During this time of waiting, bad days are something I have grown used to, even bad weeks. When I look back to the last 3 years, I have to force myself to remember the good times and growth that have taken place. But those days that I would cry for no good reason and felt like I had the weight (or wait in our case) of the world on my shoulders, it is those days that I remember like the back of my hand. How is it that we dwell on those memories and not the times where we laughed with friends, had an amazing date with our spouse, or just had joy in our hearts?
This was a bad week for me. If you didn't catch that from the title of this post, I am drained in so many ways. It was Thanksgiving of 2007 that Mike and I started trying to have a family and it was last year around this time that Nightlight was giving us false hope about getting a baby by Christmas. This is a tough time of year for us and this week I am feeling empty. I feel like I have no more tears to cry, no more patience to wait for my baby, and my hope, well that is the thing I was lacking the most. Please don't think that I am throwing a pity party for myself here because in truth, the week had many good moments that I am choosing to remember over the moments that crushed me.
During this bad week I was emailed lyrics by my wonderful sister to a song about this emptiness and about how much God provides and deserves our praise for these moments. This song was yet another reminder in my life about how much God is still working. Whether it is in the desert, the battle, the fire, or even in the harvest, God is working out His will for my life and will use it to bring glory to His name.
It was this song that has a verse that says that even in the harvest when we are filled, he will empty us again and start over, trusting God and growing in different and beautiful ways. I am feeling empty, but my God will fill me and it will glorify God more than I can even think possible.
This is still not a great week and I am still feeling empty...but I am reminded that He WILL fill me.
Hillsong, "The Desert Song"
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
And weakness or trial or pain
There is faith proved more worth than gold
So refine me lord through the faith
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conquerer and co-heir with Christ
So fill my his promise ill stand
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have reason to worship
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here
And this is my prayer in the harvest
And favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empties again
The seed I receive I will sow
(watch the YouTube video here)
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Finding encouragement from a 6th grader
I think I have mentioned on here that I quit my job at Biola in June and got hired part time as the Health Clerk at an elementary school here in Irvine (4 minutes from my house actually!). When I first started in September, I would come home from work and felt so unqualified for the job and wondering why God brought me to this school. I mean, I missed the amazing friends I had at Biola and I missed being in a Christian environment daily. So why would He take me away from that only to be in a job that is totally opposite. Then to be totally honest, I took it to other aspects of my life. Like why would He put Mike and I in this place in our lives. Being infertile and going through an adoption process that just seems endless. I turned to God and begged Him for hope during this time. Our Grace Group prayed for little moments where we felt encouragement that was only from Him. Not only for this time as we wait for our child to be in our arms but also with where He has taken me in life.
Jump forward a couple weeks...I am at work and a girl named Sara comes into the Health Office. I know her because she has an colostomy bag so she comes in for...well maintenance of her bag sometimes (I'm trying to not be too graphic). Monday she comes in and the bag is leaking so we call her mom to bring her a new one. Sara stays in my office till her mom comes and in the 15 minutes she is in there waiting, we start to talk. I have to say first that this girl is very mature for only being in the 6th grade...little did I know why.
I start to ask Sara why she has the bag and she tells me her story. Her family is from the Middle East and her kidneys were failing. The doctors told her parents that if they do not take her to America, she will die very quickly. Her parents moved their family to the other side of the world and landed in Los Angeles for her to be seen at the UCLA Medical Center. Sara desperately needed a kidney transplant. She told me that her mom gave her one of her kidneys so that Sara could live. By this time in the story, I was already in awe of this young woman sitting in front of me. But there was more. The kidney transplant didn't explain the bag so she said that after her transplant, she got another disease that forced her to have a colostomy bag for a period of time, in hopes that she will be able to have yet another surgery to repair her colon and intestines so they function as they should. Sara, at 11 years old, is someone I admire.
Her story moved me and she told me that she understands that her story is one that will motivate people and remind them that life is precious, no matter how hard it can get. She shared with me how she struggles with her classmates complaining about the mundane things in their lives...like "my playstation is broke" or "my stomach hurts." This girl wishes that were her biggest problem. You know when your parents say, "it could be worse"?? This is the worse they are referring to. And when Sara told me this, I kinda understood what she was feeling (in a totally different way, of course).
