Our year.

I don't even know where to begin in writing this post. So much has happened to our family over the last year. 

One year ago we were finishing up some upgrades to our house in hopes of getting a referral from our foster care agency. I didn't think too much about it all and was pretty happy with our family but this was the path we were on so I was going to trudge along with it. In April we got a referral for a sibling set of 3 kids, ages 4, 6, and 10. They looked like sweet kids and we said yes. No praying about it, we did talk about it and how great it would be to have older kids and not having to start over. Nothing huge and nothing built on the foundation of Christ. Of course, I didn't see it that way in the midst of it. Most of what I learned from that time was after the fact. Wait, let me get back to our referral...

In early May we met the kids at the park. We played with them and had a good time. We left that hour and went home with Emsley. Mike felt sad to have had to say goodbye. I felt relieved. Playing and interacting with 4 kids was overwhelming, especially since they were strangers and the two older were ages I didn't know how to be around (as a mom). But I pushed those feelings down and didn't take them to the Lord. In my life, when I feel scared or alone I knew I could always count on....ME. Boy did I learn how wrong that was.

5 days later the youngest boy came to live with us. It was a tough transition but it was only 1 more kid and even though I didn't attach quick, him being there was good. Emsley had someone to play with and he was a sweet guy. Not even 2 days after that, we picked up the older two and had a weekend visit at our house. The second we got back to our house I was overwhelmed. That might be under exaggerating how I felt. Mike was so happy to have a full house (he is used to chaos of 4 kids!) and I was crying in the bathroom, garage, backyard, my car, anywhere I could find privacy. I missed Emsley. I missed Mike. And the ME that I talked about being all I needed to count on, quickly wasn't cutting it.

The day the kids left from that weekend was mother's day. It was a HARD day but them leaving was relieving. Then I spent the next week dreading the next weekend long visit. I mean, I lost 8 pounds in just a week and wasn't eating or sleeping. I also wasn't praying. I mean, that should have been my indicator. Mike and I weren't doing well. He was hurt at how I was feeling and I was hurt that he couldn't see me slipping away.

The next weekend visit came and went and more anxiety, weight loss, and depression followed. Friends saw how I was affected and got involved because they were concerned. Mike and I spent a few days not talking, more for space to think and pray than to just not talk. I felt scared that we were going to divorce if I stopped this and scared that I would never recover if we went through with it. I was between a rock and a hard place. Notice, that I only went to God when I needed something specific. Not just needing to be with my God. Through the good and bad. 

After time to think and pray, we (somewhat reluctantly) decided to not move forward with placement. The little guy would move back with his foster mom that he had lived with for the last 18 months. The other kids would be told that we would not be moving forward. Everything was a mess. I hated myself and what I did to these kids, to Emsley, Mike, myself, the Lord. I mean, I thought he was calling us to do this and yet he didn't help me. And now I would have to go to church every Sunday and our adoption ministry one time a month and face our friends knowing what a failure I have become. I failed everyone. I tell people they should adopt but then can't even do it myself. I tell people to trust God in the hard times yet here I was not doing it.

The next 6 months were spent feeling distant to my own life. I felt distant from some friends because surely they hated me for what I did. For giving up on these kids. I felt distant from Mike. For so many reasons but this is a man who has a passion for the fatherless and I failed him in every way possible. But he still loved me and some days I just didn't know why. Why would anyone like me now? Why would they want to be my friend? Why would anyone ever support us if we decided to adopt again? Wouldn't we just hurt more kids? Oh and I still think most of these things, but something key has changed in my thinking.

I need God. I need him with every breath I take. I need him when times are happy and we are doing well, I need him when I feel myself falling apart and living in fear, doubt, guilt, and pain. But more importantly, he needs me to trust him. Kim Wise is not going to be able to support Kim Wise. I can only do that by trusting God to provide for us, lead us, sustain us, and love us. That may mean that I walk into hard situations. That may mean that I doubt again and struggle against my very sinful nature. But now something deep within my soul, there is an ache for Christ. There is a need to learn more about him, lean on him, pour my heart out to him, praise his name, and sit quietly before him.

So where are the Wise's now? Mike and I have forgiven each other in the ways we failed each other and asked forgiveness for God first in those areas. We have taken our desires, fears, dreams, and struggles before him and rested. We still have work to do but we are communicating better in all things and loving each other in that truth.

