Have Faith

I have been struggling lately. I feel like God forgot about us and in this time of doubt, a dear friend prayed with me and then reminded me of a song from our church worship CD. Its called "Have Faith" and it really touched home with me. I need this and have listened to it a bunch today. It is my prayer for my life right now and maybe it can be yours for what you are going through.

CHORUS
In trust, believe
Take hold, receive
BE BOLD! BE STRONG! HAVE FAITH!
Let go of doubt
With hope step out
BE BOLD! BE STRONG! HAVE FAITH!

Have faith when the test is long
Have faith, right will conquer wrong
Have faith, God's working out His plan
Have faith in His sovereignty
Have faith, though you cannot see
Have faith, stay the course, persevere

CHORUS

Have faith, God will vindicate
Have faith through the endless wait
Have faith, God's timing is the best
Have faith, God is very near
Have faith, don't give into fear
Have faith, stay the course, persevere

CHORUS

Hold onto the God who's holding on to you
Be strong in the grace that God is giving you
Hold onto the God who's holding on to you
Be strong in the grace that God is giving you

Love our small group!

Mike and I have been a part of a small group for a few years now and the people in that group have become like family to us. They have walked with us in great times and also in our worst times. Sunday nights have become a time we cherish. Not just for the time in the word and prayer time but for the fellowship we share over dinner every week. I have talked about them before but today I want to talk about something much more.

This past Sunday night, we had a smaller group than normal and it was pretty much amazing. Our conversation was such a blessing as we talked about how to best support and love our leaders in the church. As we started this discussion, we said that sometimes it is hard to know how to best pray for the leaders because they don't always share specific requests. Our thoughts on how to pray for the unknown lead us to the talk about how we can best be praying for each other in our group. It was this discussion that the conversation about being more in each others lives came up. And not just getting to hear the prayer requests about family, work, etc but about our hearts and walks with God. Sometimes, at least in my experience, the deep thoughts tend to not come to the surface. We don't like to look vulnerable, especially in regards to our spiritual life. I know for me, I think everyone has a better relationship with God so I don't want to share those struggles with everyone.

But this past Sunday, we went there. The group really opened up and I feel like I know and love those people more than I did the day before. As a group, we started something. Something that we can now show to those who weren't there. I'm excited to see this new desire to go deep to play out. I mean, that is what a small group is about...it isn't just about the Bible study or dinner but about being in each others lives.

This is the kind of group of people I want my children to see their parents interacting with. I want them hearing us talk about our faith. Not just the good but the bad and ugly. They should know that we are comfortable sharing this with others so that when they are ready to accept Jesus in their hearts, they know they can talk with us or their Sunday School teachers, because they saw their mom and dad doing that same thing. And as they grow in their faith, they can think back to the years we were all a part of this Grace Group and find others they can go deep with.

This is my dream for not only my friendships now for myself but the example I can now set for my children.

5 years...

It was 5 years ago today that I stood in that very spot and promised to love and cherish Mike Wise for the rest of my life. A day that I love remembering and celebrating. This year, we hit a big milestone...5 years. Feels like we were just newlyweds! I love being married to this man. This won't be a long post but I just wanted to say how much this man has changed my life. He is truly my best friend and partner in life. We have been through all the ups and downs and have come out stronger and more in love with each other. I am so blessed to be his wife.

Feelings check

When I was in high school, our family went to therapy (not for anything serious) and I hated it. I always felt that I didn't need to be there and that it was stupid. Now, as I can look back on those times in that office, I appreciate the tools that therapist taught us. I even use them today with myself and my thoughts and also with Mike in our marriage...and I hope that we can use them with our children to help build strong communication.

One of the more annoying (but also super helpful) things we were expected to do was a "feelings check." That is how we would start every session I went to. Now this wasn't just saying angry or frustrated or annoyed but to really dig and say how you were feeling. This was especially helpful when our family did not want to talk or really be honest with each other.

And this morning I was having my quiet time and was in the book of Matthew 13-14. The first chapter was the parables and chapter 14 was about the death of John the Baptist and the feeding of the five thousand. For some reason, chapter 14 left me awestruck. I was reading how sad Jesus was that his friend and brother John died. He went for a walk and had time by himself...he was feeling and mourning. I actually started writing this post yesterday and when I started reading about Jesus' feelings, I was humbled to remember that He feels too. I mean, I am amazed that God feels everything we feel, when I am sad so is He, when I am happy so is He. He takes it on and even in His human years, He too was like me...feeling things. So I am realizing that Christ wants us to acknowledge our feelings because He knows how they feel in so many ways. (I'm sure this sounds confusing but it was a great thing for me to understand this morning).

