Its been a while. Like 5 months. So just where have the Wise's been lately. This is a condensed version of it but here we go...
Back in September we were asked by a family member to consider a placement of a cousin's daughters, ages 3 and 4. They were currently in foster care and looking for family if it came to adoption. This was a hard decision for our family, especially considering everything that happened the last time we were in this situation. We spent a couple weeks praying about it and ultimately we both felt that the Lord was saying yes. So we have spent the last few months talking with social workers and keeping up to date with the girls case. It is a sad story that I don't want to share on this page.
As of right now we don't have any idea where the case is. We hope to get some idea this week of whether the girls will be returning to their mom or if we will be getting involved in their sweet little lives. Our home is open to them no matter what we find out this week. The Lord put the yes in our hearts and we already care about them very much and that can't be for nothing. We are continuing to pray for them and their mom no matter the outcome.
But we have put our life on hold enough. This week we will be submitting our paperwork, profile books, and check to start our domestic adoption. We are soo excited for this chapter and can't wait to hold our sweet baby in our arms. Emsley will be an amazing big sister. She doesn't know about this other situation but is so excited for a baby to join us.
So be praying for our family as we enter this next phase of our lives. Pray for God's provision of funds, peace as we move forward with this but keep our home open to these little girls, and for joy to abound for this next chapter. And as always we pray for our future child's birthparents. What they are about to do is a HUGE choice of love. Pray for peace as they walk this road and support from those around them.
Thanks for waiting patiently with us and we promise to keep you all updated on the growth of our little wise family!
Showing posts with label Having Faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Having Faith. Show all posts
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Baby steps
I feel like this is the only way to describe how our family will be growing...in baby steps. We have some great friends who wanted to get together with us to talk about our family. We went over one night and they asked the hard questions: do we BOTH want more kids? do we BOTH want to adopt a baby or do foster care? And then some....but it was so good for us to be thinking these things through. And what came of that time was that Mike just wants at least one more kid (or 20 if he has his say!) and I want the process to be as close to what we would have experienced if we got pregnant. The process is important for me and the growth is important to Mike. That is something we never realized. I mean, I think having gone through infertility it has definitely made me sad that we didn't get to grow our family organically. We didn't get to get pregnant, wait 9 months, meet our baby, then wait a couple years and start the process over. Our process just isn't that easy. We have to save us for adoption fees, fill out a terrible amount of paperwork, get poked and prodded, scanned and tested, then make a profile book, hope a birth mom chooses us, then after a possibly awkward meeting with birth mom, we might get matched and wait till baby is born. Then there is more waiting to see if birth mom doesn't change her mind, then more meetings, and paperwork while we wait for a finalization court date. I mean, I'm tired just typing that out!
So my desire to at least imitate parts of the natural process is important. Even with the money, paperwork, and waiting, the baby part is something I love. I miss Emsley being a baby. Every once in a while I will look at my almost 5 year old girl and feel sad that time is going so fast. She is going to be in Kindergarten soon and yet it feels like just yesterday she was dancing in her diapers with me!
I want to have at least one more kid, to give Emsley a little brother or sister. I can't think beyond one more. It is too much for me! But I love when I see Emsley with babies and loves them so much. She will be a wonderful big sister. So right now, the Wises are filling out paperwork and finishing up our profile book to get our home study going. We have no money but a lot of faith that God provides. And he does and already has! Someone left us a large anonymous check at our house one day and it just reminded us that God is here. This process could take a while, and it doesn't help that we are both working, have a sweet girl who needs and wants our attention, and a life of house stuff, colds, friends to spend time with, and church things going on. But we will get it done and hopefully have more updates.
I still get nervous of whether I can love more than just Emsley but those fears are not of the Lord. I know unconditional love from no one else but Him and plan to show that to my daughter and any other children God decides to bring into our family.
So for now, pray for us that we get our butts in gear and for the birth mom that could be pregnant right now with our child. That God would minister to her heart in a big way and prepare us to love her as well. This is the part of adoption I love. The relationship that God allows to happen with this woman who will forever be in our hearts.
So my desire to at least imitate parts of the natural process is important. Even with the money, paperwork, and waiting, the baby part is something I love. I miss Emsley being a baby. Every once in a while I will look at my almost 5 year old girl and feel sad that time is going so fast. She is going to be in Kindergarten soon and yet it feels like just yesterday she was dancing in her diapers with me!
I want to have at least one more kid, to give Emsley a little brother or sister. I can't think beyond one more. It is too much for me! But I love when I see Emsley with babies and loves them so much. She will be a wonderful big sister. So right now, the Wises are filling out paperwork and finishing up our profile book to get our home study going. We have no money but a lot of faith that God provides. And he does and already has! Someone left us a large anonymous check at our house one day and it just reminded us that God is here. This process could take a while, and it doesn't help that we are both working, have a sweet girl who needs and wants our attention, and a life of house stuff, colds, friends to spend time with, and church things going on. But we will get it done and hopefully have more updates.
I still get nervous of whether I can love more than just Emsley but those fears are not of the Lord. I know unconditional love from no one else but Him and plan to show that to my daughter and any other children God decides to bring into our family.
So for now, pray for us that we get our butts in gear and for the birth mom that could be pregnant right now with our child. That God would minister to her heart in a big way and prepare us to love her as well. This is the part of adoption I love. The relationship that God allows to happen with this woman who will forever be in our hearts.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Our year.
I don't even know where to begin
in writing this post. So much has happened to our family over the last
year.
One year ago we were finishing up
some upgrades to our house in hopes of getting a referral from our foster care
agency. I didn't think too much about it all and was pretty happy with our
family but this was the path we were on so I was going to trudge along with it.
In April we got a referral for a sibling set of 3 kids, ages 4, 6, and 10. They
looked like sweet kids and we said yes. No praying about it, we did talk about
it and how great it would be to have older kids and not having to start over.
Nothing huge and nothing built on the foundation of Christ. Of course, I didn't
see it that way in the midst of it. Most of what I learned from that time was
after the fact. Wait, let me get back to our referral...
In early May we met the kids at
the park. We played with them and had a good time. We left that hour and went
home with Emsley. Mike felt sad to have had to say goodbye. I felt relieved.
Playing and interacting with 4 kids was overwhelming, especially since they
were strangers and the two older were ages I didn't know how to be around (as a
mom). But I pushed those feelings down and didn't take them to the Lord. In my
life, when I feel scared or alone I knew I could always count on....ME. Boy did
I learn how wrong that was.
5 days later the youngest boy
came to live with us. It was a tough transition but it was only 1 more kid and
even though I didn't attach quick, him being there was good. Emsley had someone
to play with and he was a sweet guy. Not even 2 days after that, we picked up
the older two and had a weekend visit at our house. The second we got back to
our house I was overwhelmed. That might be under exaggerating how I felt. Mike
was so happy to have a full house (he is used to chaos of 4 kids!) and I was
crying in the bathroom, garage, backyard, my car, anywhere I could find
privacy. I missed Emsley. I missed Mike. And the ME that I talked about being
all I needed to count on, quickly wasn't cutting it.
The day the kids left from that
weekend was mother's day. It was a HARD day but them leaving was relieving.
Then I spent the next week dreading the next weekend long visit. I mean, I lost
8 pounds in just a week and wasn't eating or sleeping. I also wasn't praying. I
mean, that should have been my indicator. Mike and I weren't doing well. He was
hurt at how I was feeling and I was hurt that he couldn't see me slipping away.
The next weekend visit came and
went and more anxiety, weight loss, and depression followed. Friends saw how I
was affected and got involved because they were concerned. Mike and I spent a
few days not talking, more for space to think and pray than to just not talk. I
felt scared that we were going to divorce if I stopped this and scared that I
would never recover if we went through with it. I was between a rock and a hard
place. Notice, that I only went to God when I needed something specific. Not
just needing to be with my God. Through the good and bad.