I know that people will still not understand how we could have done what we did. But please love us still. We are all so sinful and make bad decisions but Christ calls us to love each other and carry one another's burdens. We have learned so much in this time and I will spend my life reflecting back on May of 2015 wondering what went wrong and what I could have done better.  I came across a blogpost by a momma who had something similar happen to her when fostering. And a line really stuck with me. She said, "A scar that is there because I didn't know my limits, and I didn't ask for help when I should have." I will have a scar from that time that will live with me always and so will those 3 sweet kiddos who I am happy to say have been matched with another family ( whom I pray for regularly). But Christ can use those scars to teach us and remind us of his goodness, forgiveness, and grace. I'm not going to let this experience make me forget that I am washed white as snow by the one who loves me as the horrible, sinful, woman that I am. His mercies are new every morning and for that, I can look forward with joy in my heart and a little bit of healing each day.

The hard things

Everyone says adoption is hard. Well, yup. I mean, I knew this. I am not an idiot. But I had no idea how I would feel once we started on this road. Let me back up...

A little over a month ago we met the 3 kids we were matched with at a park for about an hour. The time was nice and there wasn't anything magical or overly stressful about it. We left and as we headed home, Mike was sad to be leaving. I on the other hand, was glad to be going home. I didn't know what feelings went along with that but that is what I felt. 5 days later, the little guy moved in and 2 days later the older two came for a whole weekend. It all felt so fast and basically from the minute we got home I didn't not feel like this was right. I felt beyond overwhelmed and found myself crying in the closet, garage, on a friends shoulder, and anywhere I could hide myself. The kids were kind and they all kinda got along well. But I just felt off.

Then it was Mother's Day and it was rough. I still was crying lots and wasn't eating much and yet when the hour was drawing near for the kids to leave, I started to feel myself relaxing. I mean, sad right?

Fast forward to the next weekend and the anxiety returned and I felt unhappy. We jumped into a world so quickly that I was unsure if this was fair to the kids. I was unkind and uncaring of them. Mike was the one interacting with them and I was the one who found herself cleaning the house like a crazy person so I could avoid playing with everyone. Even Emsley. Which was breaking my heart into about a thousand pieces. They all need a mom who can hold herself together to care for them.

Now Mike. He liked the kids and felt this would work, even if it took a while. This was hard to see.

Thank the Lord we have some good friends who saw the issue at hand and wanted to step in. We met with them on Sunday night and Mike and I said all the things we are feeling. It wasn't pretty. Things got dicey between us for a couple days. We weren't seeing eye to eye and conversation wasn't leading anywhere. So my wonderful husband said we shouldn't talk about this topic for a day or so and spend time in the Word and praying. This would be a time to see how the Lord is working in our hearts and hopefully come together with a unified decision.

After our hard talk, we decided that we will not be moving forward with the kids. Hands down, the hardest decision of our life together thus far. The guilt I feel and the grief Mike feels is immense.

Almost 2 weeks ago, the little guy moved out and returned to his last foster home. We will not be seeing the older kids anymore. This is so sad. But we pray that the Lord will be working in their lives and will give them a mom and dad that will be exactly what they need.

What does this mean for us?

First, I will be starting counseling very soon to work on some of the things going on in my heart. We will also be get together with a couple friends who will be making sure that Mike and I stay on the same page in our desires to grow our family and where and how we move forward with our adoption mindedness. We will also be taking some time to enjoy being a family of 3 and seeing how that looks again.

Ways you can be praying? (I mean, I don't think many people even read this anymore!)

Pray for our hearts as we grieve (especially Mike). Pray for Emsley as she adjusts back to our old normal. Pray for us as we process this and focus on being the best parents to our Emsley girl. Pray that God would use this time to grow us to love and rely on Him in ways that we didn't even know possible. Pray that we would be able to see the ways in which God wants us to care for the orphans (especially that we would be on the same page about that). Pray for these 3 kids. Pray for their hearts. Pray that God takes them to a home that is exactly right and that the family will teach them about the Lord.

Oh man. Adoption is hard. Life is hard and this is the evidence.

A Needed Update

I'm pretty sure that I'm the only person on the earth who reads this blog but here we go. Even if I am the only one reading it, I still want to document our family's adoption process and be able to look back and see how I was feeling at certain points in the process. So here we go.

We had our home study officially approved May of 2014 and were ready to go but after submitting our names for over 10 sibling sets we were not getting chosen for any of them. This started to become hard to take after each time they said they picked a different family. I mean, how many times can we possibly be passed up. It started to feel like maybe God was closing the door to our desire to adopt. But thank goodness God allowed us to get a new social worker who is really proactive and likes us lots. She wrote us a few weeks ago and recommended that we attend a little meeting where adoptive parents can attend and meet social workers from each of the Southern California counties and see which kids they have available. We were both so nervous and I thought this could very possibly be the most awkward thing we would ever go to. And I was partly correct.

