Everyone says adoption is hard. Well, yup. I mean, I knew this. I am not an idiot. But I had no idea how I would feel once we started on this road. Let me back up...
A little over a month ago we met the 3 kids we were matched with at a park for about an hour. The time was nice and there wasn't anything magical or overly stressful about it. We left and as we headed home, Mike was sad to be leaving. I on the other hand, was glad to be going home. I didn't know what feelings went along with that but that is what I felt. 5 days later, the little guy moved in and 2 days later the older two came for a whole weekend. It all felt so fast and basically from the minute we got home I didn't not feel like this was right. I felt beyond overwhelmed and found myself crying in the closet, garage, on a friends shoulder, and anywhere I could hide myself. The kids were kind and they all kinda got along well. But I just felt off.
Then it was Mother's Day and it was rough. I still was crying lots and wasn't eating much and yet when the hour was drawing near for the kids to leave, I started to feel myself relaxing. I mean, sad right?
Fast forward to the next weekend and the anxiety returned and I felt unhappy. We jumped into a world so quickly that I was unsure if this was fair to the kids. I was unkind and uncaring of them. Mike was the one interacting with them and I was the one who found herself cleaning the house like a crazy person so I could avoid playing with everyone. Even Emsley. Which was breaking my heart into about a thousand pieces. They all need a mom who can hold herself together to care for them.
Now Mike. He liked the kids and felt this would work, even if it took a while. This was hard to see.
Thank the Lord we have some good friends who saw the issue at hand and wanted to step in. We met with them on Sunday night and Mike and I said all the things we are feeling. It wasn't pretty. Things got dicey between us for a couple days. We weren't seeing eye to eye and conversation wasn't leading anywhere. So my wonderful husband said we shouldn't talk about this topic for a day or so and spend time in the Word and praying. This would be a time to see how the Lord is working in our hearts and hopefully come together with a unified decision.
After our hard talk, we decided that we will not be moving forward with the kids. Hands down, the hardest decision of our life together thus far. The guilt I feel and the grief Mike feels is immense.
Almost 2 weeks ago, the little guy moved out and returned to his last foster home. We will not be seeing the older kids anymore. This is so sad. But we pray that the Lord will be working in their lives and will give them a mom and dad that will be exactly what they need.
What does this mean for us?
First, I will be starting counseling very soon to work on some of the things going on in my heart. We will also be get together with a couple friends who will be making sure that Mike and I stay on the same page in our desires to grow our family and where and how we move forward with our adoption mindedness. We will also be taking some time to enjoy being a family of 3 and seeing how that looks again.
Ways you can be praying? (I mean, I don't think many people even read this anymore!)
Pray for our hearts as we grieve (especially Mike). Pray for Emsley as she adjusts back to our old normal. Pray for us as we process this and focus on being the best parents to our Emsley girl. Pray that God would use this time to grow us to love and rely on Him in ways that we didn't even know possible. Pray that we would be able to see the ways in which God wants us to care for the orphans (especially that we would be on the same page about that). Pray for these 3 kids. Pray for their hearts. Pray that God takes them to a home that is exactly right and that the family will teach them about the Lord.
Oh man. Adoption is hard. Life is hard and this is the evidence.