So today, I am wanting to do my own feelings check. Today I am feeling joyful and anxious. On the one hand, I am just so excited for the things that lie ahead of us and what each day brings. But the human impatience of it all is almost too much! I love this stage, I really feel like God is getting my maternal instincts together and preparing me for motherhood. The joyful, anxious feelings are beyond welcomed because they bring a peace and a hope along with them.

Moving forward...

Wow, so last week we officially signed a contract (and wrote a hefty check!) with Adoption Answer, an adoption facilitator. It feels so good to be moving forward with this group. The director is pretty much amazing and has made us feel loved and cared for already, and we only met once!

After we got the contract signed, we went right to work on our books. I bought a publishing program and worked my tail off on them. They turned out pretty darn good...if I don't say so myself! They are all printed and on Wednesday morning, I am gonna take them to their office in Riverside and hopefully it won't be long till we are shown to birth mothers. And even more, we are praying it will be a quick process...we hope to get matched quick.

Lately, I have been thinking and listening to God a lot. When I think about this process, and how I think God wants out story to look like, I always get this amazing excitement and peace about things moving really quick. Like, we get a call from the hospital, quick. So lately I have been telling God that if that is what He has planned, we are on board. We have a baby's room done, diapers and formula for a month, and hearts that are so ready to love a child of our own. My stomach is getting those excited flutters just thinking about being a mom soon.

We have an awesome vacation planned for September, actually for the week of my 25Th Birthday. We are going to Disney World to visit Mike's little brother Jon who is working as a chef there. I'm so excited to be able to do this...we have free flights, free entrance into the parks, and 1/2 off our hotel! Amazing! But Mike made a comment that gets me even more excited for this trip...he really feels like we will either be bringing a baby with us or we will be having to cancel last minute because we are getting our child. I mean I know that God may totally have other plans but its amazing how He has given Mike and I these little feelings of hope and peace.

Our God is so great and I love knowing that He is there for us...and has been from day 1. He has walked with us through our valleys and our peaks and right now, we are joyful in what He is doing because we truly feel that HE is doing something amazing in our lives and is definitely leading us in our lives!!!

Just sitting on our patio....

And realizing that it has been almost a month since I posted anything. So much has been going on...

Staying home has been so nice...I am not stressed out and feel like I can think again. I did get a part time job at the Irvine School District but I still have a month and a half off so its good for now! Its funny, I never really thought I was a stressed person but I am learning that I totally was. Its not that I didn't like working at Biola (especially since I loved the people there) but I guess the work did overwhelm me. I thought I had to do it all and help everyone. But now that I am home, I am seeing that I cannot get it all done in one day and it's ok to take my time to accomplish all the tasks I have before me.

In other news, my darling husband turned 30 this past Saturday. I have been spoiling him for the last 30 days and loved watching him just enjoy all his friends and family at his party. On Friday, we went to the Great Park in Irvine and rode the hot air balloon...it was amazing!

Then we celebrated with a great party and I think Mike had fun... I love this man and am so grateful for who he is. He really is a great person and it is a huge blessing to be his wife.

In adoption news, we are signing a contract with an adoption facilitator tomorrow. Their job will be to find us a baby. They usually get people matched within 1-4 months. We are feeling like God is really in control and leading us step by step in this decision. God has a child out there for us and know that He will bring us together soon! I will hopefully have more news soon!!!

Update

I think I am way overdue for an update. We got some unfortunate news last Sunday (Fathers Day) from the birthmother. She texted us to let us know that she had the baby. After talking with the social workers, she is keeping the baby. Looks like we are back at square one and waiting to be matched again. We were definitely disappointed and are working through those feelings.

In other news, my last day at Biola was last Friday and now I am staying home being a housewife. Today is my first day at home. So far I have done laundry, made lunch for Mike, and plan to do a lot more. I am loving getting the house organized and together for us. I'm glad i can do this for Mike so he doesn't have to worry about it when he gets home. (I kinda think he is liking it too!)

Ok...I think that is it for now! Will keep more updated now that I am at home!

Change is in the air!