It's hard living a life that doesn't come easy. Where there is a lot of sickness while others are healthy, and people are having babies or getting matched in an adoption quickly while the rest of us have to wait forever. But it was Sara that showed me that we have to continue to live life and move forward. We can't dwell on how our life isn't easy but to just live. And for me that means living and trusting God more and more.
So, after my encounter with Sara, I realize why I am this school. I'm there to learn from these kids and to be there for them. The kids, staff, and teachers are starting to respect me and lean on me for support and I love being able to give that. Yes, this time in my life may not feel easy. I am sooo tired of waiting to be a mom. This time feels endless but I am exactly where God wants me...for now. Little did I know the encouragement that I (and many others) were praying for, would come from a 6th grade girl named Sara.
Jump forward a couple weeks...I am at work and a girl named Sara comes into the Health Office. I know her because she has an colostomy bag so she comes in for...well maintenance of her bag sometimes (I'm trying to not be too graphic). Monday she comes in and the bag is leaking so we call her mom to bring her a new one. Sara stays in my office till her mom comes and in the 15 minutes she is in there waiting, we start to talk. I have to say first that this girl is very mature for only being in the 6th grade...little did I know why.
I start to ask Sara why she has the bag and she tells me her story. Her family is from the Middle East and her kidneys were failing. The doctors told her parents that if they do not take her to America, she will die very quickly. Her parents moved their family to the other side of the world and landed in Los Angeles for her to be seen at the UCLA Medical Center. Sara desperately needed a kidney transplant. She told me that her mom gave her one of her kidneys so that Sara could live. By this time in the story, I was already in awe of this young woman sitting in front of me. But there was more. The kidney transplant didn't explain the bag so she said that after her transplant, she got another disease that forced her to have a colostomy bag for a period of time, in hopes that she will be able to have yet another surgery to repair her colon and intestines so they function as they should. Sara, at 11 years old, is someone I admire.
Her story moved me and she told me that she understands that her story is one that will motivate people and remind them that life is precious, no matter how hard it can get. She shared with me how she struggles with her classmates complaining about the mundane things in their lives...like "my playstation is broke" or "my stomach hurts." This girl wishes that were her biggest problem. You know when your parents say, "it could be worse"?? This is the worse they are referring to. And when Sara told me this, I kinda understood what she was feeling (in a totally different way, of course).
It's hard living a life that doesn't come easy. Where there is a lot of sickness while others are healthy, and people are having babies or getting matched in an adoption quickly while the rest of us have to wait forever. But it was Sara that showed me that we have to continue to live life and move forward. We can't dwell on how our life isn't easy but to just live. And for me that means living and trusting God more and more.
So, after my encounter with Sara, I realize why I am this school. I'm there to learn from these kids and to be there for them. The kids, staff, and teachers are starting to respect me and lean on me for support and I love being able to give that. Yes, this time in my life may not feel easy. I am sooo tired of waiting to be a mom. This time feels endless but I am exactly where God wants me...for now. Little did I know the encouragement that I (and many others) were praying for, would come from a 6th grade girl named Sara.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Adoption update
Right now I am sitting at Barnes and Noble using their free wi-fi along with every college student in the area (who are probably studying for mid-terms) and realized how old or maybe a little mature I feel. These kids are talking about girls they like, complicated math equations that make my head hurt, and the kid in their class who smokes pot. And it dawned on me that my conversations with friends include how my quiet time with the Lord is, how marriage is great, and babies. I love not being a kid anymore. I would rather talk about these things over anything else...God has blessed me with good friends and a pretty amazing life.
But I realized that for those who actually still read this silly little blog deserve an update on not just where we are in the adoption process but where are hearts are too...so this might be a long one. Bear with me.
We have officially been with Adoption Answers for 3 months now and have been shown to a few birthmothers but no one has chosen us yet. The director Michelle has encouraged us that we are not only being shown regularly but also are liked. There is just someone else that the birthmom likes better (which is okay because that was obviously not meant who we get matched with). We have been chosen as #2 (in the event that #1 can't fulfill its responsibilities...much like Miss America!!). So it could be the next birthmom who looks at our profile book that chooses Mike and Kim as her #1. We just have to have a little more patience...which we apparently have plenty of....most days!