We walked into this office and waited for our social worker to get there and then walked in and were told we could go to each table the county had and meet the social workers and any kids we were interested in we could ask questions and submit our home study whenever we want. After it was all over, we submitted our home study for 1 sibling set of 2 boys for San Bernardino county and 3 sibling sets for Riverside county (1 sib set of 2, and 2 sib sets of 3). Each set of kiddos we felt really good about and made good connections with the social workers from those counties so that is great. They said that we should hear news in about 2 weeks. Great, more waiting.

I don't do well with waiting...

One week and one day later I wrote our social worker and asked her if she has heard anything and thanked her for inviting and encouraging us to go to that little meeting. She wrote me the next day and said that she heard from Riverside county and they though one of the sib sets we submitted for would be great for us and they will meet Monday and let us know which kids. More waiting...

We found out late that Monday night that we were matched with a sibling set of 3 from Riverside county. A 10 year old girl, and 2 boys ages 6 and 4. They are amazing and gorgeous and we will be doubling our family as well as becoming a multi-ethnic family as they kids are hispanic/african american. Good thing we go to a church where families look unique around every corner!

So what is next?

This Friday at 10am, Mike and I will attend a meeting with the social worker and our social worker to discuss the kids and we can ask any questions we have about them. This meeting is called a full disclosure meeting. After this, we will give our final answer about whether we want to move forward to bring these kids home. And to be honest, it would have to take a biggie to make us say no to these 2 kids.

Ways to be praying... Oh man. Where do I begin!?!?! For peace as I have felt Satan attacking my insecurities and fears already about this. For our time as a family of 3 to be sweet. For Mike and I to connect well in the next couple weeks and months before life really changes. For all to come to light about these sweet kids at the meeting. And most importantly that we prepare ourselves to parent older kids who we want to raise to love the Lord!

Big changes for us....but so exciting!

Our girl

Yes I am aware that this blog has been unused for a very long time. But today I had an idea for a post and was super excited to write for the first time in a while. Our girl has been amazing lately. Besides the random freak outs she has as a normal almost 3 year old, she is getting out of the terrible twos and entering into the terrific threes! I can see that the light at the end of the tunnel from the last 18 month is approaching and am glad that God gave Mike and I strength to endure this.

Emsley is getting her little heart ready for welcoming siblings into our home and with that I have loved watching her heart swell with joy at the idea that other kids will be living here possibly forever. And in the adoption process we are having to adjust some of our discipling with Emsley to prepare for how we are to discipline our soon to be kids. Emsley never responded well to spanking so that was easy to drop but time outs weren't always effective either. My patience for her is strong, only by the grace of God! And with that, I have been able to take a hard situation she is going through and get down to her level and talk about how and why she is feeling upset. I think this has helped her work out her feelings and handle her frustration with me and even her friends. This has really given her and I a sweet connection and I think we are more in sync with each other too!

She is always happy and using her new founded imagination! Daddy and her play treasure hunt or we do hair salon or we are playing with her easel learning how to spell and write her name. She is so smart and happy pretty much all the time! After her "nap" (which doesn't happen everyday!) she is so happy. Everyday she gets up and asks me if I'm happy and then tells me she is happy too and we hug and kiss for a couple minutes. I mean, seriously!

They say that for girls they are rough between 2 and 3…for Emsley it was 18 months till almost 3. But they also say that after 3, they are amazing and man are they right! We love our sweet girl!

What is next???

I feel like this question has been on my mind for a while now. What is next...when will we adopt again?? I'm not sure but I know that God is stirring something in both my and Mike's hearts right now. Just like many couples who want to adopt, we have each felt at peace with moving forward with adopting in our own time. The first time, I felt like I was the one ready and Mike came along quickly after. But this time, I have been the one holding up us moving forward and from being able to answer this pressing question. There is nothing wrong with my wanting to wait. I didn't feel at peace and was being selfish with my time alone with Emsley. I have been too comfortable in our little family. God has called us to be a family who adopts children to grow our family. And I have been afraid at what it would look like the 2nd time around as opposed to our experience in bringing Emsley home. Sometimes I made any excuse I could. I want to wait till Emsley is 2, I want to own a house, I want the house to be in order, blah, blah, blah. And each time I set my own timetable, God slowly allowed each of these things to be done...and thus, my excuses and fears have run out.

So what IS next? What is going to happen for the Wise Family?

We filled out an adoption application on the website of Kinship Adoptions. For some reason, I have a wonderful mix of happy, excited, scared silly, and anxious at what lies in front of us. God has been putting on both of our hearts to adopt a child (or children) out of the foster care system. This child might be a 1 year old or it might be a 6 year old. This child might be Caucasian or African American. This child might have been a drug baby or be perfectly healthy. Seriously....I feel so out of control and yet, so in control of what God has been leading us to for SOO long.

