Walking by faith

I thought this time after being matched would be easier. That we would feel joy and peace. That all the worry, doubt, fear, and anxiousness would fall away because of those beautiful three words: we are matched. But God is showing me and Mike that it is in this new waiting time that we have to trust Him even more.

I think in the last month we have taken this matched news for granted. We praise God for what He has given us, but neglected to get on our knees before Him asking for Him to guide us and continue to draw us closer to Him. It's like we have said, "Hey God, thanks for all you've done and for getting us a baby, but we've got it from here." And just thinking about that terrible attitude makes me feel so ashamed. I need my Father in all aspects of my life, not just through the obviously hard things.

This all came out because we wrote our coordinator, Michelle and didn't hear from her in almost two weeks. We wrote just to see how the birthmom was. When she wrote us, she said that she hasn't been able to get a hold of her and has left here a couple messages. In my eyes, this is not a good sign. Our fear started...is she changing her mind?? And after talking this through, I was reminded of Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." What struck me was the "lean not on your own understanding" part. I mean, that is what we have been doing. We weren't acknowledging God and trusting His way. We thought we knew what was going on with the birthmom and let it get to us. We should have given that email to the Lord and trust that whatever is going on with the birthmom and our child is totally in His hands and is already planned out perfectly in His will for our lives.

Needless to say, we gave it to God and are going to continue trusting Him. We WILL wait for our baby to be born in April. We WILL go on a vacation to spend time together in March. I WILL quit my job in March in anticipation of being a stay at home mom shortly after. Not doing any of these things is not trusting God. We want to make every decision, attitude, and feeling a leap of faith. Faith in our perfect, all-knowing, amazing God, who loves us and only does what is good and perfect according to HIS will.

Preparing for change

I know that in the past I have written about change and how I am not a fan. Yet change is what I have been preparing for for the last 3 years or so. Mike and I have been either trying to get pregnant or start our family through adoption for over 3 years now, we have been actively trying to create change. So now that we are officially going to be parents in April, we are preparing for this impending change. And sometimes I am totally freaked out about it or I am so excited that April seems forever away.

Last week, I was reading a book (which turned out to be the saddest, most deressing book ever). While reading it at 11:30 at night, I started balling my eyes out. The book was at a point where the the mom and dad had their first child and their relationship got terrible. My tears came from a fear of the change that is about to happen in our marriage. Not a bad change, and actually a change that I have been waiting for for such a long time! So in the midst of my tears, Mike woke up and comforted me and we talked about how we both desire for our marriage to always come first (after our relationship with God!). We want regular date night (with the help of our wonderful friends and family as babysitters!!), and we want to have conversations with each other and other people that don't revolve around our children or parenting. These are things we long for when we become parents.

The change that is coming for the Wise household is now totally and completely welcome. It is going to be a beautiful and precious thing. And I cannot wait to be a mommy...just had to throw that in too!

Here's to 2011!

Well another year is started and I am so excited. We celebrated with a few friends last night and spent time reflecting on some great moments of 2010 and also what we are looking forward to this year...

In 2010, actually just a month ago or so, we got a call from our coordinator Michelle and said that a birth couple would like to meet us. They liked another couple but really wanted to meet soon. So that next Wednesday, Mike and I drove to a Starbucks in Corona and met with them. The meeting was very nice and comfortable. We left feeling good about our time and that we were truly ourselves. It was the next Monday that Michelle called and said that we are GOING TO BE PARENTS!!! We were offically matched and could not be more excited. Baby Wise is expected to arrive April of 2011!

So yes, 2010 pretty much rocked for us. We had many ups and downs but we can look back on those fondly because it brought us to where we are today...right on the cusp of parenthood.

2011 is looking good so far. We hopefully will get to find out if we are going to have a little girl or boy soon and can go crazy buying clothes! We cannot wait to be parents and know that the next few months will zoom by...We are hoping we can get a little babymoon vacation in and to really spend time with friends who live out of the area and really enjoy these last few months as a family of 2. Our lives will be so different this time next year. I don't know what it will look like but I probably won't have 15 minutes to myself at 10AM to write a post. I will have a beautiful child in my arms and no matter what it is doing...crying, screaming, cooing, or just sleeping, I will be so in love with that moment and that little bundle of ours.

Ours...wow. Here's to a great 2011!