After time to think and pray, we
(somewhat reluctantly) decided to not move forward with placement. The little
guy would move back with his foster mom that he had lived with for the last 18
months. The other kids would be told that we would not be moving forward.
Everything was a mess. I hated myself and what I did to these kids, to Emsley,
Mike, myself, the Lord. I mean, I thought he was calling us to do this and yet
he didn't help me. And now I would have to go to church every Sunday and our
adoption ministry one time a month and face our friends knowing what a failure
I have become. I failed everyone. I tell people they should adopt but then
can't even do it myself. I tell people to trust God in the hard times yet here
I was not doing it.
The next 6 months were spent
feeling distant to my own life. I felt distant from some friends because surely
they hated me for what I did. For giving up on these kids. I felt distant from
Mike. For so many reasons but this is a man who has a passion for the
fatherless and I failed him in every way possible. But he still loved me and
some days I just didn't know why. Why would anyone like me now? Why would they
want to be my friend? Why would anyone ever support us if we decided to adopt
again? Wouldn't we just hurt more kids? Oh and I still think most of these
things, but something key has changed in my thinking.
I need God. I need him with every
breath I take. I need him when times are happy and we are doing well, I need
him when I feel myself falling apart and living in fear, doubt, guilt, and
pain. But more importantly, he needs me to trust him. Kim Wise is not going to
be able to support Kim Wise. I can only do that by trusting God to provide for
us, lead us, sustain us, and love us. That may mean that I walk into hard
situations. That may mean that I doubt again and struggle against my very
sinful nature. But now something deep within my soul, there is an ache for
Christ. There is a need to learn more about him, lean on him, pour my heart out
to him, praise his name, and sit quietly before him.
So where are the Wise's now? Mike
and I have forgiven each other in the ways we failed each other and asked
forgiveness for God first in those areas. We have taken our desires, fears,
dreams, and struggles before him and rested. We still have work to do but we
are communicating better in all things and loving each other in that truth.
I know that people will still not
understand how we could have done what we did. But please love us still. We are
all so sinful and make bad decisions but Christ calls us to love each other and
carry one another's burdens. We have learned so much in this time and I will
spend my life reflecting back on May of 2015 wondering what went wrong and what
I could have done better. I came across a blogpost by a momma who had
something similar happen to her when fostering. And a line really stuck with
me. She said, "A scar that is there because I didn't know my limits, and I
didn't ask for help when I should have." I will have a scar from that time
that will live with me always and so will those 3 sweet kiddos who I am happy
to say have been matched with another family ( whom I pray for regularly). But
Christ can use those scars to teach us and remind us of his goodness,
forgiveness, and grace. I'm not going to let this experience make me forget
that I am washed white as snow by the one who loves me as the horrible, sinful,
woman that I am. His mercies are new every morning and for that, I can look
forward with joy in my heart and a little bit of healing each day.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
A Needed Update
I'm pretty sure that I'm the only person on the earth who reads this blog but here we go. Even if I am the only one reading it, I still want to document our family's adoption process and be able to look back and see how I was feeling at certain points in the process. So here we go.
We had our home study officially approved May of 2014 and were ready to go but after submitting our names for over 10 sibling sets we were not getting chosen for any of them. This started to become hard to take after each time they said they picked a different family. I mean, how many times can we possibly be passed up. It started to feel like maybe God was closing the door to our desire to adopt. But thank goodness God allowed us to get a new social worker who is really proactive and likes us lots. She wrote us a few weeks ago and recommended that we attend a little meeting where adoptive parents can attend and meet social workers from each of the Southern California counties and see which kids they have available. We were both so nervous and I thought this could very possibly be the most awkward thing we would ever go to. And I was partly correct.
We walked into this office and waited for our social worker to get there and then walked in and were told we could go to each table the county had and meet the social workers and any kids we were interested in we could ask questions and submit our home study whenever we want. After it was all over, we submitted our home study for 1 sibling set of 2 boys for San Bernardino county and 3 sibling sets for Riverside county (1 sib set of 2, and 2 sib sets of 3). Each set of kiddos we felt really good about and made good connections with the social workers from those counties so that is great. They said that we should hear news in about 2 weeks. Great, more waiting.
I don't do well with waiting...
One week and one day later I wrote our social worker and asked her if she has heard anything and thanked her for inviting and encouraging us to go to that little meeting. She wrote me the next day and said that she heard from Riverside county and they though one of the sib sets we submitted for would be great for us and they will meet Monday and let us know which kids. More waiting...
We found out late that Monday night that we were matched with a sibling set of 3 from Riverside county. A 10 year old girl, and 2 boys ages 6 and 4. They are amazing and gorgeous and we will be doubling our family as well as becoming a multi-ethnic family as they kids are hispanic/african american. Good thing we go to a church where families look unique around every corner!
So what is next?
This Friday at 10am, Mike and I will attend a meeting with the social worker and our social worker to discuss the kids and we can ask any questions we have about them. This meeting is called a full disclosure meeting. After this, we will give our final answer about whether we want to move forward to bring these kids home. And to be honest, it would have to take a biggie to make us say no to these 2 kids.
Ways to be praying... Oh man. Where do I begin!?!?! For peace as I have felt Satan attacking my insecurities and fears already about this. For our time as a family of 3 to be sweet. For Mike and I to connect well in the next couple weeks and months before life really changes. For all to come to light about these sweet kids at the meeting. And most importantly that we prepare ourselves to parent older kids who we want to raise to love the Lord!
Big changes for us....but so exciting!
We had our home study officially approved May of 2014 and were ready to go but after submitting our names for over 10 sibling sets we were not getting chosen for any of them. This started to become hard to take after each time they said they picked a different family. I mean, how many times can we possibly be passed up. It started to feel like maybe God was closing the door to our desire to adopt. But thank goodness God allowed us to get a new social worker who is really proactive and likes us lots. She wrote us a few weeks ago and recommended that we attend a little meeting where adoptive parents can attend and meet social workers from each of the Southern California counties and see which kids they have available. We were both so nervous and I thought this could very possibly be the most awkward thing we would ever go to. And I was partly correct.
We walked into this office and waited for our social worker to get there and then walked in and were told we could go to each table the county had and meet the social workers and any kids we were interested in we could ask questions and submit our home study whenever we want. After it was all over, we submitted our home study for 1 sibling set of 2 boys for San Bernardino county and 3 sibling sets for Riverside county (1 sib set of 2, and 2 sib sets of 3). Each set of kiddos we felt really good about and made good connections with the social workers from those counties so that is great. They said that we should hear news in about 2 weeks. Great, more waiting.
I don't do well with waiting...
One week and one day later I wrote our social worker and asked her if she has heard anything and thanked her for inviting and encouraging us to go to that little meeting. She wrote me the next day and said that she heard from Riverside county and they though one of the sib sets we submitted for would be great for us and they will meet Monday and let us know which kids. More waiting...
We found out late that Monday night that we were matched with a sibling set of 3 from Riverside county. A 10 year old girl, and 2 boys ages 6 and 4. They are amazing and gorgeous and we will be doubling our family as well as becoming a multi-ethnic family as they kids are hispanic/african american. Good thing we go to a church where families look unique around every corner!
So what is next?
This Friday at 10am, Mike and I will attend a meeting with the social worker and our social worker to discuss the kids and we can ask any questions we have about them. This meeting is called a full disclosure meeting. After this, we will give our final answer about whether we want to move forward to bring these kids home. And to be honest, it would have to take a biggie to make us say no to these 2 kids.