Change is not something I particularly enjoy. I like being in my little comfort zone with the people I know and doing the things I know as well. So when things change with this zone of mine, I cringe a little. My childhood was marked with change and being adaptable---I never complained because it made life interesting. So as I entered adulthood and could make decisions for myself, I have tried to keep my zone as comfortable as possible. I went to a school where I didn't get to know a lot of people because it was huge, have worked at a job for almost 3 years even though it isn't my dream job, and so many other things.

But change in on the horizon for the Wise family. Next Friday (the 25th) is my last day at Biola. I am quitting my comfortable job to see what God has in store for us. Whether that be becoming a mom or finding a job that is closer to our South OC home. Either one is out of my zone!!!

But I am resting on Jeremiah 29:11---God knows the plans for my life and really, that is all I need in life right now!!! So change...I am welcoming you with open arms!

Faith

Tonight I was watching "16 and Pregnant" on MTV. This episode was about a girl named Lori. Lori is a senior in high school who got pregnant (bet you didn't see that coming!!!). I watched this show and just sobbed. Lori's parents wanted her to give the baby up for adoption but she and the birth father weren't so sure. This couple had a bad relationship and in the end Lori knew that she didn't have any other options so she had to give her baby up for adoption. Her story, along with the adoptive couples journey in this, seemed all too familiar with ours. Watching the heart break this was causing everyone and even the tears that the adoptive couple had during the ceremony they had at the hospital. I was just a mess after watching this.

So, knowing that these emotions were coming from somewhere, I took it to the Lord. I just cried to my Father and told Him how I was feeling. How I want to be a mother and that I am sorry I haven't just let Him be in control of the situation. Then I opened my Bible to Hebrews. I remember Mike and I talking about how he found a few verses there that encouraged him so I turned there as well.

Hebrews 11-12...click here to read it.

These chapters talked about faith. Verse 1 reads "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Ok...I was totally reading this out loud and before I even finished this sentence, God had me completely in tears. Faith isn't waiting for God do everything your heart desires but that God will perform all that He promises and is the foundation for us to build all our hopes for the future on.

Reading about all the people in the Bible who had faith: Abel, Enoch, Abraham and Sarah, Moses...reminds me that God desires for us to trust that He is working in us in a way that we might not see. I feel that God is using this time of struggle and waiting that we have experienced to make me a better woman and ultimately a better mother. I know that He is making my faith unshakable and putting my relationship with Him upon a firm foundation. These are the unseen ways that God is blessing me by my having faith in Him.

The verse that I am going to cling to this week is Hebrews 12: 1-2..."Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." I love how this brings us back to the cross....right where we need to be constantly looking to, no matter where we are in life. That truly is faith.

Update

It's been a while since I posted anything so I think its about time!

Mike has been in Houston for 3 weeks and he is now sitting on the couch next to me playing with our new camera we bought for our hopefully growing family! We are looking forward to just spending time together...and totally dreading Tuesday morning when I have to take him back to the airport for another 3 weeks.

After our meeting with the birthparents a few weeks ago, the birthmom got my cell phone number from the agency and called me to get together. I drove down last friday night and we had a nice dinner together. It was really great getting to know her. But throughout our meeting she seemed VERY confused. She kept saying "If I keep the baby....if i keep the baby..." And giving scenarios of what her life will be like after if she decides to keep it. Didn't exactly make me feel great. I felt weird about the meeting. I talked to Anita (our social worker) and told her what happened and she called the birthmom's social worker and explained it all to her. I think that the birthmom needs someone to talk to and doesn't have many people. But she just didn't realize that I am probably not the best person for that job! So I talked to her social worker last monday and the birthmom has decided that she doesn't want to make a decision about whether to keep the baby or not until after it is born.

So we are back to square one. But we both agree that we are kinda in a good situation...on one hand, she may still give us her baby in a matter of weeks. On the other, now that we aren't in a match process with anyone, we are able to be shown to other birthparents. We are disappointed about everything but feel like God is still in control of everything. I have learned that I tend to find my security in the times when I am able to control a situation. But I am working on putting my control aside and let God lead me in life. That my security comes from Him, the one who is able to do far greater than I can even imagine. Mike and i are so grateful to have a God who we can rely on 100%. Who leads us and allows us to grow closer to Him everyday.

And lastly, Mike and I have decided that since we may still be adopting soon, I have put in my notice at Biola and my last day is June 25th. This is a HUGE leap of faith for us. We feel at peace with this decision and know that God has given us that peace for a reason and we are definitely resting in that.

Well, I am off to spend time with my hubby! Thanks for being a part of this crazy journey with us...we love seeing God work in us and to share it with others just makes it so much more meaningful!