Merry Christmas!

I hate being this MIA on my blog. At one point I was trying to post at least one time a week...but since my last post was on November 6th, I am not doing a great job at sticking with it. But here we are on Christmas morning and I thought I would at least make a small note.

MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone! I hope that your day is amazing and blessed beyond what you can even imagine. And I hope that today we can all remember why this day is really special...our Savior was born on this day. Something we tend to take for granted or forget but I hope it is not lost as we open gifts, eat food, and travel to be with family and friends.

Mike and I have had a busy few weeks and I look forward to giving a FULL update this coming week. Until then, have a safe and happy Christmas!

Feeling empty...

During this time of waiting, bad days are something I have grown used to, even bad weeks. When I look back to the last 3 years, I have to force myself to remember the good times and growth that have taken place. But those days that I would cry for no good reason and felt like I had the weight (or wait in our case) of the world on my shoulders, it is those days that I remember like the back of my hand. How is it that we dwell on those memories and not the times where we laughed with friends, had an amazing date with our spouse, or just had joy in our hearts?

This was a bad week for me. If you didn't catch that from the title of this post, I am drained in so many ways. It was Thanksgiving of 2007 that Mike and I started trying to have a family and it was last year around this time that Nightlight was giving us false hope about getting a baby by Christmas. This is a tough time of year for us and this week I am feeling empty. I feel like I have no more tears to cry, no more patience to wait for my baby, and my hope, well that is the thing I was lacking the most. Please don't think that I am throwing a pity party for myself here because in truth, the week had many good moments that I am choosing to remember over the moments that crushed me.

During this bad week I was emailed lyrics by my wonderful sister to a song about this emptiness and about how much God provides and deserves our praise for these moments. This song was yet another reminder in my life about how much God is still working. Whether it is in the desert, the battle, the fire, or even in the harvest, God is working out His will for my life and will use it to bring glory to His name.

It was this song that has a verse that says that even in the harvest when we are filled, he will empty us again and start over, trusting God and growing in different and beautiful ways. I am feeling empty, but my God will fill me and it will glorify God more than I can even think possible.

This is still not a great week and I am still feeling empty...but I am reminded that He WILL fill me.

Hillsong, "The Desert Song"

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
And weakness or trial or pain
There is faith proved more worth than gold
So refine me lord through the faith

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conquerer and co-heir with Christ
So fill my his promise ill stand

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have reason to worship

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

And this is my prayer in the harvest
And favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empties again
The seed I receive I will sow

(watch the YouTube video here)

Finding encouragement from a 6th grader

I think I have mentioned on here that I quit my job at Biola in June and got hired part time as the Health Clerk at an elementary school here in Irvine (4 minutes from my house actually!). When I first started in September, I would come home from work and felt so unqualified for the job and wondering why God brought me to this school. I mean, I missed the amazing friends I had at Biola and I missed being in a Christian environment daily. So why would He take me away from that only to be in a job that is totally opposite. Then to be totally honest, I took it to other aspects of my life. Like why would He put Mike and I in this place in our lives. Being infertile and going through an adoption process that just seems endless. I turned to God and begged Him for hope during this time. Our Grace Group prayed for little moments where we felt encouragement that was only from Him. Not only for this time as we wait for our child to be in our arms but also with where He has taken me in life.

Jump forward a couple weeks...I am at work and a girl named Sara comes into the Health Office. I know her because she has an colostomy bag so she comes in for...well maintenance of her bag sometimes (I'm trying to not be too graphic). Monday she comes in and the bag is leaking so we call her mom to bring her a new one. Sara stays in my office till her mom comes and in the 15 minutes she is in there waiting, we start to talk. I have to say first that this girl is very mature for only being in the 6th grade...little did I know why.

I start to ask Sara why she has the bag and she tells me her story. Her family is from the Middle East and her kidneys were failing. The doctors told her parents that if they do not take her to America, she will die very quickly. Her parents moved their family to the other side of the world and landed in Los Angeles for her to be seen at the UCLA Medical Center. Sara desperately needed a kidney transplant. She told me that her mom gave her one of her kidneys so that Sara could live. By this time in the story, I was already in awe of this young woman sitting in front of me. But there was more. The kidney transplant didn't explain the bag so she said that after her transplant, she got another disease that forced her to have a colostomy bag for a period of time, in hopes that she will be able to have yet another surgery to repair her colon and intestines so they function as they should. Sara, at 11 years old, is someone I admire.