Now this is where we are...pretty much the same place we were last time I gave an update. But with each day, week, and month, our hearts are always changing. I am constantly growing and becoming the woman God has always desired for me to be. Some days I still get sad that I still don't have a baby but for some reason, God is so loving to me...someone who is so sinful and does not deserve His love at all. But Mike and I were reminded by someone that God loves us more than we can even imagine and that all the love we feel we have for a child, His love for us is infinitely more than that. I guess I take that for granted and don't really think about how much He loves me very often.
But let me get real for a minute. All the growth and passion to know God more has been amazing and such a blessing in this time...but that isn't all that is going on in my heart. I also have had issue with being hopeful and having faith in God that He will provide us a child. Sometimes we feel like we have been traveling in a car for the longest stinkin' road trip ever and that it will just never end. I know that so many friends have encouraged us that it is in God's timing but it is so hard to feel that way when we are in the midst of the waiting and in the time where we are waiting for that perfect timing to be now. So it is in those times that I struggle to remain hopeful that we will get a baby and when I don't know if God has remembered me or whether He will really be allowing us to be parents.
Satan loves when I feel like this. He loves when I feel like I can't take it anymore and when I start to lose faith in God...but I won't let him win. I will have faith and be more hopeful because God is the thing in my life that means the most. His unconditional love is something that I want to always remember. He loved me enough to send His son to die for my sins on a cross...how could I not trust Him, especially in my weakest moments?
So right now, sad and happy are feelings I wrestle with regularly. But God gets me up every morning and reminds me that today is another day...and one of these mornings I will get up and it WILL be the day that we will get a call. I have hope and faith in my amazing, loving God!
But I realized that for those who actually still read this silly little blog deserve an update on not just where we are in the adoption process but where are hearts are too...so this might be a long one. Bear with me.
We have officially been with Adoption Answers for 3 months now and have been shown to a few birthmothers but no one has chosen us yet. The director Michelle has encouraged us that we are not only being shown regularly but also are liked. There is just someone else that the birthmom likes better (which is okay because that was obviously not meant who we get matched with). We have been chosen as #2 (in the event that #1 can't fulfill its responsibilities...much like Miss America!!). So it could be the next birthmom who looks at our profile book that chooses Mike and Kim as her #1. We just have to have a little more patience...which we apparently have plenty of....most days!
Now this is where we are...pretty much the same place we were last time I gave an update. But with each day, week, and month, our hearts are always changing. I am constantly growing and becoming the woman God has always desired for me to be. Some days I still get sad that I still don't have a baby but for some reason, God is so loving to me...someone who is so sinful and does not deserve His love at all. But Mike and I were reminded by someone that God loves us more than we can even imagine and that all the love we feel we have for a child, His love for us is infinitely more than that. I guess I take that for granted and don't really think about how much He loves me very often.
But let me get real for a minute. All the growth and passion to know God more has been amazing and such a blessing in this time...but that isn't all that is going on in my heart. I also have had issue with being hopeful and having faith in God that He will provide us a child. Sometimes we feel like we have been traveling in a car for the longest stinkin' road trip ever and that it will just never end. I know that so many friends have encouraged us that it is in God's timing but it is so hard to feel that way when we are in the midst of the waiting and in the time where we are waiting for that perfect timing to be now. So it is in those times that I struggle to remain hopeful that we will get a baby and when I don't know if God has remembered me or whether He will really be allowing us to be parents.
Satan loves when I feel like this. He loves when I feel like I can't take it anymore and when I start to lose faith in God...but I won't let him win. I will have faith and be more hopeful because God is the thing in my life that means the most. His unconditional love is something that I want to always remember. He loved me enough to send His son to die for my sins on a cross...how could I not trust Him, especially in my weakest moments?
So right now, sad and happy are feelings I wrestle with regularly. But God gets me up every morning and reminds me that today is another day...and one of these mornings I will get up and it WILL be the day that we will get a call. I have hope and faith in my amazing, loving God!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Website
The adoption group we are with, Adoption Answer, is updating their website and asked us to send a picture and a little paragraph about us. The director put up our info today and this is a link to the "waiting families" page. I hope that a birthmother is able to get a little glimpse of who we are and desire to know us more.