Ways to be praying... Oh man. Where do I begin!?!?! For peace as I have felt Satan attacking my insecurities and fears already about this. For our time as a family of 3 to be sweet. For Mike and I to connect well in the next couple weeks and months before life really changes. For all to come to light about these sweet kids at the meeting. And most importantly that we prepare ourselves to parent older kids who we want to raise to love the Lord!
Big changes for us....but so exciting!
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Our girl
Yes I am aware that this blog has been unused for a very long time. But today I had an idea for a post and was super excited to write for the first time in a while. Our girl has been amazing lately. Besides the random freak outs she has as a normal almost 3 year old, she is getting out of the terrible twos and entering into the terrific threes! I can see that the light at the end of the tunnel from the last 18 month is approaching and am glad that God gave Mike and I strength to endure this.
Emsley is getting her little heart ready for welcoming siblings into our home and with that I have loved watching her heart swell with joy at the idea that other kids will be living here possibly forever. And in the adoption process we are having to adjust some of our discipling with Emsley to prepare for how we are to discipline our soon to be kids. Emsley never responded well to spanking so that was easy to drop but time outs weren't always effective either. My patience for her is strong, only by the grace of God! And with that, I have been able to take a hard situation she is going through and get down to her level and talk about how and why she is feeling upset. I think this has helped her work out her feelings and handle her frustration with me and even her friends. This has really given her and I a sweet connection and I think we are more in sync with each other too!
She is always happy and using her new founded imagination! Daddy and her play treasure hunt or we do hair salon or we are playing with her easel learning how to spell and write her name. She is so smart and happy pretty much all the time! After her "nap" (which doesn't happen everyday!) she is so happy. Everyday she gets up and asks me if I'm happy and then tells me she is happy too and we hug and kiss for a couple minutes. I mean, seriously!
They say that for girls they are rough between 2 and 3…for Emsley it was 18 months till almost 3. But they also say that after 3, they are amazing and man are they right! We love our sweet girl!
Emsley is getting her little heart ready for welcoming siblings into our home and with that I have loved watching her heart swell with joy at the idea that other kids will be living here possibly forever. And in the adoption process we are having to adjust some of our discipling with Emsley to prepare for how we are to discipline our soon to be kids. Emsley never responded well to spanking so that was easy to drop but time outs weren't always effective either. My patience for her is strong, only by the grace of God! And with that, I have been able to take a hard situation she is going through and get down to her level and talk about how and why she is feeling upset. I think this has helped her work out her feelings and handle her frustration with me and even her friends. This has really given her and I a sweet connection and I think we are more in sync with each other too!
She is always happy and using her new founded imagination! Daddy and her play treasure hunt or we do hair salon or we are playing with her easel learning how to spell and write her name. She is so smart and happy pretty much all the time! After her "nap" (which doesn't happen everyday!) she is so happy. Everyday she gets up and asks me if I'm happy and then tells me she is happy too and we hug and kiss for a couple minutes. I mean, seriously!
They say that for girls they are rough between 2 and 3…for Emsley it was 18 months till almost 3. But they also say that after 3, they are amazing and man are they right! We love our sweet girl!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Happy New Year!
Seriously...best year ever! I feel like I can't say enough of what a great year 2011 was. We were talking about what all the amazing things that happened and what we are looking forward to and praying for in 2012.
1. Had a great vacation, last time just the 2 of us, to Hawaii in March.
2. We got to be at the ultrasound where we found out our baby would be a little girl.
3. Got to spend all kinds of time with Miss Amy before little Emsley was born.
4. We were able to be at the birth of our daughter, Emsley Breanne on April 17th.
5. I became a stay at home mom and have been loving it!
6. Celebrated our 6th anniversary by going to the aquarium with Emsley & a date afterwards alone.
7. Celebrated many first holidays with Emsley....she is so cute.
8. Watched Emsley learn so many new things: smiling, cooing, clapping, waving, laughing, crawling.
9. Spent plenty of time as a family of three with our friends and family.
10. Fell more in love with each other!
But I think this year will be even better. Emsley will be turning 1 and we have another great vacation planned to Hawaii with family. This will also be the year that Emsley's adoption will be finalized, which will be a pretty amazing time for our family. But my prayer is that God allows us to be not only good parents to Emsley but also that she will see Christ in us as she learns and grows more. We desire to see God at work in our family in extremely amazing ways. I'm looking forward to what God does in us...places we go, people we meet, or ways He uses us to further His kingdom.
So, here is to 2012!
1. Had a great vacation, last time just the 2 of us, to Hawaii in March.
2. We got to be at the ultrasound where we found out our baby would be a little girl.
3. Got to spend all kinds of time with Miss Amy before little Emsley was born.
4. We were able to be at the birth of our daughter, Emsley Breanne on April 17th.
5. I became a stay at home mom and have been loving it!
6. Celebrated our 6th anniversary by going to the aquarium with Emsley & a date afterwards alone.
7. Celebrated many first holidays with Emsley....she is so cute.
8. Watched Emsley learn so many new things: smiling, cooing, clapping, waving, laughing, crawling.
9. Spent plenty of time as a family of three with our friends and family.
10. Fell more in love with each other!
But I think this year will be even better. Emsley will be turning 1 and we have another great vacation planned to Hawaii with family. This will also be the year that Emsley's adoption will be finalized, which will be a pretty amazing time for our family. But my prayer is that God allows us to be not only good parents to Emsley but also that she will see Christ in us as she learns and grows more. We desire to see God at work in our family in extremely amazing ways. I'm looking forward to what God does in us...places we go, people we meet, or ways He uses us to further His kingdom.
So, here is to 2012!
Friday, October 21, 2011
Sentimental Sap
So tomorrow we are moving. We are leaving our home in Irvine and moving to a new place in Fullerton. Normally moves are exciting to me...I love the idea of reorganizing into a new place, decorating, and being in a new city. But this move is so hard. It might be because the new place is a significant downgrade from our current place in Irvine or because this home has such amazing and blessed memories of our family. This home is where we signed the check for our adoption application, we were here when we got the call that Amy decided us to parent Emsley, and it was here that we brought our long awaited daughter home and have watched her grow into this amazing little girl for the last 6 months. But regardless of what the reason, I just can't seem to stop crying.
Our new place is nice...great and quiet neighborhood. Fireplace, new kitchen and bathroom, a nice big patio, close to all our friends and closer to family, and we will be able to actually save money. We are a month or 2 away from being debt free and then the task of saving for buying our first home will actually happen. I've never been big into the idea that we have to buy a home. I have loved apartment living...someone else fixes stuff and even pays some of the utilities! But I think it has been since Emsley was born that I have a strong desire to make roots. To be able to look back years down the road and have beautiful memories that don't have to go away if rent is too high or if we need something else. I want to be the sentimental sap that I have totally become and do it freely in the comforts of my own home. I know that this next place is going to help us accomplish that and we will have some memories made there to cherish but long for that stability and groundedness.
But truthfully, I am trying to be grateful for having a home and even more, to have another one to be moving to. We are able to make rent every month and eat and go out. I know we are blessed. I'm trying to remember that our lives could be so much harder but God has blessed us. And lastly, I want to always have the perspective that any home here on earth is not really my home...my home is with my Savior in Heaven...not that is being grounded and on a firm foundation to boot!
Our new place is nice...great and quiet neighborhood. Fireplace, new kitchen and bathroom, a nice big patio, close to all our friends and closer to family, and we will be able to actually save money. We are a month or 2 away from being debt free and then the task of saving for buying our first home will actually happen. I've never been big into the idea that we have to buy a home. I have loved apartment living...someone else fixes stuff and even pays some of the utilities! But I think it has been since Emsley was born that I have a strong desire to make roots. To be able to look back years down the road and have beautiful memories that don't have to go away if rent is too high or if we need something else. I want to be the sentimental sap that I have totally become and do it freely in the comforts of my own home. I know that this next place is going to help us accomplish that and we will have some memories made there to cherish but long for that stability and groundedness.
