I think I have mentioned on here that I quit my job at Biola in June and got hired part time as the Health Clerk at an elementary school here in Irvine (4 minutes from my house actually!). When I first started in September, I would come home from work and felt so unqualified for the job and wondering why God brought me to this school. I mean, I missed the amazing friends I had at Biola and I missed being in a Christian environment daily. So why would He take me away from that only to be in a job that is totally opposite. Then to be totally honest, I took it to other aspects of my life. Like why would He put Mike and I in this place in our lives. Being infertile and going through an adoption process that just seems endless. I turned to God and begged Him for hope during this time. Our Grace Group prayed for little moments where we felt encouragement that was only from Him. Not only for this time as we wait for our child to be in our arms but also with where He has taken me in life.
Jump forward a couple weeks...I am at work and a girl named Sara comes into the Health Office. I know her because she has an colostomy bag so she comes in for...well maintenance of her bag sometimes (I'm trying to not be too graphic). Monday she comes in and the bag is leaking so we call her mom to bring her a new one. Sara stays in my office till her mom comes and in the 15 minutes she is in there waiting, we start to talk. I have to say first that this girl is very mature for only being in the 6th grade...little did I know why.
I start to ask Sara why she has the bag and she tells me her story. Her family is from the Middle East and her kidneys were failing. The doctors told her parents that if they do not take her to America, she will die very quickly. Her parents moved their family to the other side of the world and landed in Los Angeles for her to be seen at the UCLA Medical Center. Sara desperately needed a kidney transplant. She told me that her mom gave her one of her kidneys so that Sara could live. By this time in the story, I was already in awe of this young woman sitting in front of me. But there was more. The kidney transplant didn't explain the bag so she said that after her transplant, she got another disease that forced her to have a colostomy bag for a period of time, in hopes that she will be able to have yet another surgery to repair her colon and intestines so they function as they should. Sara, at 11 years old, is someone I admire.
Her story moved me and she told me that she understands that her story is one that will motivate people and remind them that life is precious, no matter how hard it can get. She shared with me how she struggles with her classmates complaining about the mundane things in their lives...like "my playstation is broke" or "my stomach hurts." This girl wishes that were her biggest problem. You know when your parents say, "it could be worse"?? This is the worse they are referring to. And when Sara told me this, I kinda understood what she was feeling (in a totally different way, of course).
It's hard living a life that doesn't come easy. Where there is a lot of sickness while others are healthy, and people are having babies or getting matched in an adoption quickly while the rest of us have to wait forever. But it was Sara that showed me that we have to continue to live life and move forward. We can't dwell on how our life isn't easy but to just live. And for me that means living and trusting God more and more.
So, after my encounter with Sara, I realize why I am this school. I'm there to learn from these kids and to be there for them. The kids, staff, and teachers are starting to respect me and lean on me for support and I love being able to give that. Yes, this time in my life may not feel easy. I am sooo tired of waiting to be a mom. This time feels endless but I am exactly where God wants me...for now. Little did I know the encouragement that I (and many others) were praying for, would come from a 6th grade girl named Sara.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Adoption update
Right now I am sitting at Barnes and Noble using their free wi-fi along with every college student in the area (who are probably studying for mid-terms) and realized how old or maybe a little mature I feel. These kids are talking about girls they like, complicated math equations that make my head hurt, and the kid in their class who smokes pot. And it dawned on me that my conversations with friends include how my quiet time with the Lord is, how marriage is great, and babies. I love not being a kid anymore. I would rather talk about these things over anything else...God has blessed me with good friends and a pretty amazing life.
But I realized that for those who actually still read this silly little blog deserve an update on not just where we are in the adoption process but where are hearts are too...so this might be a long one. Bear with me.
We have officially been with Adoption Answers for 3 months now and have been shown to a few birthmothers but no one has chosen us yet. The director Michelle has encouraged us that we are not only being shown regularly but also are liked. There is just someone else that the birthmom likes better (which is okay because that was obviously not meant who we get matched with). We have been chosen as #2 (in the event that #1 can't fulfill its responsibilities...much like Miss America!!). So it could be the next birthmom who looks at our profile book that chooses Mike and Kim as her #1. We just have to have a little more patience...which we apparently have plenty of....most days!
Now this is where we are...pretty much the same place we were last time I gave an update. But with each day, week, and month, our hearts are always changing. I am constantly growing and becoming the woman God has always desired for me to be. Some days I still get sad that I still don't have a baby but for some reason, God is so loving to me...someone who is so sinful and does not deserve His love at all. But Mike and I were reminded by someone that God loves us more than we can even imagine and that all the love we feel we have for a child, His love for us is infinitely more than that. I guess I take that for granted and don't really think about how much He loves me very often.
But let me get real for a minute. All the growth and passion to know God more has been amazing and such a blessing in this time...but that isn't all that is going on in my heart. I also have had issue with being hopeful and having faith in God that He will provide us a child. Sometimes we feel like we have been traveling in a car for the longest stinkin' road trip ever and that it will just never end. I know that so many friends have encouraged us that it is in God's timing but it is so hard to feel that way when we are in the midst of the waiting and in the time where we are waiting for that perfect timing to be now. So it is in those times that I struggle to remain hopeful that we will get a baby and when I don't know if God has remembered me or whether He will really be allowing us to be parents.
