Family and Thanksgiving thoughts...

For Mike and I, family isn't necessarily our parents or siblings but the people who we have things in common with and are around often who love each other. Don't get me wrong, we love our parents and siblings. It's just that sometimes we get more love and support by our chosen family. For us, that is our small group and a few amazing people that I work with.

They have walked with us in our sorrow, praised God in our joy, and carried our burdens for us. We have had them over for dinner, picked them up when they needed a ride, and emailed them to let them know we are thinking of them. The love is genuine and is centered on our love of the Father.

With Thanksgiving just yesterday, I have been thinking of what I am thankful for. Oh course I am thankful for God and what He is doing in my life and how He is helping me grow. Also, my husband. Sometimes I cannot even begin to explain how grateful I am to have him in my life. He is my rock and always supports me when I need him. I am also thankful for my family. Between Mike and I, we have great parents and siblings who we love very much. And of course, our amazing second family. Those people know who they are. They are truly great people who we love having in our lives.

Also, just an update...we were hoping to hear that the agency has show some birthmom's our letter but we found out that not only is our file STILL not complete but they haven't shown us to anyone. We are so saddened by this. We have been waiting for so long to be parents that it just keeps getting harder. Especially since we are relying on other people to help us get a child. Please be praying for our hearts and that this process happens quickly but always in God's timing.

Nothing new...

Well...I have nothing new to post but I didn't want it going too long without saying anything to my 5 followers!!! Mike and I have just been waiting for that phone to ring telling us that we have a baby waiting for us or a birthmom wanting to meet us. I'm not gonna lie, this part of the process sucks. Absolutely is terrible on our hearts. We are just so anxious to be parents that everytime the phone rings, my heart drops into my stomach. And I know...Kim, be patient, it will happen in God's timing. Trust me, I know this. But sometimes during the waiting it is hard to remember that. Mike gave me a little of his patience so I am hoping that it tides me over for now!

In other news, we bought a crib for the baby and it is put together and sitting in the baby's room (along with all our other crap). Mike had another dad moment when he got to put baby furniture together. Most dad's get to do this when their wife is 7 months pregnant and can't help. But if you know me at all, you will know that not only am I not pregnant but I love to build furniture. But I loved that Mike wanted this to be his project so that he can tell our child one day that his/her daddy built this bed. He is gonna be an amazing father!

We have had a great week too. We went for 2 walks in our little area of Irvine (which has so many shops and just pretty). First we walked like 2 miles to Target and Babies R' Us then the next night we walked about a mile and a half or 2 miles to Albertsons to get a movie from Red Box. It has been so nice because not only are we getting out of the house and into the nice crisp air, but we also are able to just talk and connect. Sometimes when we are at home, we make dinner and watch TV (or build baby furniture!). But there isn't a lot of talking time. That is something we are happy to change. So for the time we are walking, we catch up on our weeks and tell each other where are hearts are at in this adoption process. Then when we get home, we are able to relax and keep chatting because we have so much to say to each other! I love Mike and being with him in this time is great because we were reminded by a friend at our small group that this time we have as just Mike and Kim may end really abruptly so we must appreciate and take advantage of it while we can.

Ok...I promise that I will post more regularly. I am kinda feeling stuck on what to post for this blog. Its not like we haven't moved forward any in the adoption so I don't have a ton to share...any thoughts??

Being an auntie is pretty amazing!

Well as of Friday, November 13, 2009 at 2:38AM, my big sister became a mommy...and I became Auntie Kim. I left early Friday morning to be with her and see this little bundle of joy. Riley Chapman Smith entered into this world and stole all of our hearts. I was so happy to be with my big sister and tell her how proud I am of her. She is already an amazing mom to Riley. I got to hold him and tell him how much I love him already too. I left Saturday night and here I am a few days later and I miss the little guy. I miss just holding him and talking to him. He really is a beautiful baby and we are all so lucky to have him around.

This is my sister Jen, her hubby Ryan, and little Riley wearing his "My Aunt Kimmy Loves Me" onesie! It's amazing how one little boy can steal the hearts of so many people so quickly!

Can't wait till all our friends can be Auntie's and Uncle's to our little bundle!