But truthfully, I am trying to be grateful for having a home and even more, to have another one to be moving to. We are able to make rent every month and eat and go out. I know we are blessed. I'm trying to remember that our lives could be so much harder but God has blessed us. And lastly, I want to always have the perspective that any home here on earth is not really my home...my home is with my Savior in Heaven...not that is being grounded and on a firm foundation to boot!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
God's Greater Plan
What does it mean to just sit and listen to God? In my life, I rarely take the time to just listen to God...to hear him as he leads us in our life. I mean, he desires to give us a life that will grow us to be in a better and deeper relationship with Him. But sometimes, I think that I know better about what God has planned for our life. I don't want to sit around and let Him open doors and lead us. It is so much easier to just discover opportunities for us instead. And lately, this is a part of me that I have decided to let go of and leave my own desires and opinions to God. To put these thoughts at His feet and surrender to Him.
Seriously, this isn't easy. I mean, if you want to look for a new job, isn't it easier to just go online and look for other companies hiring? But in truth, Mike and I desire to be a couple that allows Him to lead us to a job or ministry, or maybe even another child. It may not be easy but this is definitely the way that God planned it. Jeremiah 29:11 has always been a favorite verse of mine. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord..." Right there He says that HE is the one that creates and provides all the plans for our lives. It may not be easy but it is exactly what He desires of us.
This past week I was having my quiet time and landed in James. It was kinda cool about how I landed on James 1:19-27. I had this feeling that I wanted to read about listening to God and caring about what He cares about and about what He desires for my heart to be desiring. So I landed on James and read about obeying God's word. God has a few things that weigh very heavily on his heart that He makes extremely clear in His word. James 1:27 says that "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." There we have it...we are to to care for orphans and widows and to stay true to God and to not be transformed by this sinful world we live in (Romans 12:2).
.
So how have we been applying this our lives? Well, we have a crazy passion for orphans...God has given us an undeniable desire to not only care for those who don't have a mommy and daddy to kiss them goodnight but also to educate others about this growing worldwide problem. But this is the crazy thing...we have absolutely no idea as to how to accomplish this so we will sit and wait for God to lead us...to show us his greater plan for our lives. It may be to start locally but in truth, God may be leading us to where He feels there is a need. So we sit and wait for He guidance and in the mean time, I will rest in knowing that He already knows where our lives will go and to what purpose we will have. We sit and pray that God will use us....this is scary to say, "yes, Lord we are here, use us" but this is what God has put on our hearts and I joyfully wait for the direction He gives us.
Seriously, this isn't easy. I mean, if you want to look for a new job, isn't it easier to just go online and look for other companies hiring? But in truth, Mike and I desire to be a couple that allows Him to lead us to a job or ministry, or maybe even another child. It may not be easy but this is definitely the way that God planned it. Jeremiah 29:11 has always been a favorite verse of mine. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord..." Right there He says that HE is the one that creates and provides all the plans for our lives. It may not be easy but it is exactly what He desires of us.
This past week I was having my quiet time and landed in James. It was kinda cool about how I landed on James 1:19-27. I had this feeling that I wanted to read about listening to God and caring about what He cares about and about what He desires for my heart to be desiring. So I landed on James and read about obeying God's word. God has a few things that weigh very heavily on his heart that He makes extremely clear in His word. James 1:27 says that "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." There we have it...we are to to care for orphans and widows and to stay true to God and to not be transformed by this sinful world we live in (Romans 12:2).
.
So how have we been applying this our lives? Well, we have a crazy passion for orphans...God has given us an undeniable desire to not only care for those who don't have a mommy and daddy to kiss them goodnight but also to educate others about this growing worldwide problem. But this is the crazy thing...we have absolutely no idea as to how to accomplish this so we will sit and wait for God to lead us...to show us his greater plan for our lives. It may be to start locally but in truth, God may be leading us to where He feels there is a need. So we sit and wait for He guidance and in the mean time, I will rest in knowing that He already knows where our lives will go and to what purpose we will have. We sit and pray that God will use us....this is scary to say, "yes, Lord we are here, use us" but this is what God has put on our hearts and I joyfully wait for the direction He gives us.
Monday, July 11, 2011
I love adoption.
Adoption is amazing because I love how I can't really compare Emsley to myself or Mike. I know that people have said she kinda looks like us or whatever but when it all comes down to it, she doesn't. When we first started the adoption process, I thought I would be sad to look at my child and not "see" myself or Mike in him/her. But I realized something this week. I may know that she doesn't get her chin or smile from me, but she ultimately gets it from God. Again, I am seeing how everything in adoption (and really should in life!) comes back to our Lord. She has the smile he gave her, the beautiful, full lips are a product of the Lord's mighty work. Most parents love comparing themselves to their kids but I love that we only can compare them with how great God is giving her those qualities.
Lastly, I love adoption because it gives me an appreciation for Emsley that I would not have had if we had a biological child. I love watching her grow and with each cry or fussy day, I learn more about her, about myself as a parent, and again (not to be too repetitive) more about God. Mike and I have a desire to not complain about being parents or about our daughter at all. We don't want to take for granted or be ungrateful that we have this absolutely beautiful gift from God in our lives. That is why we named her Emsley...our little reminder of where she really came from and to whom we give praise to daily for!
So......I love adoption! It isn't just about becoming a parent, but allowing God to write your story in a way that really only he can. It is by his hand that our lives are formed and fitted together and adoption reveals that to me more ways that I can express!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Cherished...
I have such a greater understanding of what our adoption means and how joyful it makes God to be our Father. Mike and I cherish our little girl and know that our family is now whole with her in it!!!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
God's greater plan
I remember writing this post (click here) and thinking that it would just be so much easier if God allowed us to get pregnant. At the time, I think it is still what I wanted. I was reflecting on that time this week and thinking that if God had just let me have my way, I would not be Emsley's mommy. That this little girl who I love with all my heart would not be my daughter. Sometimes we have to surrender our plans that we think are perfect to allow God to continue His work in our lives. I embraced my infertility and it was because of that, I now call myself mom to one of the cutest babies ever.
When we found out we were having a girl and really started to think about names, it was so important to us that her name be a reflection of the work God has done in our lives and the way He orchestrated this adoption. When we saw the name Emsley in a baby name book, we fell in love with its meaning. "A gift from above"...her name would always serve as a reminder of God's greater plan. The plan to bring our daughter Emsley into our lives through adoption. And ultimately, this shows us how much God loves us because He too adopted us into His family. I understand and appreciate this more than I ever could before. We are so happy with how God worked out our lives. I'm happy to have endured through infertility because of the beautiful place that Christ has brought us to.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
She's so cute it hurts!
Our friend Christina said this when she came over to visit Emsley! And boy is it true. Our little girl gets cuter every day and we fall more in love with her. We have had so many visitors and been absolutely loved on. We now know what her cues are for wanting to eat, going poo, and when she wants to be held. She has already started eating 1 more ounce of formula...our girl is growing so much. She has fuller cheeks and even stays awake without being fussy so we enjoy her beautiful eyes more.
I thought it was about time to share her birth story...
On Saturday the 16th, Amy called me at like 11:45 pm and let me know that she was headed to the hospital because she was having signs of preeclampsia (headache, blurry vision, and high blood pressure). After texting through the night and letting us know she was waiting most the night, we got a text from her at like 7 in the morning saying that they decided to admit her to the hospital and they were going to induce her. We got ready (didn't even feel rushed!) and headed to Loma Linda to watch our daughter be born.