Our hearts are down about this whole situation lately. It feels like a never ending and hopeless situation. Our faith is being challenged daily and our need for our Lord and Savior grows by the minute. Today in church I was convicted that I have made the idea of parenthood an idol in my life. It is something that I have used as an indicator of when I will feel fulfilled in life. I guess God reminded me that it is not my being a mother or having a baby that will fill me but only by His spirit that I will ever be truly satisfied. This will take some time for me to digest and to apply to my life because I know that my heart longs to hold a child of my own but to even begin to allow myself to think that I need to let the whole idea go and put it in His hands is an extremely tough thought for me right now.
God is good but this waiting is not easy. I lean on the verse Jeremiah 29:11 these days...His plans for me are good and that is what I need to be clinging to. I just need to remind myself of this pretty much every second of the day. He is working in me and a very dear friend so lovingly reminded me of that. And I want to also be reminded of those things that He is doing in me so I can use that as encouragement during this time. The growth, the depth, and even the hopelessness that brings me to my knees....these are the things God is doing in me.
Our hearts are down about this whole situation lately. It feels like a never ending and hopeless situation. Our faith is being challenged daily and our need for our Lord and Savior grows by the minute. Today in church I was convicted that I have made the idea of parenthood an idol in my life. It is something that I have used as an indicator of when I will feel fulfilled in life. I guess God reminded me that it is not my being a mother or having a baby that will fill me but only by His spirit that I will ever be truly satisfied. This will take some time for me to digest and to apply to my life because I know that my heart longs to hold a child of my own but to even begin to allow myself to think that I need to let the whole idea go and put it in His hands is an extremely tough thought for me right now.
God is good but this waiting is not easy. I lean on the verse Jeremiah 29:11 these days...His plans for me are good and that is what I need to be clinging to. I just need to remind myself of this pretty much every second of the day. He is working in me and a very dear friend so lovingly reminded me of that. And I want to also be reminded of those things that He is doing in me so I can use that as encouragement during this time. The growth, the depth, and even the hopelessness that brings me to my knees....these are the things God is doing in me.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Quarter of a century
Today is my last day of being 24 years old. I know that most people (who are older than me) tell me that I am still so young and have a lot to experience but I have been through a lot in my 24 years, 364 days. And as I look back, I just want to simply say that I am so grateful for it all. I thank God for the ups and the downs. The happy and the sad. The fun and the terrible. It is all a part of my story of ME!
We are celebrating tomorrow at the Magic Kingdom at DisneyWorld...and it is amazing here. Weather is perfect and its like God lightened the humidity just for our vacation. I am so grateful to my husband for this time away together. As we sat over dinner tonight I was so reminded of what a great life I have.
And tomorrow as I turn 25 years old, I want to look forward to the next years to come. I hope they are just as great, fun, terrible, sad, and crazy as the last 25 have been!!
We are celebrating tomorrow at the Magic Kingdom at DisneyWorld...and it is amazing here. Weather is perfect and its like God lightened the humidity just for our vacation. I am so grateful to my husband for this time away together. As we sat over dinner tonight I was so reminded of what a great life I have.
And tomorrow as I turn 25 years old, I want to look forward to the next years to come. I hope they are just as great, fun, terrible, sad, and crazy as the last 25 have been!!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Fasting
I've never really fasted from anything before. I guess I never thought I had the need to. There was nothing, in my opinion, I needed to be away from in order to grow and become a better person. At least until recently.
I think I need to go back a little bit. About a year ago, I had about 15 friends who were pregnant. My struggle with infertility was tearing at my heart every minute of the day and to top it off, I had to watch their pregnancy on facebook. It was torture. So I gave it up. And I would love to tell you that I did it cold turkey and just didn't check it...but that would be a HUGE lie! My darling husband went onto my account and changed the password (and his!) so that I could not go on at all. I stayed off for a few months, and let my heart heal a little bit. It was the best time of my life. I wasn't constantly consumed with this stupid social network with my so-called "friends" or what I like to call them...my stalker subjects. And to top it off, I didn't have to constantly look at my friends bellies as their child grew inside of them or hear if it is a boy or girl. Again, it was a great time away. And when I felt I was ready, I got my password and went back to my usual facebook life.
