anymore...I do wait impatiently for the Lord to provide for my needs. But I want to be waiting not just for the things I want to happen but to wait to see God's will be done in my life. I want to grow as a woman of God through this process. Getting into the word more, learning more about who God is and seeing Him always present in my life, and to fear Him for He really is a powerful God who is definitely underestimated sometimes. I desire to see this be the woman I am.

This process has made me more aware of my shortcomings. I recognize when I am falling short of the glory of God more and desire to change that. Maybe it is because I know that soon I will be a mother and want to be a good example for my child or maybe it is that God wants to use this time of waiting to mold me into the woman I long to be. Whatever the reason, I am so grateful for this time. It humbles me to be so aware of what a sinful person I am. But I know that God is with me.

He is with me as I wait for my child to be in my arms. He is with me as I watch my phone not ring everyday. He is with me as I see so many women getting pregnant for the 3rd baby season in a row. He is with me as I eat dinner and even while I type this post. That is something I love about our God and something I strive to live out in my daily life. I want people to see Christ in me...that I may live my life as an woman who has the love of God in her heart and that when Christ returns or calls me home, he may say "well done Kim, my good and faithful servant."

Today's verse to encourage those who are waiting is Romans 12:12: "Rejoice in hope, patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

Grace Caring!

Our church has a group called Project Hope and the amazing people who are in charge started getting those who are interested or are in the process to adopt or do foster care together. Last night was our first meeting of "Grace Caring" and it was so great to just be with other people who have the same passion as you and who totally understand where we are. While talking with our friends who are adopting a little girl from China soon, they expressed how frustrated they are as they wait for final things to come through. Then we told them how we feel the same way waiting for our call too. It was so nice to just get each other. We know how tiring it can be to do all this paperwork then have to leave it totally in someone else's hands to be able to bring your child home. We are so grateful for our church body and the amazing support we have from so many of them!

I love my husband!

Over 6 1/2 years ago, I got so angry at the man that would one day become not only my husband but my best friend. He started subbing at the daycare I was working for and let the kids be a little rude to me since they had him as a counselor when he worked there before. I was so mad at this guy. I had met this guy when I was a little 6th grader and he was in the 10th grade and we went to the same church but that day at work he was just some guy who was annoying me. I was so mean to him. I even tried to get him fired for being a jerk to me---which didn't end up happening...thank God! A few days later we all went out after work and I apologized to him....and that was my first but certainly not my last conversation with this guy...my guy. Had I known that summer day that I would fall madly in love with him, I might have been a little nicer to him. But I like to think that God wanted me to act like that so I would have to humble myself and apologize to see what a great man he was.

Here we are...celebrating our 7th Valentine's Day together tomorrow. Wow, feels like just yesterday he was picking me up for our first. Mike was in grad school the first 9 months we were dating in the Bay Area. He was so busy with homework and projects that he put off making any plans for our first Valentine's Day together. He had a beatiful bouquet of red roses delivered to my work and picked me up (looking quite handsome!) and told me we were going to Pasadena for dinner....at 10:30pm!!! It was all he could get! We had a fun time walking around and talking and really just being together. And now tomorrow, things are different in a great way. We don't need a fancy restaurant or flowers...just each other and a little dinner at home.

But the point of this post isn't just to tell you about how we met and fell in love or how we spent our first Valentine's Day together but to brag about what an amazing man I am married to. Mike is best and most amazing man ever. He is someone who loves with all his heart. He is kind and considerate but knows how to just tell me the truth, even if it might hurt a little. He has a really stressful and smart person job but he manages to not only work really long days knowing that the quality of his work affects the safety so many people but also come home and help with dishes, bills and so many other things. He is the kind of guy that I feel so comfortable when we are talking or when we are just sitting in silence reading a book. He encourages me to be a better woman, friend, sister, daughter, employee, and person in general but still loves me for me. I respect him and know that he is the reason that I have accomplished a lot of things in my life. He truly is my best friend and on this day of love...I want him and all of you to know that I love him....

And as we are ready to venture into parenting soon...I know that my love for him will only get deeper as I watch him hold our child and play with them. This man will be a great dad and we are all so blessed to have him in our lives!

I love you honey and want to thank you for being my valentine! xoxo
(sorry for the mushy post everyone---it is Valentine's Day though!)

Having a grateful heart!