We were at the hospital in her room for over 12 hours before the baby was born. During that time, we just hung out with her, played cards, talked, shared funny stories. All the while, Amy was having pretty regular contractions but didn't even feel them. She is the toughest woman I have ever known. It wasn't until about 6pm that she started hard labor. She was feeling the contractions and was definitely feeling this little girl moving into position. She got her epidural and her water finally broke and then the pushing started. Mike and I were able to be in the room for the birth. Mike took a place in the room that where he couldn't really see much but I got the full view. At around 11 pm, the doctors realized that the baby was sunny side up and was having a hard time coming down the canal and with each push, her heart rate was dropping. They decided that they would need to suction her out so that she didn't have any complications. Once they brought the whole team in, they let Amy do one more big push and it was at 11:59 pm that Emsley Breanne made her grand entrance into the world! They looked at the group of us with Amy and asked who would cut the cord...Amy looked at me and told me to go for it. It was such a beautiful experience getting to not only be there as my daughter was born but to also be such an important part of it as well.
They wisked Emsley over so the NICU team could look at her...her color wasn't great and was a little floppy but within a couple minutes she perked up and gave her a bath. That night feels like a blur but yet I cannot forgot the emotions and events that transpired. We took Emsley to the nursery and finally got to our own room to rest at 4:30am. It was a rough night, Emsley probably had a headache...birth is an absolutely traumatizing time for a baby. People always assume that it is hard for the mother but I saw it all from a different perspective this time. I had an emotional morning (I will write about my experience with adoption post partum another time).
On the 18th we were able to visit Amy and just hang out. She held her daughter and we just hung out. Like friends, which is exactly how I would describe our relationship with this amazing woman. After a great time with her and her mom that afternoon, we took a nap with little Emsley and came back later. We left the baby with Amy and our adoption coordinator Michelle and grabbed everyone Claim Jumper (Amy's request!) and brought it back to enjoy together. It was a celebration dinner. We gave Amy the gifts we got her...a recipe book for her culinary aspirations, some bath goodies for relaxing, and an engraved jewelry box with a bracelet. The bracelet had a heart pendant that we engraved Emsley Breanne on one side and "a gift from above" on the other (that is what Emsley means). Amy cried and hopefully she got a tiny glimpse of how much we love and appreciate her for what a gift she gave to us. Amy went around the room and shared how she was feeling and how God just has given her such a sense of peace and led her to this decision. It was AMAZING!
We left the next morning and let Amy hold her one more time and we all left the hospital together. It was so hard to leave Amy...I told her we are not saying goodbye but merely saying see you later (which now seems cliche but oh well!) We miss her often and love that. It means that God worked something absolutely beautiful in this relationship and will continue to bless it in the future.
Now Emsley is 10 days old and as of this past Monday at 5pm, Amy's rights were officially terminated and she is ours. No one will come and take her away from us. Our daughter. Wow...
I thought it was about time to share her birth story...
On Saturday the 16th, Amy called me at like 11:45 pm and let me know that she was headed to the hospital because she was having signs of preeclampsia (headache, blurry vision, and high blood pressure). After texting through the night and letting us know she was waiting most the night, we got a text from her at like 7 in the morning saying that they decided to admit her to the hospital and they were going to induce her. We got ready (didn't even feel rushed!) and headed to Loma Linda to watch our daughter be born.
We were at the hospital in her room for over 12 hours before the baby was born. During that time, we just hung out with her, played cards, talked, shared funny stories. All the while, Amy was having pretty regular contractions but didn't even feel them. She is the toughest woman I have ever known. It wasn't until about 6pm that she started hard labor. She was feeling the contractions and was definitely feeling this little girl moving into position. She got her epidural and her water finally broke and then the pushing started. Mike and I were able to be in the room for the birth. Mike took a place in the room that where he couldn't really see much but I got the full view. At around 11 pm, the doctors realized that the baby was sunny side up and was having a hard time coming down the canal and with each push, her heart rate was dropping. They decided that they would need to suction her out so that she didn't have any complications. Once they brought the whole team in, they let Amy do one more big push and it was at 11:59 pm that Emsley Breanne made her grand entrance into the world! They looked at the group of us with Amy and asked who would cut the cord...Amy looked at me and told me to go for it. It was such a beautiful experience getting to not only be there as my daughter was born but to also be such an important part of it as well.
They wisked Emsley over so the NICU team could look at her...her color wasn't great and was a little floppy but within a couple minutes she perked up and gave her a bath. That night feels like a blur but yet I cannot forgot the emotions and events that transpired. We took Emsley to the nursery and finally got to our own room to rest at 4:30am. It was a rough night, Emsley probably had a headache...birth is an absolutely traumatizing time for a baby. People always assume that it is hard for the mother but I saw it all from a different perspective this time. I had an emotional morning (I will write about my experience with adoption post partum another time).
On the 18th we were able to visit Amy and just hang out. She held her daughter and we just hung out. Like friends, which is exactly how I would describe our relationship with this amazing woman. After a great time with her and her mom that afternoon, we took a nap with little Emsley and came back later. We left the baby with Amy and our adoption coordinator Michelle and grabbed everyone Claim Jumper (Amy's request!) and brought it back to enjoy together. It was a celebration dinner. We gave Amy the gifts we got her...a recipe book for her culinary aspirations, some bath goodies for relaxing, and an engraved jewelry box with a bracelet. The bracelet had a heart pendant that we engraved Emsley Breanne on one side and "a gift from above" on the other (that is what Emsley means). Amy cried and hopefully she got a tiny glimpse of how much we love and appreciate her for what a gift she gave to us. Amy went around the room and shared how she was feeling and how God just has given her such a sense of peace and led her to this decision. It was AMAZING!
We left the next morning and let Amy hold her one more time and we all left the hospital together. It was so hard to leave Amy...I told her we are not saying goodbye but merely saying see you later (which now seems cliche but oh well!) We miss her often and love that. It means that God worked something absolutely beautiful in this relationship and will continue to bless it in the future.
Now Emsley is 10 days old and as of this past Monday at 5pm, Amy's rights were officially terminated and she is ours. No one will come and take her away from us. Our daughter. Wow...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Walking by faith
I thought this time after being matched would be easier. That we would feel joy and peace. That all the worry, doubt, fear, and anxiousness would fall away because of those beautiful three words: we are matched. But God is showing me and Mike that it is in this new waiting time that we have to trust Him even more.
I think in the last month we have taken this matched news for granted. We praise God for what He has given us, but neglected to get on our knees before Him asking for Him to guide us and continue to draw us closer to Him. It's like we have said, "Hey God, thanks for all you've done and for getting us a baby, but we've got it from here." And just thinking about that terrible attitude makes me feel so ashamed. I need my Father in all aspects of my life, not just through the obviously hard things.
This all came out because we wrote our coordinator, Michelle and didn't hear from her in almost two weeks. We wrote just to see how the birthmom was. When she wrote us, she said that she hasn't been able to get a hold of her and has left here a couple messages. In my eyes, this is not a good sign. Our fear started...is she changing her mind?? And after talking this through, I was reminded of Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." What struck me was the "lean not on your own understanding" part. I mean, that is what we have been doing. We weren't acknowledging God and trusting His way. We thought we knew what was going on with the birthmom and let it get to us. We should have given that email to the Lord and trust that whatever is going on with the birthmom and our child is totally in His hands and is already planned out perfectly in His will for our lives.