The nesting period...

We have always been hesitant to purchase anything "baby" because of what it would do to our hearts. We thought it would make it harder every month we did not get pregnant or even now, would make waiting just that much harder. But the more we get in the process, buying baby stuff is not the trigger---trust me! So.....we recently purchased this car seat/stroller combo!It was kinda fun to buy something for our soon to be baby! We are also clearing out the stuff that is in our spare room that we will hopefully soon be calling our Baby Room!!!

Another fun nesting thing happened today. My dear friend Sue came to work and said that a woman she works out with made me something for our baby. I have only met this woman once and it was over a year and a half ago. She made me a super cute receiving blanket and matching burp cloth. This was my first gift from someone and I kinda like that it was from someone who is a stranger to us. It just goes to show how much this baby is always going to be a part of my and Mike's testimony of God's faithfulness to us. This baby will be loved and cherished by all---even those we don't know!

Loving the fact that I am gonna be a mom soon and still hoping that the agency calls this week with great news! Be praying with us!

Patience is the key...

Patience is not one of my greatest strengths. Actually, it is most definitely a weakness of mine. We will go to Target (which is literally across the street) and buy a CD and I will have opened it in the 2 minute drive. I just don't want to wait...ever! So when we talked about starting the adoption process, I knew that God was gonna have to help me with this one. We took the picture above on August 8th, 2009, the day we mailed in our adoption application with our first (of many) checks. It was this day that we committed to ourselves, each other, and the Lord to be patient.

The first test of patience begins after this initial application is sent in. We had to wait for the agency to send us the packet for us to begin working on. Lucky for us this didn't take too long, only a week and a half or so. After getting this ridiculously long list of things we needed to have done in order to start our homestudy, we got to checking things off. Some of the items were easy, a questionnaire, picture of us, but other things took time and time off work. Like going to get a physical, fingerprinting, DMV verification. We both had to be super flexible to work hard at accomplishing the goal of finishing quickly.

The next big wait is during our homestudy. In my perfect little Type A world, I would have done all 3 meetings in 3 days, back to back. But because certain things needed to be done and Mike didn't want to use his time off (understandably), we had 2 weeks in between each one. Waiting to finish this was agonizing. Not only did I just want to get this process over with, but I also was nervous and anxious about what the meetings themselves would be like. I mean, someone coming into your home and asking you a lot of personal and deep questions is not something one just looks forward to.

Right now is the hardest. After getting through all the "hoops" of the adoption process, we are waiting. Our paperwork is almost all in (just one more left and it should be in very very soon), homestudy is complete, classes and books are read, our Dear Birthmother letter and profile books for the birthmom's to look at are with the agency, and most importantly, our hearts are pretty ready too! Now we are waiting for the call. The big call saying someone chose us. To tell us that they like us and think we will make great parents to their child.

At first, we were relieved that we had nothing else to do. We were content and comfortable with just waiting. But the agency told us that it wouldn't take long to be matched (which they probably shouldn't promise). But we are learning patience. Waiting on the Lord. We aren't calling the agency daily to check in, calling our Social Worker, or throwing hissy fits. We are just anxious and eager for the phone to ring. My phone actually rang last week and although it wasn't the agency, it was the first time that Mike and I both experienced the nervous and excited feeling we will have when they DO call. But it's hard waiting, and Satan has tried to trick us by making us think that they have shown our letter to a ton of birthmom's and no one likes us. This can bring us down, but giving this to God has made it better.

This process is not easy and it is not fast. If you are going through adoption or want to, I really recommend you ask God to grant you some patience. That you can truly rest on Him and His timing. If you know someone who is in this process and feeling the way my husband and I are, please be praying for their hearts. You can be the love and encouragement that they need in a time of uncertainty and doubt. Lift them up with love and attention. Galatians 6:2 calls us to "Bear one another's burdens..." and by doing this, Christ will be glorified.

The struggle with infertility

Everyone woman assumes that she will one day get pregnant and she even plans out when to go on birth control, when to go off so she can get pregnant by a certain time. But the thing that constantly gets overlooked is the fact that they have absolutely no control of their lives...God does. I always wanted Mike and I to be married like 2 years before we started trying and get pregnant within 3-4 months and have a child around our 3rd anniversary.