Her story moved me and she told me that she understands that her story is one that will motivate people and remind them that life is precious, no matter how hard it can get. She shared with me how she struggles with her classmates complaining about the mundane things in their lives...like "my playstation is broke" or "my stomach hurts." This girl wishes that were her biggest problem. You know when your parents say, "it could be worse"?? This is the worse they are referring to. And when Sara told me this, I kinda understood what she was feeling (in a totally different way, of course).

It's hard living a life that doesn't come easy. Where there is a lot of sickness while others are healthy, and people are having babies or getting matched in an adoption quickly while the rest of us have to wait forever. But it was Sara that showed me that we have to continue to live life and move forward. We can't dwell on how our life isn't easy but to just live. And for me that means living and trusting God more and more.

So, after my encounter with Sara, I realize why I am this school. I'm there to learn from these kids and to be there for them. The kids, staff, and teachers are starting to respect me and lean on me for support and I love being able to give that. Yes, this time in my life may not feel easy. I am sooo tired of waiting to be a mom. This time feels endless but I am exactly where God wants me...for now. Little did I know the encouragement that I (and many others) were praying for, would come from a 6th grade girl named Sara.

Adoption update

Right now I am sitting at Barnes and Noble using their free wi-fi along with every college student in the area (who are probably studying for mid-terms) and realized how old or maybe a little mature I feel. These kids are talking about girls they like, complicated math equations that make my head hurt, and the kid in their class who smokes pot. And it dawned on me that my conversations with friends include how my quiet time with the Lord is, how marriage is great, and babies. I love not being a kid anymore. I would rather talk about these things over anything else...God has blessed me with good friends and a pretty amazing life.

But I realized that for those who actually still read this silly little blog deserve an update on not just where we are in the adoption process but where are hearts are too...so this might be a long one. Bear with me.

We have officially been with Adoption Answers for 3 months now and have been shown to a few birthmothers but no one has chosen us yet. The director Michelle has encouraged us that we are not only being shown regularly but also are liked. There is just someone else that the birthmom likes better (which is okay because that was obviously not meant who we get matched with). We have been chosen as #2 (in the event that #1 can't fulfill its responsibilities...much like Miss America!!). So it could be the next birthmom who looks at our profile book that chooses Mike and Kim as her #1. We just have to have a little more patience...which we apparently have plenty of....most days!

Now this is where we are...pretty much the same place we were last time I gave an update. But with each day, week, and month, our hearts are always changing. I am constantly growing and becoming the woman God has always desired for me to be. Some days I still get sad that I still don't have a baby but for some reason, God is so loving to me...someone who is so sinful and does not deserve His love at all. But Mike and I were reminded by someone that God loves us more than we can even imagine and that all the love we feel we have for a child, His love for us is infinitely more than that. I guess I take that for granted and don't really think about how much He loves me very often.

But let me get real for a minute. All the growth and passion to know God more has been amazing and such a blessing in this time...but that isn't all that is going on in my heart. I also have had issue with being hopeful and having faith in God that He will provide us a child. Sometimes we feel like we have been traveling in a car for the longest stinkin' road trip ever and that it will just never end. I know that so many friends have encouraged us that it is in God's timing but it is so hard to feel that way when we are in the midst of the waiting and in the time where we are waiting for that perfect timing to be now. So it is in those times that I struggle to remain hopeful that we will get a baby and when I don't know if God has remembered me or whether He will really be allowing us to be parents.

Satan loves when I feel like this. He loves when I feel like I can't take it anymore and when I start to lose faith in God...but I won't let him win. I will have faith and be more hopeful because God is the thing in my life that means the most. His unconditional love is something that I want to always remember. He loved me enough to send His son to die for my sins on a cross...how could I not trust Him, especially in my weakest moments?

So right now, sad and happy are feelings I wrestle with regularly. But God gets me up every morning and reminds me that today is another day...and one of these mornings I will get up and it WILL be the day that we will get a call. I have hope and faith in my amazing, loving God!

Website

The adoption group we are with, Adoption Answer, is updating their website and asked us to send a picture and a little paragraph about us. The director put up our info today and this is a link to the "waiting families" page. I hope that a birthmother is able to get a little glimpse of who we are and desire to know us more.