Needless to say, we gave it to God and are going to continue trusting Him. We WILL wait for our baby to be born in April. We WILL go on a vacation to spend time together in March. I WILL quit my job in March in anticipation of being a stay at home mom shortly after. Not doing any of these things is not trusting God. We want to make every decision, attitude, and feeling a leap of faith. Faith in our perfect, all-knowing, amazing God, who loves us and only does what is good and perfect according to HIS will.
I think in the last month we have taken this matched news for granted. We praise God for what He has given us, but neglected to get on our knees before Him asking for Him to guide us and continue to draw us closer to Him. It's like we have said, "Hey God, thanks for all you've done and for getting us a baby, but we've got it from here." And just thinking about that terrible attitude makes me feel so ashamed. I need my Father in all aspects of my life, not just through the obviously hard things.
This all came out because we wrote our coordinator, Michelle and didn't hear from her in almost two weeks. We wrote just to see how the birthmom was. When she wrote us, she said that she hasn't been able to get a hold of her and has left here a couple messages. In my eyes, this is not a good sign. Our fear started...is she changing her mind?? And after talking this through, I was reminded of Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." What struck me was the "lean not on your own understanding" part. I mean, that is what we have been doing. We weren't acknowledging God and trusting His way. We thought we knew what was going on with the birthmom and let it get to us. We should have given that email to the Lord and trust that whatever is going on with the birthmom and our child is totally in His hands and is already planned out perfectly in His will for our lives.
Needless to say, we gave it to God and are going to continue trusting Him. We WILL wait for our baby to be born in April. We WILL go on a vacation to spend time together in March. I WILL quit my job in March in anticipation of being a stay at home mom shortly after. Not doing any of these things is not trusting God. We want to make every decision, attitude, and feeling a leap of faith. Faith in our perfect, all-knowing, amazing God, who loves us and only does what is good and perfect according to HIS will.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Preparing for change
I know that in the past I have written about change and how I am not a fan. Yet change is what I have been preparing for for the last 3 years or so. Mike and I have been either trying to get pregnant or start our family through adoption for over 3 years now, we have been actively trying to create change. So now that we are officially going to be parents in April, we are preparing for this impending change. And sometimes I am totally freaked out about it or I am so excited that April seems forever away.
Last week, I was reading a book (which turned out to be the saddest, most deressing book ever). While reading it at 11:30 at night, I started balling my eyes out. The book was at a point where the the mom and dad had their first child and their relationship got terrible. My tears came from a fear of the change that is about to happen in our marriage. Not a bad change, and actually a change that I have been waiting for for such a long time! So in the midst of my tears, Mike woke up and comforted me and we talked about how we both desire for our marriage to always come first (after our relationship with God!). We want regular date night (with the help of our wonderful friends and family as babysitters!!), and we want to have conversations with each other and other people that don't revolve around our children or parenting. These are things we long for when we become parents.
The change that is coming for the Wise household is now totally and completely welcome. It is going to be a beautiful and precious thing. And I cannot wait to be a mommy...just had to throw that in too!
Last week, I was reading a book (which turned out to be the saddest, most deressing book ever). While reading it at 11:30 at night, I started balling my eyes out. The book was at a point where the the mom and dad had their first child and their relationship got terrible. My tears came from a fear of the change that is about to happen in our marriage. Not a bad change, and actually a change that I have been waiting for for such a long time! So in the midst of my tears, Mike woke up and comforted me and we talked about how we both desire for our marriage to always come first (after our relationship with God!). We want regular date night (with the help of our wonderful friends and family as babysitters!!), and we want to have conversations with each other and other people that don't revolve around our children or parenting. These are things we long for when we become parents.
The change that is coming for the Wise household is now totally and completely welcome. It is going to be a beautiful and precious thing. And I cannot wait to be a mommy...just had to throw that in too!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Feeling empty...
During this time of waiting, bad days are something I have grown used to, even bad weeks. When I look back to the last 3 years, I have to force myself to remember the good times and growth that have taken place. But those days that I would cry for no good reason and felt like I had the weight (or wait in our case) of the world on my shoulders, it is those days that I remember like the back of my hand. How is it that we dwell on those memories and not the times where we laughed with friends, had an amazing date with our spouse, or just had joy in our hearts?
This was a bad week for me. If you didn't catch that from the title of this post, I am drained in so many ways. It was Thanksgiving of 2007 that Mike and I started trying to have a family and it was last year around this time that Nightlight was giving us false hope about getting a baby by Christmas. This is a tough time of year for us and this week I am feeling empty. I feel like I have no more tears to cry, no more patience to wait for my baby, and my hope, well that is the thing I was lacking the most. Please don't think that I am throwing a pity party for myself here because in truth, the week had many good moments that I am choosing to remember over the moments that crushed me.
During this bad week I was emailed lyrics by my wonderful sister to a song about this emptiness and about how much God provides and deserves our praise for these moments. This song was yet another reminder in my life about how much God is still working. Whether it is in the desert, the battle, the fire, or even in the harvest, God is working out His will for my life and will use it to bring glory to His name.
It was this song that has a verse that says that even in the harvest when we are filled, he will empty us again and start over, trusting God and growing in different and beautiful ways. I am feeling empty, but my God will fill me and it will glorify God more than I can even think possible.
This is still not a great week and I am still feeling empty...but I am reminded that He WILL fill me.
Hillsong, "The Desert Song"
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
And weakness or trial or pain
There is faith proved more worth than gold
So refine me lord through the faith
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conquerer and co-heir with Christ
So fill my his promise ill stand
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
And this is my prayer in the harvest
And favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empties again
The seed I receive I will sow
(watch the YouTube video here)
This was a bad week for me. If you didn't catch that from the title of this post, I am drained in so many ways. It was Thanksgiving of 2007 that Mike and I started trying to have a family and it was last year around this time that Nightlight was giving us false hope about getting a baby by Christmas. This is a tough time of year for us and this week I am feeling empty. I feel like I have no more tears to cry, no more patience to wait for my baby, and my hope, well that is the thing I was lacking the most. Please don't think that I am throwing a pity party for myself here because in truth, the week had many good moments that I am choosing to remember over the moments that crushed me.
During this bad week I was emailed lyrics by my wonderful sister to a song about this emptiness and about how much God provides and deserves our praise for these moments. This song was yet another reminder in my life about how much God is still working. Whether it is in the desert, the battle, the fire, or even in the harvest, God is working out His will for my life and will use it to bring glory to His name.
It was this song that has a verse that says that even in the harvest when we are filled, he will empty us again and start over, trusting God and growing in different and beautiful ways. I am feeling empty, but my God will fill me and it will glorify God more than I can even think possible.
This is still not a great week and I am still feeling empty...but I am reminded that He WILL fill me.
Hillsong, "The Desert Song"
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
And weakness or trial or pain
There is faith proved more worth than gold
So refine me lord through the faith
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conquerer and co-heir with Christ
So fill my his promise ill stand
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
And this is my prayer in the harvest
And favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empties again
The seed I receive I will sow
(watch the YouTube video here)
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Finding encouragement from a 6th grader
I think I have mentioned on here that I quit my job at Biola in June and got hired part time as the Health Clerk at an elementary school here in Irvine (4 minutes from my house actually!). When I first started in September, I would come home from work and felt so unqualified for the job and wondering why God brought me to this school. I mean, I missed the amazing friends I had at Biola and I missed being in a Christian environment daily. So why would He take me away from that only to be in a job that is totally opposite. Then to be totally honest, I took it to other aspects of my life. Like why would He put Mike and I in this place in our lives. Being infertile and going through an adoption process that just seems endless. I turned to God and begged Him for hope during this time. Our Grace Group prayed for little moments where we felt encouragement that was only from Him. Not only for this time as we wait for our child to be in our arms but also with where He has taken me in life.
