The struggle with infertility

Everyone woman assumes that she will one day get pregnant and she even plans out when to go on birth control, when to go off so she can get pregnant by a certain time. But the thing that constantly gets overlooked is the fact that they have absolutely no control of their lives...God does. I always wanted Mike and I to be married like 2 years before we started trying and get pregnant within 3-4 months and have a child around our 3rd anniversary.

Boy did God have other plans. In a million years, I would never have thought that I would be infertile (which I may or may not be, but I am gonna use the term for now). I figured that both my grandma's had over 5 kids and Mike's family has a lot too so I figured my genetic makeup would make it an easy thing. But here I am, after trying to get pregnant for 2 years, no baby and many tears, I am still childless.

I think it is important to let people know the hurt that one goes through when struggling with infertility. From having to hear from people who don't understand tell you they know exactly what you are going through, watching friends and family members get pregnant quickly, noticing every pregnant woman, and continually getting Big Fat No's on those blasted pregnancy tests. And even though I have heard many people tell me that it's not fair to be upset at those women getting pregnant or whatever, it still hurts and if you know someone struggling with infertility, please love on them just a little bit.

I feel as though I have lost a child. Maybe not physically but emotionally and I have had to grieve this loss. No...I didn't have to bury my child or fill out a death certificate but I had to accept that we may never have a biological child. I went through the 5 stages of grief...denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. They each were so hard but can proudly say that I am in the acceptance stage. But everyday is a battle. Be sensitive to those friends and give them a little grace (unless they are being totally unreasonable). Something else that is important is to let their husbands lead them through this and tell them to snap out of it when needed. He is her rock and she can take criticism from him way better than from you. Don't judge the woman who is struggling...you don't know what she is feeling (not even me). Everyone is different.

My friends are starting to have the kids they were pregnant with when I was in the depression stage and reality is hitting me smack in the face. This is why I wanted to write about infertility. Not only am I someone who has gone through this but it is something that many couples will have been through before they begin their journey into adoption. They need to move past this, with your love and support, and then they can joyfully see that there are other ways that God can make them a parent. I didn't just wake up and magically accept that we may not have biological children. I prayed and cried and hurt before I could pray and feel a peace. And that peace is the peace that only the Lord can provide and that he moved in us in a profound way.

I don't know if I would have been ready to be a mom a year ago. I think I needed to be a stronger woman before I could be ready. I had to know what loss felt like, how I took getting pregnant for granted, and truly see God's hand in control of my life. So here I am...still childless but ready to be a mom. The difference---I am resting on God's timing...not mine.