Our hearts are down about this whole situation lately. It feels like a never ending and hopeless situation. Our faith is being challenged daily and our need for our Lord and Savior grows by the minute. Today in church I was convicted that I have made the idea of parenthood an idol in my life. It is something that I have used as an indicator of when I will feel fulfilled in life. I guess God reminded me that it is not my being a mother or having a baby that will fill me but only by His spirit that I will ever be truly satisfied. This will take some time for me to digest and to apply to my life because I know that my heart longs to hold a child of my own but to even begin to allow myself to think that I need to let the whole idea go and put it in His hands is an extremely tough thought for me right now.

God is good but this waiting is not easy. I lean on the verse Jeremiah 29:11 these days...His plans for me are good and that is what I need to be clinging to. I just need to remind myself of this pretty much every second of the day. He is working in me and a very dear friend so lovingly reminded me of that. And I want to also be reminded of those things that He is doing in me so I can use that as encouragement during this time. The growth, the depth, and even the hopelessness that brings me to my knees....these are the things God is doing in me.

Quarter of a century

Today is my last day of being 24 years old. I know that most people (who are older than me) tell me that I am still so young and have a lot to experience but I have been through a lot in my 24 years, 364 days. And as I look back, I just want to simply say that I am so grateful for it all. I thank God for the ups and the downs. The happy and the sad. The fun and the terrible. It is all a part of my story of ME!

We are celebrating tomorrow at the Magic Kingdom at DisneyWorld...and it is amazing here. Weather is perfect and its like God lightened the humidity just for our vacation. I am so grateful to my husband for this time away together. As we sat over dinner tonight I was so reminded of what a great life I have.

And tomorrow as I turn 25 years old, I want to look forward to the next years to come. I hope they are just as great, fun, terrible, sad, and crazy as the last 25 have been!!

Fasting

I've never really fasted from anything before. I guess I never thought I had the need to. There was nothing, in my opinion, I needed to be away from in order to grow and become a better person. At least until recently.

I think I need to go back a little bit. About a year ago, I had about 15 friends who were pregnant. My struggle with infertility was tearing at my heart every minute of the day and to top it off, I had to watch their pregnancy on facebook. It was torture. So I gave it up. And I would love to tell you that I did it cold turkey and just didn't check it...but that would be a HUGE lie! My darling husband went onto my account and changed the password (and his!) so that I could not go on at all. I stayed off for a few months, and let my heart heal a little bit. It was the best time of my life. I wasn't constantly consumed with this stupid social network with my so-called "friends" or what I like to call them...my stalker subjects. And to top it off, I didn't have to constantly look at my friends bellies as their child grew inside of them or hear if it is a boy or girl. Again, it was a great time away. And when I felt I was ready, I got my password and went back to my usual facebook life.

This was ok...until recently. I'm an email and facebook junky. I love to be on it and check it and see what everyone is doing. And the weirdest thing is that I don't know if I really care that they went to the dentist and had 4 cavities filled or not (sorry friends!).

But the 2 worst things were happening because of my time spent on facebook. I ignored my husband and I ignored my God. Mike was constantly getting ignored because I would quickly grab my laptop and look at the last news from everyone...some people I actually care about pictures and stuff they post but others are people I don't even talk to anymore....my old life. But even worse was that I would choose to go on facebook so much that my time with God and in His word was almost non-existent.

This past Sunday at church and also at our small group I was challenged to think of the things that keep me from going deep with God...let alone having a regular personal time with Him. So I told Mike that I need him to change the old facebook password that he so lovingly created for me a year ago for the next 3 weeks. For 3 weeks I am with God everyday. I have been talking to Him, listening to Him, and desiring to be close to my Father. I haven't felt this passionate about God in...well I don't even know if I ever felt this way about Him. And as I read the Bible, I am reading it with different eyes. It's as if I only read it as a story and not as the truth of Christ before. And I am really asking God to change me and mold me into the woman He has always wanted me to be in these next weeks....and that if He wants me to cancel facebook, that He will give me the strength and peace to do so. I don't need it...I just need Him.

So my first fast. It is powerful and is drawing me closer to 2 very important people in my life. Mike and I have had some fun just hanging out, going for walks, and talking about God and read books to help us grow. And again, with God...my eternal Father who I have put aside for far too long.