The hard things

Everyone says adoption is hard. Well, yup. I mean, I knew this. I am not an idiot. But I had no idea how I would feel once we started on this road. Let me back up...

A little over a month ago we met the 3 kids we were matched with at a park for about an hour. The time was nice and there wasn't anything magical or overly stressful about it. We left and as we headed home, Mike was sad to be leaving. I on the other hand, was glad to be going home. I didn't know what feelings went along with that but that is what I felt. 5 days later, the little guy moved in and 2 days later the older two came for a whole weekend. It all felt so fast and basically from the minute we got home I didn't not feel like this was right. I felt beyond overwhelmed and found myself crying in the closet, garage, on a friends shoulder, and anywhere I could hide myself. The kids were kind and they all kinda got along well. But I just felt off.

Then it was Mother's Day and it was rough. I still was crying lots and wasn't eating much and yet when the hour was drawing near for the kids to leave, I started to feel myself relaxing. I mean, sad right?

Fast forward to the next weekend and the anxiety returned and I felt unhappy. We jumped into a world so quickly that I was unsure if this was fair to the kids. I was unkind and uncaring of them. Mike was the one interacting with them and I was the one who found herself cleaning the house like a crazy person so I could avoid playing with everyone. Even Emsley. Which was breaking my heart into about a thousand pieces. They all need a mom who can hold herself together to care for them.

Now Mike. He liked the kids and felt this would work, even if it took a while. This was hard to see.

Thank the Lord we have some good friends who saw the issue at hand and wanted to step in. We met with them on Sunday night and Mike and I said all the things we are feeling. It wasn't pretty. Things got dicey between us for a couple days. We weren't seeing eye to eye and conversation wasn't leading anywhere. So my wonderful husband said we shouldn't talk about this topic for a day or so and spend time in the Word and praying. This would be a time to see how the Lord is working in our hearts and hopefully come together with a unified decision.

After our hard talk, we decided that we will not be moving forward with the kids. Hands down, the hardest decision of our life together thus far. The guilt I feel and the grief Mike feels is immense.

Almost 2 weeks ago, the little guy moved out and returned to his last foster home. We will not be seeing the older kids anymore. This is so sad. But we pray that the Lord will be working in their lives and will give them a mom and dad that will be exactly what they need.

What does this mean for us?

First, I will be starting counseling very soon to work on some of the things going on in my heart. We will also be get together with a couple friends who will be making sure that Mike and I stay on the same page in our desires to grow our family and where and how we move forward with our adoption mindedness. We will also be taking some time to enjoy being a family of 3 and seeing how that looks again.

Ways you can be praying? (I mean, I don't think many people even read this anymore!)

Pray for our hearts as we grieve (especially Mike). Pray for Emsley as she adjusts back to our old normal. Pray for us as we process this and focus on being the best parents to our Emsley girl. Pray that God would use this time to grow us to love and rely on Him in ways that we didn't even know possible. Pray that we would be able to see the ways in which God wants us to care for the orphans (especially that we would be on the same page about that). Pray for these 3 kids. Pray for their hearts. Pray that God takes them to a home that is exactly right and that the family will teach them about the Lord.

Oh man. Adoption is hard. Life is hard and this is the evidence.

A Needed Update

I'm pretty sure that I'm the only person on the earth who reads this blog but here we go. Even if I am the only one reading it, I still want to document our family's adoption process and be able to look back and see how I was feeling at certain points in the process. So here we go.

We had our home study officially approved May of 2014 and were ready to go but after submitting our names for over 10 sibling sets we were not getting chosen for any of them. This started to become hard to take after each time they said they picked a different family. I mean, how many times can we possibly be passed up. It started to feel like maybe God was closing the door to our desire to adopt. But thank goodness God allowed us to get a new social worker who is really proactive and likes us lots. She wrote us a few weeks ago and recommended that we attend a little meeting where adoptive parents can attend and meet social workers from each of the Southern California counties and see which kids they have available. We were both so nervous and I thought this could very possibly be the most awkward thing we would ever go to. And I was partly correct.

We walked into this office and waited for our social worker to get there and then walked in and were told we could go to each table the county had and meet the social workers and any kids we were interested in we could ask questions and submit our home study whenever we want. After it was all over, we submitted our home study for 1 sibling set of 2 boys for San Bernardino county and 3 sibling sets for Riverside county (1 sib set of 2, and 2 sib sets of 3). Each set of kiddos we felt really good about and made good connections with the social workers from those counties so that is great. They said that we should hear news in about 2 weeks. Great, more waiting.

I don't do well with waiting...

One week and one day later I wrote our social worker and asked her if she has heard anything and thanked her for inviting and encouraging us to go to that little meeting. She wrote me the next day and said that she heard from Riverside county and they though one of the sib sets we submitted for would be great for us and they will meet Monday and let us know which kids. More waiting...

We found out late that Monday night that we were matched with a sibling set of 3 from Riverside county. A 10 year old girl, and 2 boys ages 6 and 4. They are amazing and gorgeous and we will be doubling our family as well as becoming a multi-ethnic family as they kids are hispanic/african american. Good thing we go to a church where families look unique around every corner!

So what is next?

This Friday at 10am, Mike and I will attend a meeting with the social worker and our social worker to discuss the kids and we can ask any questions we have about them. This meeting is called a full disclosure meeting. After this, we will give our final answer about whether we want to move forward to bring these kids home. And to be honest, it would have to take a biggie to make us say no to these 2 kids.

Ways to be praying... Oh man. Where do I begin!?!?! For peace as I have felt Satan attacking my insecurities and fears already about this. For our time as a family of 3 to be sweet. For Mike and I to connect well in the next couple weeks and months before life really changes. For all to come to light about these sweet kids at the meeting. And most importantly that we prepare ourselves to parent older kids who we want to raise to love the Lord!

Big changes for us....but so exciting!