Jump forward a couple weeks...I am at work and a girl named Sara comes into the Health Office. I know her because she has an colostomy bag so she comes in for...well maintenance of her bag sometimes (I'm trying to not be too graphic). Monday she comes in and the bag is leaking so we call her mom to bring her a new one. Sara stays in my office till her mom comes and in the 15 minutes she is in there waiting, we start to talk. I have to say first that this girl is very mature for only being in the 6th grade...little did I know why.
I start to ask Sara why she has the bag and she tells me her story. Her family is from the Middle East and her kidneys were failing. The doctors told her parents that if they do not take her to America, she will die very quickly. Her parents moved their family to the other side of the world and landed in Los Angeles for her to be seen at the UCLA Medical Center. Sara desperately needed a kidney transplant. She told me that her mom gave her one of her kidneys so that Sara could live. By this time in the story, I was already in awe of this young woman sitting in front of me. But there was more. The kidney transplant didn't explain the bag so she said that after her transplant, she got another disease that forced her to have a colostomy bag for a period of time, in hopes that she will be able to have yet another surgery to repair her colon and intestines so they function as they should. Sara, at 11 years old, is someone I admire.
Her story moved me and she told me that she understands that her story is one that will motivate people and remind them that life is precious, no matter how hard it can get. She shared with me how she struggles with her classmates complaining about the mundane things in their lives...like "my playstation is broke" or "my stomach hurts." This girl wishes that were her biggest problem. You know when your parents say, "it could be worse"?? This is the worse they are referring to. And when Sara told me this, I kinda understood what she was feeling (in a totally different way, of course).
It's hard living a life that doesn't come easy. Where there is a lot of sickness while others are healthy, and people are having babies or getting matched in an adoption quickly while the rest of us have to wait forever. But it was Sara that showed me that we have to continue to live life and move forward. We can't dwell on how our life isn't easy but to just live. And for me that means living and trusting God more and more.
So, after my encounter with Sara, I realize why I am this school. I'm there to learn from these kids and to be there for them. The kids, staff, and teachers are starting to respect me and lean on me for support and I love being able to give that. Yes, this time in my life may not feel easy. I am sooo tired of waiting to be a mom. This time feels endless but I am exactly where God wants me...for now. Little did I know the encouragement that I (and many others) were praying for, would come from a 6th grade girl named Sara.
Jump forward a couple weeks...I am at work and a girl named Sara comes into the Health Office. I know her because she has an colostomy bag so she comes in for...well maintenance of her bag sometimes (I'm trying to not be too graphic). Monday she comes in and the bag is leaking so we call her mom to bring her a new one. Sara stays in my office till her mom comes and in the 15 minutes she is in there waiting, we start to talk. I have to say first that this girl is very mature for only being in the 6th grade...little did I know why.
I start to ask Sara why she has the bag and she tells me her story. Her family is from the Middle East and her kidneys were failing. The doctors told her parents that if they do not take her to America, she will die very quickly. Her parents moved their family to the other side of the world and landed in Los Angeles for her to be seen at the UCLA Medical Center. Sara desperately needed a kidney transplant. She told me that her mom gave her one of her kidneys so that Sara could live. By this time in the story, I was already in awe of this young woman sitting in front of me. But there was more. The kidney transplant didn't explain the bag so she said that after her transplant, she got another disease that forced her to have a colostomy bag for a period of time, in hopes that she will be able to have yet another surgery to repair her colon and intestines so they function as they should. Sara, at 11 years old, is someone I admire.
Her story moved me and she told me that she understands that her story is one that will motivate people and remind them that life is precious, no matter how hard it can get. She shared with me how she struggles with her classmates complaining about the mundane things in their lives...like "my playstation is broke" or "my stomach hurts." This girl wishes that were her biggest problem. You know when your parents say, "it could be worse"?? This is the worse they are referring to. And when Sara told me this, I kinda understood what she was feeling (in a totally different way, of course).
It's hard living a life that doesn't come easy. Where there is a lot of sickness while others are healthy, and people are having babies or getting matched in an adoption quickly while the rest of us have to wait forever. But it was Sara that showed me that we have to continue to live life and move forward. We can't dwell on how our life isn't easy but to just live. And for me that means living and trusting God more and more.
So, after my encounter with Sara, I realize why I am this school. I'm there to learn from these kids and to be there for them. The kids, staff, and teachers are starting to respect me and lean on me for support and I love being able to give that. Yes, this time in my life may not feel easy. I am sooo tired of waiting to be a mom. This time feels endless but I am exactly where God wants me...for now. Little did I know the encouragement that I (and many others) were praying for, would come from a 6th grade girl named Sara.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Fasting
I've never really fasted from anything before. I guess I never thought I had the need to. There was nothing, in my opinion, I needed to be away from in order to grow and become a better person. At least until recently.
I think I need to go back a little bit. About a year ago, I had about 15 friends who were pregnant. My struggle with infertility was tearing at my heart every minute of the day and to top it off, I had to watch their pregnancy on facebook. It was torture. So I gave it up. And I would love to tell you that I did it cold turkey and just didn't check it...but that would be a HUGE lie! My darling husband went onto my account and changed the password (and his!) so that I could not go on at all. I stayed off for a few months, and let my heart heal a little bit. It was the best time of my life. I wasn't constantly consumed with this stupid social network with my so-called "friends" or what I like to call them...my stalker subjects. And to top it off, I didn't have to constantly look at my friends bellies as their child grew inside of them or hear if it is a boy or girl. Again, it was a great time away. And when I felt I was ready, I got my password and went back to my usual facebook life.
This was ok...until recently. I'm an email and facebook junky. I love to be on it and check it and see what everyone is doing. And the weirdest thing is that I don't know if I really care that they went to the dentist and had 4 cavities filled or not (sorry friends!).
But the 2 worst things were happening because of my time spent on facebook. I ignored my husband and I ignored my God. Mike was constantly getting ignored because I would quickly grab my laptop and look at the last news from everyone...some people I actually care about pictures and stuff they post but others are people I don't even talk to anymore....my old life. But even worse was that I would choose to go on facebook so much that my time with God and in His word was almost non-existent.
This past Sunday at church and also at our small group I was challenged to think of the things that keep me from going deep with God...let alone having a regular personal time with Him. So I told Mike that I need him to change the old facebook password that he so lovingly created for me a year ago for the next 3 weeks. For 3 weeks I am with God everyday. I have been talking to Him, listening to Him, and desiring to be close to my Father. I haven't felt this passionate about God in...well I don't even know if I ever felt this way about Him. And as I read the Bible, I am reading it with different eyes. It's as if I only read it as a story and not as the truth of Christ before. And I am really asking God to change me and mold me into the woman He has always wanted me to be in these next weeks....and that if He wants me to cancel facebook, that He will give me the strength and peace to do so. I don't need it...I just need Him.
So my first fast. It is powerful and is drawing me closer to 2 very important people in my life. Mike and I have had some fun just hanging out, going for walks, and talking about God and read books to help us grow. And again, with God...my eternal Father who I have put aside for far too long.
I think I need to go back a little bit. About a year ago, I had about 15 friends who were pregnant. My struggle with infertility was tearing at my heart every minute of the day and to top it off, I had to watch their pregnancy on facebook. It was torture. So I gave it up. And I would love to tell you that I did it cold turkey and just didn't check it...but that would be a HUGE lie! My darling husband went onto my account and changed the password (and his!) so that I could not go on at all. I stayed off for a few months, and let my heart heal a little bit. It was the best time of my life. I wasn't constantly consumed with this stupid social network with my so-called "friends" or what I like to call them...my stalker subjects. And to top it off, I didn't have to constantly look at my friends bellies as their child grew inside of them or hear if it is a boy or girl. Again, it was a great time away. And when I felt I was ready, I got my password and went back to my usual facebook life.