It has been so easy for Mike and I to get caught up in the negative aspects of our life. We aren't able to have any children of our own, we haven't been matched yet, or the fact that the other couple got chosen in this last situation. But God has convicted us to see His hand at work in all things. Tonight my husband and I realized that we are quite selfish and easily dissatisfied with what He has given us or the way He is doing things in our lives. But He also gave us a greater understanding for Him and how He desires us to be as His children.

Since starting this adoption process, we heard from some of the people at the agency that Mike and I are the "ideal couple" and should be matched quickly with a birthmom. We lived off those words..."ideal couple" and "matched quickly" became the terms we used to tell people why we thought we would be parents soon. And soon they were the words that filled our egos and gave us hope in something that God did not provide. Sure, the agency probably wasn't just yanking our chain when they said that but we took it and ran with it. So when this past birthmom came up, we pretty much assumed that Mike and Kim Wise, the "ideal couple" at our agency would be chosen. Little did we know that God was going to use this situation to humble us and bring us on our knees in repentance before Him.

We now see so much more clearly, as if the opaque covering was lifted from our eyes. Not that this should come as a shock to most of you who know us but we are sooo not "ideal." I know...big shock! We are far from it. We have baggage and drama and we are completely imperfect. There is nothing that makes us any more special than the next couple. And for the first time in months, we are so grateful to have an understanding about that. We are also grateful for God allowing us to be passed on by that birthmom. He knows what He is doing and that fact that she felt a peace about the couple she chose is reason enough to be praising God. To find peace in a situation like that for her is truly something that only God can provide. And through this situation, we will be matched with someone who feels a peace about us. The imperfect couple that we are. Lastly, we are so joyful for that couple. They get to be parents of that child and love and cherish it. And maybe they have been waiting for a long time to be matched with a birthmom...longer than us...and now they are able to see God working in this situation. He is allowing His timing and will to be done for them because that is how He planned it from the beginning. How dare we question Him and His will.

Ok so I know this is a ridiculously long post but tonight was a good night....and tomorrow WILL be a great day. Tomorrow I will wake up and see God in all things and be grateful. For the breaths I take, for the husband He has blessed me with, for the rain, for my job, for the friends and family He has given me, and for the hope I have in Him. We may not get "the call" tomorrow or the next day but I can hope that the day will come...and I am grateful that my God already knows which day!

God obviously has other plans...

Well Anita called us today and told us that the birthmom picked a different couple today. Feeling a little sad but realizing that God must have known that this wasn't the best situation or that there is something way better for us.

Thanks for praying for us and please continue to pray for this birthmom as she is nearing the end of her pregnancy.

Potentially good news!

This week has been an eventful one. Mike and I have been feeling a little down because we feel like our agency just isn't communicating with us about where we are in the process. So we sent an email to the social worker who deals with birthmoms (and one to our social worker Anita) telling them how we were feeling and asking for any updates. The other social worker wrote us back saying we have been shown twice but that we weren't chosen and there is another potential birthmom but she is really early in her pregnancy so they aren't showing her any families for a couple months. We felt sooooo discouraged by this because she was the one who kept telling us that we are going to get matched super quick. This was not a good week.....

UNTIL...

Our social worker Anita called me a couple days ago and said that she has a birthmom who is 34 weeks along and who will probably be delivering early due to some health issues (the girl just found out she was pregnant 2 weeks ago!!!). And because there is a chance that the baby will be a preemie, Anita was calling to see if we would be okay being shown to her!!! Anita met with her yesterday and gave her our profile book to look at. Then the birthmom (who is hoping to choose a couple very very soon) will decide who she wants to meet with and ultimately be matched with.

We are soo excited but also trying to remember that she may not choose us still. We have to be realistic in the situation but can't help but getting a little giddy about the prospect of being parents in just a few weeks time!

Ways for you to be praying this week...pray that she likes us and that we hear from Anita this week with some GREAT news! We really urge you everyone to be praying for the health of the birthmom who has been at the hospital on bedrest for a couple weeks and the baby since it will most likely be delivered preemie. And lastly, pray for our hearts that we can patiently wait a little bit more, that we can also get excited, but remembering that God may have a different birthmom picked out for us.

But ultimately we want to praise God for this great step forward. We have been praying for that for a couple weeks and it is so great to really see His hand in all this!!!