Am I nervous to adopt again?

Yes. I could sugar coat this but yes I'm nervous. I have so many fears that I will mess up again or that I will let fear grip me in ways in which make it so I can hardly breathe. I'm scared that I will hurt our family or disappoint those watching us do this.

So why are we doing this? And how am I coping and managing the fear?

We are adopting again for so many reasons. We want to grow our family and adoption is the way we do that. We want to follow God's leading, no matter the fear. After what happened last year, I don't want fear to grip me and hold me back from doing the things that He desires for my life and our family. And we feel like pursuing another domestic adoption is where God has us. I have a heart for the birth moms who choose life and choose adoption for their child. This is a selfless act of love that I feel honored to have witnessed firsthand over 5 years ago. Getting to experience this again and to support, love, and respect another amazing woman in this process is moving and such a joy and blessing.

Right now there are verses I am meditating on and my amazing husband is pointing me to Christ so often in those moments. These are huge helps on processing the fear.

Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

James 1:2-4 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

I mean, I could pick all of James. But these verses stand out to me in James because I believe that God wants to show me that He will work in my life through the good and the bad times. He will draw me closer to Him, giving me all I need. This is a concept I have struggled with pretty much all my life. Trusting Him and he will not only take care of me but he will also draw me closer to him in the process. This used to feel like an unimaginable concept to me. But I'm getting it so much more. Only through God can I put all my fears and he will give me everything I need to continue moving forward.

And lastly, I'm talking about my fears more. I'm being honest with Mike, friends and our amazing grace group. I'm thinking ahead what I might feel as we move forward with a match or a baby being born. And truthfully, my having a heart for birth moms tends to produce some guilt on my part and I'm nervous about that feeling again. When Emsley was born, I felt guilty for taking her away from her birth mom. It affected my immediate attachment. But this time around, I know I might feel that way again but I know what those feelings are and can process them so much better. And if you haven't met Michelle Dettman from Adoption Center of Hope (our coordinator for both Emlsey's adoption and this one!) you will know that this woman loves these birth moms and helps them process well. She knows my heart and walked through life with us all those years ago.

Having a great support system is key this time around. I have friends asking us how we are doing. Pointing us to Christ. Reminding us we aren't alone. This is vital to conquer the fear. God calls us to not only cast our anxieties on him but to also carry each others. I'm seeing how essential this is for my life. To allow others to walk through something that I'm nervous about and let them pray with us and speak God's truth in our lives. I realized I can't just live a life of comfort and do all the easy things. God wants us to be challenged and through those moments is where we learn to lean on Him in the most necessary ways.

So yes, I'm nervous but I trust that God has us in this place for a reason.