This was ok...until recently. I'm an email and facebook junky. I love to be on it and check it and see what everyone is doing. And the weirdest thing is that I don't know if I really care that they went to the dentist and had 4 cavities filled or not (sorry friends!).
But the 2 worst things were happening because of my time spent on facebook. I ignored my husband and I ignored my God. Mike was constantly getting ignored because I would quickly grab my laptop and look at the last news from everyone...some people I actually care about pictures and stuff they post but others are people I don't even talk to anymore....my old life. But even worse was that I would choose to go on facebook so much that my time with God and in His word was almost non-existent.
This past Sunday at church and also at our small group I was challenged to think of the things that keep me from going deep with God...let alone having a regular personal time with Him. So I told Mike that I need him to change the old facebook password that he so lovingly created for me a year ago for the next 3 weeks. For 3 weeks I am with God everyday. I have been talking to Him, listening to Him, and desiring to be close to my Father. I haven't felt this passionate about God in...well I don't even know if I ever felt this way about Him. And as I read the Bible, I am reading it with different eyes. It's as if I only read it as a story and not as the truth of Christ before. And I am really asking God to change me and mold me into the woman He has always wanted me to be in these next weeks....and that if He wants me to cancel facebook, that He will give me the strength and peace to do so. I don't need it...I just need Him.
So my first fast. It is powerful and is drawing me closer to 2 very important people in my life. Mike and I have had some fun just hanging out, going for walks, and talking about God and read books to help us grow. And again, with God...my eternal Father who I have put aside for far too long.
I think I need to go back a little bit. About a year ago, I had about 15 friends who were pregnant. My struggle with infertility was tearing at my heart every minute of the day and to top it off, I had to watch their pregnancy on facebook. It was torture. So I gave it up. And I would love to tell you that I did it cold turkey and just didn't check it...but that would be a HUGE lie! My darling husband went onto my account and changed the password (and his!) so that I could not go on at all. I stayed off for a few months, and let my heart heal a little bit. It was the best time of my life. I wasn't constantly consumed with this stupid social network with my so-called "friends" or what I like to call them...my stalker subjects. And to top it off, I didn't have to constantly look at my friends bellies as their child grew inside of them or hear if it is a boy or girl. Again, it was a great time away. And when I felt I was ready, I got my password and went back to my usual facebook life.
This was ok...until recently. I'm an email and facebook junky. I love to be on it and check it and see what everyone is doing. And the weirdest thing is that I don't know if I really care that they went to the dentist and had 4 cavities filled or not (sorry friends!).
But the 2 worst things were happening because of my time spent on facebook. I ignored my husband and I ignored my God. Mike was constantly getting ignored because I would quickly grab my laptop and look at the last news from everyone...some people I actually care about pictures and stuff they post but others are people I don't even talk to anymore....my old life. But even worse was that I would choose to go on facebook so much that my time with God and in His word was almost non-existent.
This past Sunday at church and also at our small group I was challenged to think of the things that keep me from going deep with God...let alone having a regular personal time with Him. So I told Mike that I need him to change the old facebook password that he so lovingly created for me a year ago for the next 3 weeks. For 3 weeks I am with God everyday. I have been talking to Him, listening to Him, and desiring to be close to my Father. I haven't felt this passionate about God in...well I don't even know if I ever felt this way about Him. And as I read the Bible, I am reading it with different eyes. It's as if I only read it as a story and not as the truth of Christ before. And I am really asking God to change me and mold me into the woman He has always wanted me to be in these next weeks....and that if He wants me to cancel facebook, that He will give me the strength and peace to do so. I don't need it...I just need Him.
So my first fast. It is powerful and is drawing me closer to 2 very important people in my life. Mike and I have had some fun just hanging out, going for walks, and talking about God and read books to help us grow. And again, with God...my eternal Father who I have put aside for far too long.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Have Faith
I have been struggling lately. I feel like God forgot about us and in this time of doubt, a dear friend prayed with me and then reminded me of a song from our church worship CD. Its called "Have Faith" and it really touched home with me. I need this and have listened to it a bunch today. It is my prayer for my life right now and maybe it can be yours for what you are going through.
