I mean, honestly....

Sometimes I struggle to see God providing. We have watched so many friends adopt and God does something amazing and it makes it clear they are on the right path. I mean, sometimes we have little things but nothing major where it is so clearly the Lord. That was, until last Saturday...

We had our garage sale. I was so tired because Mike had foot surgery Friday and I was doing all the organizing on Friday. I even slept in my car the night before because I didn't want to have to put it all back to just bring it out the next morning. I'm a little lazy. I woke up at 5am, got showered and dressed. Ran to grab coffee and donuts and started working. 6am, our first friends arrive. I mean, 6 am on a Saturday. By 7:30 we had a TON of our amazing friends there to help. Things got rolling and my parents came to help and the yard sale people were out in full swing with pockets full of singles!

Our friend Tricia kept giving us a count update on the cash....our first count after only a few hours was almost $1100.....WHAT?!?!? We could have packed it up and been done I was so happy with that amount. My goal was $800...Mike's was $1250. We were already over mine and almost to his!

At 3pm the amount was well over $2000 and we still had people coming. After wrapping up and having my parents and a few friends load up to drop the rest off at savers, we counted and the amount was also $2400!!! I mean, honestly! I don't even know how that happened! We had a lot of stuff but that amount just seems insane for a garage sale.

But nothing is too big for God!

So what now? We needed $8200 to start getting matched with a birth mom and after the sale and the little bit we have in our bank account, we are almost half way there! And in a couple weeks we should hear from the adoption grant we applied for and are praying that God provides just the right amount for us to move forward with getting matched!

I mean, honestly....God is good and is making it so clear that our pursuit of this adoption is what he wants for us. Praise the Lord for providing friends and family who are willing to help and the generosity of so many to give things to sell. So many to thank.

Am I nervous to adopt again?

Yes. I could sugar coat this but yes I'm nervous. I have so many fears that I will mess up again or that I will let fear grip me in ways in which make it so I can hardly breathe. I'm scared that I will hurt our family or disappoint those watching us do this.

So why are we doing this? And how am I coping and managing the fear?

We are adopting again for so many reasons. We want to grow our family and adoption is the way we do that. We want to follow God's leading, no matter the fear. After what happened last year, I don't want fear to grip me and hold me back from doing the things that He desires for my life and our family. And we feel like pursuing another domestic adoption is where God has us. I have a heart for the birth moms who choose life and choose adoption for their child. This is a selfless act of love that I feel honored to have witnessed firsthand over 5 years ago. Getting to experience this again and to support, love, and respect another amazing woman in this process is moving and such a joy and blessing.

Right now there are verses I am meditating on and my amazing husband is pointing me to Christ so often in those moments. These are huge helps on processing the fear.

Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

James 1:2-4 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

I mean, I could pick all of James. But these verses stand out to me in James because I believe that God wants to show me that He will work in my life through the good and the bad times. He will draw me closer to Him, giving me all I need. This is a concept I have struggled with pretty much all my life. Trusting Him and he will not only take care of me but he will also draw me closer to him in the process. This used to feel like an unimaginable concept to me. But I'm getting it so much more. Only through God can I put all my fears and he will give me everything I need to continue moving forward.

And lastly, I'm talking about my fears more. I'm being honest with Mike, friends and our amazing grace group. I'm thinking ahead what I might feel as we move forward with a match or a baby being born. And truthfully, my having a heart for birth moms tends to produce some guilt on my part and I'm nervous about that feeling again. When Emsley was born, I felt guilty for taking her away from her birth mom. It affected my immediate attachment. But this time around, I know I might feel that way again but I know what those feelings are and can process them so much better. And if you haven't met Michelle Dettman from Adoption Center of Hope (our coordinator for both Emlsey's adoption and this one!) you will know that this woman loves these birth moms and helps them process well. She knows my heart and walked through life with us all those years ago.

Having a great support system is key this time around. I have friends asking us how we are doing. Pointing us to Christ. Reminding us we aren't alone. This is vital to conquer the fear. God calls us to not only cast our anxieties on him but to also carry each others. I'm seeing how essential this is for my life. To allow others to walk through something that I'm nervous about and let them pray with us and speak God's truth in our lives. I realized I can't just live a life of comfort and do all the easy things. God wants us to be challenged and through those moments is where we learn to lean on Him in the most necessary ways.

So yes, I'm nervous but I trust that God has us in this place for a reason.

To my kindergartner...

Dear Emsley,

In just a couple very short weeks you start a new and exciting journey. It feels like just yesterday we brought you home from the hospital and you needed me to change you, feed you, entertain you, and help you learn about the world. Now you are heading off to kindergarten and you sweet girl, are ready and already do those things all by yourself.

I love watching you learn new things and teaching yourself how to ride a two wheeler, tie your shoes, snap, whistle, and even swim. You are so determined and focused in all you put your mind to. It is such a joy to watch your sweet personality bloom and yet sad to see all the ways in which you don't need me to help you. When did you grow up to be such a big girl? This new chapter of your life seems like a huge step. School will now be a part of your life till you are a grown up. Learning and developing friendships in school will now just be part of your normal.

I'm going to miss so many things about the last 5 years we have had together. I'm going to miss waking up in the morning and just sitting together eating breakfast and having no where to be but with each other. I'm going to miss reading to you the same favorite books over and over again. I'm going to miss the days when we have no plans and end up running errands or drive around on a special adventure together. You are my favorite person to be with and do lots and do nothing with. But these things aren't completely gone. We can still have these special times together after school. We can still have special mommy/Emsley afternoons just being together.

But as sad as I may feel to let you grow up, oh Emsley, you are so ready. I want to be strong for you so you go into that first day with confidence and no fear. That you walk in and show what an amazingly strong, beautiful, kind, and intelligent little girl you are. I will hold so many tears back, as I'm doing right now just typing this out. But know that I am so happy for you and for the wonderful things you will learn and memories you will make.

There will be days baby that will be hard. Kids might be mean to you and you will hear and learn things that I wish I could shelter you from forever. But I don't want to hide you from the world but let you learn about it on your own and then come home and talk to me about it. And if school is hard, ask for help and try your best. Your daddy and I are here to help you as much as we can. And never forget that in your life, we will always be cheering you on for success. Don't let the struggles in school bring you down but let it light a fire in you to try harder and to strive for greatness.

I want you to walk into that class at your new school and show the sweet and amazingly huge heart you have. I have loved seeing you care for others and hate when bad things happen to you or your friends. Keep that big heart girl. Go to school each day finding ways to love others well. Show them the love that Jesus has shown you. Be the light in a dark world. When others tear down, find ways to build others up. This won't be easy but trust that this is how the Lord desires your heart to be.

Each day when you come home, know that home is safe and a hug and a cookie are waiting for you. So here we go Emsley Bee. Off to this big adventure. My girl is going to be great and I am so blessed to be able to watch you as you jump head first.

I love you with all my heart sweetheart.

Love, Mommy

You and daddy walking around Stanford. Maybe in 13 years we will be dropping you off there for college. Oh man.