Boy did God have other plans. In a million years, I would never have thought that I would be infertile (which I may or may not be, but I am gonna use the term for now). I figured that both my grandma's had over 5 kids and Mike's family has a lot too so I figured my genetic makeup would make it an easy thing. But here I am, after trying to get pregnant for 2 years, no baby and many tears, I am still childless.

I think it is important to let people know the hurt that one goes through when struggling with infertility. From having to hear from people who don't understand tell you they know exactly what you are going through, watching friends and family members get pregnant quickly, noticing every pregnant woman, and continually getting Big Fat No's on those blasted pregnancy tests. And even though I have heard many people tell me that it's not fair to be upset at those women getting pregnant or whatever, it still hurts and if you know someone struggling with infertility, please love on them just a little bit.

I feel as though I have lost a child. Maybe not physically but emotionally and I have had to grieve this loss. No...I didn't have to bury my child or fill out a death certificate but I had to accept that we may never have a biological child. I went through the 5 stages of grief...denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. They each were so hard but can proudly say that I am in the acceptance stage. But everyday is a battle. Be sensitive to those friends and give them a little grace (unless they are being totally unreasonable). Something else that is important is to let their husbands lead them through this and tell them to snap out of it when needed. He is her rock and she can take criticism from him way better than from you. Don't judge the woman who is struggling...you don't know what she is feeling (not even me). Everyone is different.

My friends are starting to have the kids they were pregnant with when I was in the depression stage and reality is hitting me smack in the face. This is why I wanted to write about infertility. Not only am I someone who has gone through this but it is something that many couples will have been through before they begin their journey into adoption. They need to move past this, with your love and support, and then they can joyfully see that there are other ways that God can make them a parent. I didn't just wake up and magically accept that we may not have biological children. I prayed and cried and hurt before I could pray and feel a peace. And that peace is the peace that only the Lord can provide and that he moved in us in a profound way.

I don't know if I would have been ready to be a mom a year ago. I think I needed to be a stronger woman before I could be ready. I had to know what loss felt like, how I took getting pregnant for granted, and truly see God's hand in control of my life. So here I am...still childless but ready to be a mom. The difference---I am resting on God's timing...not mine.

What does God say about all this?

Mike and I have always believed that adoption is something that God calls us to do. Whether it means that you actually adopt or that you support the idea, God wants His children to know that we are to care for these children. Moses wrote in Exodus 22:22-24 that "You shall not mistreat any widow or fatherless child. If you do mistreat them, and they cry out to me, I will surely hear their cry, and my wrath will burn..." I think this is pretty clear that the widows and orphans are extremely important to God. James 1:27 said that "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction..." We are to just be with them and comfort them in their times of need. If God then calls you to adoption, then awesome!

Another important thing to remember is that God is totally in control. We learned this when we were trying to get pregnant and felt like we were controlling our lives. A verse that we constantly turned to was Proverbs 16:9, "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Mike and I realized very soon that even though we had made all the plans and steps towards pregnancy, it was God that was in control of how we were going to become parents. After meditating on this, I realized that sure, being a mom was my plan but I had no control of how that gonna happen. If you ever come in my office or car, you will see this verse in there as a reminder of how God is always in control. There are so many verses (especially in Proverbs) that speak to this idea. God knows what He is doing and if we just sit back and let Him work according to His will, we will be richly blessed!!

Lastly, we need to remember that we ourselves were adopted by Christ into the family of God. Ephesians 1:3-6 states, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved." Wow---God is so good. He chose us before the world was formed to be adopted into this family. It's amazing to be reminded of how much God loves us and I feel so humbled that He chose me. Romans 8:14-15 and 22-23 also speak to this sentiment of God adopting us. I encourage you to look at these verses and let God speak to you on the topic of adoption.

For Mike and I, we have learned a few things. We know that children are a huge blessing in whatever form them come. We hope to never take having a child for granted, especially because they don't always come about in the easiest way. We also know that it is a beautiful example for Christ to have adopted us and hope that we can experience a tiny idea of this as we adopt our child.