CHORUS
In trust, believe
Take hold, receive
BE BOLD! BE STRONG! HAVE FAITH!
Let go of doubt
With hope step out
BE BOLD! BE STRONG! HAVE FAITH!
Have faith when the test is long
Have faith, right will conquer wrong
Have faith, God's working out His plan
Have faith in His sovereignty
Have faith, though you cannot see
Have faith, stay the course, persevere
CHORUS
Have faith, God will vindicate
Have faith through the endless wait
Have faith, God's timing is the best
Have faith, God is very near
Have faith, don't give into fear
Have faith, stay the course, persevere
CHORUS
Hold onto the God who's holding on to you
Be strong in the grace that God is giving you
Hold onto the God who's holding on to you
Be strong in the grace that God is giving you
CHORUS
In trust, believe
Take hold, receive
BE BOLD! BE STRONG! HAVE FAITH!
Let go of doubt
With hope step out
BE BOLD! BE STRONG! HAVE FAITH!
Have faith when the test is long
Have faith, right will conquer wrong
Have faith, God's working out His plan
Have faith in His sovereignty
Have faith, though you cannot see
Have faith, stay the course, persevere
CHORUS
Have faith, God will vindicate
Have faith through the endless wait
Have faith, God's timing is the best
Have faith, God is very near
Have faith, don't give into fear
Have faith, stay the course, persevere
CHORUS
Hold onto the God who's holding on to you
Be strong in the grace that God is giving you
Hold onto the God who's holding on to you
Be strong in the grace that God is giving you
Friday, August 27, 2010
Love our small group!
Mike and I have been a part of a small group for a few years now and the people in that group have become like family to us. They have walked with us in great times and also in our worst times. Sunday nights have become a time we cherish. Not just for the time in the word and prayer time but for the fellowship we share over dinner every week. I have talked about them before but today I want to talk about something much more.
This past Sunday night, we had a smaller group than normal and it was pretty much amazing. Our conversation was such a blessing as we talked about how to best support and love our leaders in the church. As we started this discussion, we said that sometimes it is hard to know how to best pray for the leaders because they don't always share specific requests. Our thoughts on how to pray for the unknown lead us to the talk about how we can best be praying for each other in our group. It was this discussion that the conversation about being more in each others lives came up. And not just getting to hear the prayer requests about family, work, etc but about our hearts and walks with God. Sometimes, at least in my experience, the deep thoughts tend to not come to the surface. We don't like to look vulnerable, especially in regards to our spiritual life. I know for me, I think everyone has a better relationship with God so I don't want to share those struggles with everyone.
But this past Sunday, we went there. The group really opened up and I feel like I know and love those people more than I did the day before. As a group, we started something. Something that we can now show to those who weren't there. I'm excited to see this new desire to go deep to play out. I mean, that is what a small group is about...it isn't just about the Bible study or dinner but about being in each others lives.
This is the kind of group of people I want my children to see their parents interacting with. I want them hearing us talk about our faith. Not just the good but the bad and ugly. They should know that we are comfortable sharing this with others so that when they are ready to accept Jesus in their hearts, they know they can talk with us or their Sunday School teachers, because they saw their mom and dad doing that same thing. And as they grow in their faith, they can think back to the years we were all a part of this Grace Group and find others they can go deep with.
This is my dream for not only my friendships now for myself but the example I can now set for my children.
This past Sunday night, we had a smaller group than normal and it was pretty much amazing. Our conversation was such a blessing as we talked about how to best support and love our leaders in the church. As we started this discussion, we said that sometimes it is hard to know how to best pray for the leaders because they don't always share specific requests. Our thoughts on how to pray for the unknown lead us to the talk about how we can best be praying for each other in our group. It was this discussion that the conversation about being more in each others lives came up. And not just getting to hear the prayer requests about family, work, etc but about our hearts and walks with God. Sometimes, at least in my experience, the deep thoughts tend to not come to the surface. We don't like to look vulnerable, especially in regards to our spiritual life. I know for me, I think everyone has a better relationship with God so I don't want to share those struggles with everyone.
But this past Sunday, we went there. The group really opened up and I feel like I know and love those people more than I did the day before. As a group, we started something. Something that we can now show to those who weren't there. I'm excited to see this new desire to go deep to play out. I mean, that is what a small group is about...it isn't just about the Bible study or dinner but about being in each others lives.