Satan loves when I feel like this. He loves when I feel like I can't take it anymore and when I start to lose faith in God...but I won't let him win. I will have faith and be more hopeful because God is the thing in my life that means the most. His unconditional love is something that I want to always remember. He loved me enough to send His son to die for my sins on a cross...how could I not trust Him, especially in my weakest moments?
So right now, sad and happy are feelings I wrestle with regularly. But God gets me up every morning and reminds me that today is another day...and one of these mornings I will get up and it WILL be the day that we will get a call. I have hope and faith in my amazing, loving God!
But I realized that for those who actually still read this silly little blog deserve an update on not just where we are in the adoption process but where are hearts are too...so this might be a long one. Bear with me.
We have officially been with Adoption Answers for 3 months now and have been shown to a few birthmothers but no one has chosen us yet. The director Michelle has encouraged us that we are not only being shown regularly but also are liked. There is just someone else that the birthmom likes better (which is okay because that was obviously not meant who we get matched with). We have been chosen as #2 (in the event that #1 can't fulfill its responsibilities...much like Miss America!!). So it could be the next birthmom who looks at our profile book that chooses Mike and Kim as her #1. We just have to have a little more patience...which we apparently have plenty of....most days!
Now this is where we are...pretty much the same place we were last time I gave an update. But with each day, week, and month, our hearts are always changing. I am constantly growing and becoming the woman God has always desired for me to be. Some days I still get sad that I still don't have a baby but for some reason, God is so loving to me...someone who is so sinful and does not deserve His love at all. But Mike and I were reminded by someone that God loves us more than we can even imagine and that all the love we feel we have for a child, His love for us is infinitely more than that. I guess I take that for granted and don't really think about how much He loves me very often.
But let me get real for a minute. All the growth and passion to know God more has been amazing and such a blessing in this time...but that isn't all that is going on in my heart. I also have had issue with being hopeful and having faith in God that He will provide us a child. Sometimes we feel like we have been traveling in a car for the longest stinkin' road trip ever and that it will just never end. I know that so many friends have encouraged us that it is in God's timing but it is so hard to feel that way when we are in the midst of the waiting and in the time where we are waiting for that perfect timing to be now. So it is in those times that I struggle to remain hopeful that we will get a baby and when I don't know if God has remembered me or whether He will really be allowing us to be parents.
Satan loves when I feel like this. He loves when I feel like I can't take it anymore and when I start to lose faith in God...but I won't let him win. I will have faith and be more hopeful because God is the thing in my life that means the most. His unconditional love is something that I want to always remember. He loved me enough to send His son to die for my sins on a cross...how could I not trust Him, especially in my weakest moments?
So right now, sad and happy are feelings I wrestle with regularly. But God gets me up every morning and reminds me that today is another day...and one of these mornings I will get up and it WILL be the day that we will get a call. I have hope and faith in my amazing, loving God!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Website
The adoption group we are with, Adoption Answer, is updating their website and asked us to send a picture and a little paragraph about us. The director put up our info today and this is a link to the "waiting families" page. I hope that a birthmother is able to get a little glimpse of who we are and desire to know us more.
Our hearts are down about this whole situation lately. It feels like a never ending and hopeless situation. Our faith is being challenged daily and our need for our Lord and Savior grows by the minute. Today in church I was convicted that I have made the idea of parenthood an idol in my life. It is something that I have used as an indicator of when I will feel fulfilled in life. I guess God reminded me that it is not my being a mother or having a baby that will fill me but only by His spirit that I will ever be truly satisfied. This will take some time for me to digest and to apply to my life because I know that my heart longs to hold a child of my own but to even begin to allow myself to think that I need to let the whole idea go and put it in His hands is an extremely tough thought for me right now.
God is good but this waiting is not easy. I lean on the verse Jeremiah 29:11 these days...His plans for me are good and that is what I need to be clinging to. I just need to remind myself of this pretty much every second of the day. He is working in me and a very dear friend so lovingly reminded me of that. And I want to also be reminded of those things that He is doing in me so I can use that as encouragement during this time. The growth, the depth, and even the hopelessness that brings me to my knees....these are the things God is doing in me.
Our hearts are down about this whole situation lately. It feels like a never ending and hopeless situation. Our faith is being challenged daily and our need for our Lord and Savior grows by the minute. Today in church I was convicted that I have made the idea of parenthood an idol in my life. It is something that I have used as an indicator of when I will feel fulfilled in life. I guess God reminded me that it is not my being a mother or having a baby that will fill me but only by His spirit that I will ever be truly satisfied. This will take some time for me to digest and to apply to my life because I know that my heart longs to hold a child of my own but to even begin to allow myself to think that I need to let the whole idea go and put it in His hands is an extremely tough thought for me right now.
God is good but this waiting is not easy. I lean on the verse Jeremiah 29:11 these days...His plans for me are good and that is what I need to be clinging to. I just need to remind myself of this pretty much every second of the day. He is working in me and a very dear friend so lovingly reminded me of that. And I want to also be reminded of those things that He is doing in me so I can use that as encouragement during this time. The growth, the depth, and even the hopelessness that brings me to my knees....these are the things God is doing in me.
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