This was ok...until recently. I'm an email and facebook junky. I love to be on it and check it and see what everyone is doing. And the weirdest thing is that I don't know if I really care that they went to the dentist and had 4 cavities filled or not (sorry friends!).
But the 2 worst things were happening because of my time spent on facebook. I ignored my husband and I ignored my God. Mike was constantly getting ignored because I would quickly grab my laptop and look at the last news from everyone...some people I actually care about pictures and stuff they post but others are people I don't even talk to anymore....my old life. But even worse was that I would choose to go on facebook so much that my time with God and in His word was almost non-existent.
This past Sunday at church and also at our small group I was challenged to think of the things that keep me from going deep with God...let alone having a regular personal time with Him. So I told Mike that I need him to change the old facebook password that he so lovingly created for me a year ago for the next 3 weeks. For 3 weeks I am with God everyday. I have been talking to Him, listening to Him, and desiring to be close to my Father. I haven't felt this passionate about God in...well I don't even know if I ever felt this way about Him. And as I read the Bible, I am reading it with different eyes. It's as if I only read it as a story and not as the truth of Christ before. And I am really asking God to change me and mold me into the woman He has always wanted me to be in these next weeks....and that if He wants me to cancel facebook, that He will give me the strength and peace to do so. I don't need it...I just need Him.
So my first fast. It is powerful and is drawing me closer to 2 very important people in my life. Mike and I have had some fun just hanging out, going for walks, and talking about God and read books to help us grow. And again, with God...my eternal Father who I have put aside for far too long.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Have Faith
I have been struggling lately. I feel like God forgot about us and in this time of doubt, a dear friend prayed with me and then reminded me of a song from our church worship CD. Its called "Have Faith" and it really touched home with me. I need this and have listened to it a bunch today. It is my prayer for my life right now and maybe it can be yours for what you are going through.
CHORUS
In trust, believe
Take hold, receive
BE BOLD! BE STRONG! HAVE FAITH!
Let go of doubt
With hope step out
BE BOLD! BE STRONG! HAVE FAITH!
Have faith when the test is long
Have faith, right will conquer wrong
Have faith, God's working out His plan
Have faith in His sovereignty
Have faith, though you cannot see
Have faith, stay the course, persevere
CHORUS
Have faith, God will vindicate
Have faith through the endless wait
Have faith, God's timing is the best
Have faith, God is very near
Have faith, don't give into fear
Have faith, stay the course, persevere
CHORUS
Hold onto the God who's holding on to you
Be strong in the grace that God is giving you
Hold onto the God who's holding on to you
Be strong in the grace that God is giving you
CHORUS
In trust, believe
Take hold, receive
BE BOLD! BE STRONG! HAVE FAITH!
Let go of doubt
With hope step out
BE BOLD! BE STRONG! HAVE FAITH!
Have faith when the test is long
Have faith, right will conquer wrong
Have faith, God's working out His plan
Have faith in His sovereignty
Have faith, though you cannot see
Have faith, stay the course, persevere
CHORUS
Have faith, God will vindicate
Have faith through the endless wait
Have faith, God's timing is the best
Have faith, God is very near
Have faith, don't give into fear
Have faith, stay the course, persevere
CHORUS
Hold onto the God who's holding on to you
Be strong in the grace that God is giving you
Hold onto the God who's holding on to you
Be strong in the grace that God is giving you
Monday, August 2, 2010
Feelings check
When I was in high school, our family went to therapy (not for anything serious) and I hated it. I always felt that I didn't need to be there and that it was stupid. Now, as I can look back on those times in that office, I appreciate the tools that therapist taught us. I even use them today with myself and my thoughts and also with Mike in our marriage...and I hope that we can use them with our children to help build strong communication.
One of the more annoying (but also super helpful) things we were expected to do was a "feelings check." That is how we would start every session I went to. Now this wasn't just saying angry or frustrated or annoyed but to really dig and say how you were feeling. This was especially helpful when our family did not want to talk or really be honest with each other.
And this morning I was having my quiet time and was in the book of Matthew 13-14. The first chapter was the parables and chapter 14 was about the death of John the Baptist and the feeding of the five thousand. For some reason, chapter 14 left me awestruck. I was reading how sad Jesus was that his friend and brother John died. He went for a walk and had time by himself...he was feeling and mourning. I actually started writing this post yesterday and when I started reading about Jesus' feelings, I was humbled to remember that He feels too. I mean, I am amazed that God feels everything we feel, when I am sad so is He, when I am happy so is He. He takes it on and even in His human years, He too was like me...feeling things. So I am realizing that Christ wants us to acknowledge our feelings because He knows how they feel in so many ways. (I'm sure this sounds confusing but it was a great thing for me to understand this morning).
So today, I am wanting to do my own feelings check. Today I am feeling joyful and anxious. On the one hand, I am just so excited for the things that lie ahead of us and what each day brings. But the human impatience of it all is almost too much! I love this stage, I really feel like God is getting my maternal instincts together and preparing me for motherhood. The joyful, anxious feelings are beyond welcomed because they bring a peace and a hope along with them.
One of the more annoying (but also super helpful) things we were expected to do was a "feelings check." That is how we would start every session I went to. Now this wasn't just saying angry or frustrated or annoyed but to really dig and say how you were feeling. This was especially helpful when our family did not want to talk or really be honest with each other.
And this morning I was having my quiet time and was in the book of Matthew 13-14. The first chapter was the parables and chapter 14 was about the death of John the Baptist and the feeding of the five thousand. For some reason, chapter 14 left me awestruck. I was reading how sad Jesus was that his friend and brother John died. He went for a walk and had time by himself...he was feeling and mourning. I actually started writing this post yesterday and when I started reading about Jesus' feelings, I was humbled to remember that He feels too. I mean, I am amazed that God feels everything we feel, when I am sad so is He, when I am happy so is He. He takes it on and even in His human years, He too was like me...feeling things. So I am realizing that Christ wants us to acknowledge our feelings because He knows how they feel in so many ways. (I'm sure this sounds confusing but it was a great thing for me to understand this morning).
So today, I am wanting to do my own feelings check. Today I am feeling joyful and anxious. On the one hand, I am just so excited for the things that lie ahead of us and what each day brings. But the human impatience of it all is almost too much! I love this stage, I really feel like God is getting my maternal instincts together and preparing me for motherhood. The joyful, anxious feelings are beyond welcomed because they bring a peace and a hope along with them.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Change is in the air!
Change is not something I particularly enjoy. I like being in my little comfort zone with the people I know and doing the things I know as well. So when things change with this zone of mine, I cringe a little. My childhood was marked with change and being adaptable---I never complained because it made life interesting. So as I entered adulthood and could make decisions for myself, I have tried to keep my zone as comfortable as possible. I went to a school where I didn't get to know a lot of people because it was huge, have worked at a job for almost 3 years even though it isn't my dream job, and so many other things.
But change in on the horizon for the Wise family. Next Friday (the 25th) is my last day at Biola. I am quitting my comfortable job to see what God has in store for us. Whether that be becoming a mom or finding a job that is closer to our South OC home. Either one is out of my zone!!!
But I am resting on Jeremiah 29:11---God knows the plans for my life and really, that is all I need in life right now!!! So change...I am welcoming you with open arms!
But change in on the horizon for the Wise family. Next Friday (the 25th) is my last day at Biola. I am quitting my comfortable job to see what God has in store for us. Whether that be becoming a mom or finding a job that is closer to our South OC home. Either one is out of my zone!!!
But I am resting on Jeremiah 29:11---God knows the plans for my life and really, that is all I need in life right now!!! So change...I am welcoming you with open arms!
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