This is the kind of group of people I want my children to see their parents interacting with. I want them hearing us talk about our faith. Not just the good but the bad and ugly. They should know that we are comfortable sharing this with others so that when they are ready to accept Jesus in their hearts, they know they can talk with us or their Sunday School teachers, because they saw their mom and dad doing that same thing. And as they grow in their faith, they can think back to the years we were all a part of this Grace Group and find others they can go deep with.
This is my dream for not only my friendships now for myself but the example I can now set for my children.
Friday, August 6, 2010
5 years...
It was 5 years ago today that I stood in that very spot and promised to love and cherish Mike Wise for the rest of my life. A day that I love remembering and celebrating. This year, we hit a big milestone...5 years. Feels like we were just newlyweds! I love being married to this man. This won't be a long post but I just wanted to say how much this man has changed my life. He is truly my best friend and partner in life. We have been through all the ups and downs and have come out stronger and more in love with each other. I am so blessed to be his wife. 
Monday, August 2, 2010
Feelings check
When I was in high school, our family went to therapy (not for anything serious) and I hated it. I always felt that I didn't need to be there and that it was stupid. Now, as I can look back on those times in that office, I appreciate the tools that therapist taught us. I even use them today with myself and my thoughts and also with Mike in our marriage...and I hope that we can use them with our children to help build strong communication.
One of the more annoying (but also super helpful) things we were expected to do was a "feelings check." That is how we would start every session I went to. Now this wasn't just saying angry or frustrated or annoyed but to really dig and say how you were feeling. This was especially helpful when our family did not want to talk or really be honest with each other.
And this morning I was having my quiet time and was in the book of Matthew 13-14. The first chapter was the parables and chapter 14 was about the death of John the Baptist and the feeding of the five thousand. For some reason, chapter 14 left me awestruck. I was reading how sad Jesus was that his friend and brother John died. He went for a walk and had time by himself...he was feeling and mourning. I actually started writing this post yesterday and when I started reading about Jesus' feelings, I was humbled to remember that He feels too. I mean, I am amazed that God feels everything we feel, when I am sad so is He, when I am happy so is He. He takes it on and even in His human years, He too was like me...feeling things. So I am realizing that Christ wants us to acknowledge our feelings because He knows how they feel in so many ways. (I'm sure this sounds confusing but it was a great thing for me to understand this morning).
So today, I am wanting to do my own feelings check. Today I am feeling joyful and anxious. On the one hand, I am just so excited for the things that lie ahead of us and what each day brings. But the human impatience of it all is almost too much! I love this stage, I really feel like God is getting my maternal instincts together and preparing me for motherhood. The joyful, anxious feelings are beyond welcomed because they bring a peace and a hope along with them.
One of the more annoying (but also super helpful) things we were expected to do was a "feelings check." That is how we would start every session I went to. Now this wasn't just saying angry or frustrated or annoyed but to really dig and say how you were feeling. This was especially helpful when our family did not want to talk or really be honest with each other.
And this morning I was having my quiet time and was in the book of Matthew 13-14. The first chapter was the parables and chapter 14 was about the death of John the Baptist and the feeding of the five thousand. For some reason, chapter 14 left me awestruck. I was reading how sad Jesus was that his friend and brother John died. He went for a walk and had time by himself...he was feeling and mourning. I actually started writing this post yesterday and when I started reading about Jesus' feelings, I was humbled to remember that He feels too. I mean, I am amazed that God feels everything we feel, when I am sad so is He, when I am happy so is He. He takes it on and even in His human years, He too was like me...feeling things. So I am realizing that Christ wants us to acknowledge our feelings because He knows how they feel in so many ways. (I'm sure this sounds confusing but it was a great thing for me to understand this morning).
So today, I am wanting to do my own feelings check. Today I am feeling joyful and anxious. On the one hand, I am just so excited for the things that lie ahead of us and what each day brings. But the human impatience of it all is almost too much! I love this stage, I really feel like God is getting my maternal instincts together and preparing me for motherhood. The joyful, anxious feelings are beyond welcomed because they bring a peace and a hope along with them.
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