A couple weeks ago we watched a friend's little boy and Emsley had sooo much fun. They did the typical struggle for sharing toys and all but they eventually found Emsley's musical instruments and played the xylophone and drums and were laughing and it brought such joy to our hearts watching Emsley with her friend. Imagine how much fun (I'm sure lots of tears) she will have with a permanent friend. And even better is think of how much fun (again, lots of tears) those other little children will have with Emsley and their forever family.

The better question I think right now isn't about what is next for our family but truly about what is next for the child or children that will soon be joining our family. They are falling asleep right now and have no idea that is the very near future (hopefully and prayerfully) they will be sleeping in their very own bed, with their forever mom and dad just down the hall, and a sweet little sister sleeping soundly in the room next to theirs. They will never have to be alone or not have someone to take care of them when they are sick. They will be with us no matter where the Lord takes us in life. What is next for our children is way more thrilling than what is next for us!!

I have a lot of say about fears and insecurities as we enter the world of adopting from the CA foster system but that will have to be for another time and another update!

Christmas 2012

Today we celebrated Christmas with our little family. We started the day very chill. We took our time getting ready and then made our traditional cinnamon roll breakfast and enjoyed talking to Emsley about what Christmas day is all about. We told her that Jesus was born today and how lucky we are that he was born and came to change our world forever. Daddy even read from her rhyming bible about Jesus' birth and the shepherds. Then we let Emsley run towards her gifts...daddy has put together her new kitchen and it was waiting in the living room (behind a secure baby gate!). She enjoyed that and we opened our stockings and gifts. Emsley loved each gift so much that it was kinda hard to get her to open the next gift. We made the big mistake of letting her open her gift of books first. Our beautiful child loves to just sit and read and it was hard to tear her away from those. But we each got some special gifts but for Mike and I the best part of the morning was watching Emsley explore all her new things and seeing how curious she is!

We then headed to my grandparents house to see them and my Uncle and his family (along with my parents). We enjoyed being there and Emsley was loving the attention! Then my parents headed over to our house to open gifts (they spoiled us and Emsley in such a wonderful way and our girl LOVES each gift they got her!) and ate a nice ham dinner together. It was a nice evening! Love spending such great quality time with my parents. They love Emsley to pieces and she them. Emsley took a fun bath and went to bed early and we had some restful time on our own watching a movie and talking about our amazing Christmas day. It was such a great day and they day is so much more special having a little one who just loves opening presents but who is also wanting to read and learn about the real reason for this day. We hope to have this day be a day of celebrating Jesus' birth for many years to come! We are so blessed this Christmas and continue to feel so blessed with our family and how God's hand is always a part of it. Emsley is a joy and we are so grateful to have her as our daughter!

Here are some pictures to share our day!

18 months old

Ok so I know that Emsley is actually a couple weeks past her 18 month old check up but we finally went to the Dr's today because last week mommy and Emsley had the stomach flu. Boo!

Emsley has gotten so big and her personality is even bigger! She is such a cutie...she loves to put on clothes and shoes and LOVES to read books.

Her stats as she turns 18 months old:

-Weighs 28 pounds and is in the 92nd percentile
-Is 33 1/4 inches tall and is in the 90th percentile
-Still wears size 4 diapers but she is gonna be in size 5 soon
-Her clothes sizes are weird. She wears 2T/3T shirts and 24month/2T pants
-She takes a bottle with breakfast and dinner now and loves her regular milk
-Favorite foods are banana, peas, chicken, and spaghetti
-Sleeps great and naps are about 2 1/2 hours now (LOVE!)
-Daddy handles bath time and teeth brushing at night and she loves it
-Is running everywhere and we are having so much fun chasing each other!
-Can say about 40-50 words and even recognizes lots in her books
-Waves at everyone, especially people in the cars next to us while we are driving...kinda funny!
-Has 16 teeth and we can tell her 2 year molars are shifting but she is handling it like a champ

She is a joy! Love this little girl!

Our big girl!

Our sweet little girl is growing up and everyday just gets more fun! We just took her in for her 15 month well check and she has been growing like a weed! She is 33 inches tall (off the charts) and 26.4 pounds (90th percentile). The Dr. was pleased with how well she is growing and how developed she is. Emsley also just started saying "HI" and it is pretty much the cutest 2 letter word I have every heard in my life. I absolutely CANNOT wait for her to get more and more words. This summer has been filled with trips to the water park in La Mirada called Splash with friends, many walks, lunches out, pool time, park days, and some of the longest naps ever! Such a good summer...thought I would post some cute pictures of our big girl!

Lately...

We have been keeping pretty busy! It has been way too long since I posted so I thought I would just give a little update on our lives lately. Emsley dropped her first nap and I have loved it! I was nervous that it would be hard transitioning to only having 2 hours where she is asleep but honestly it has been great. It gives us the freedom to get out and spend time together and with other people. We usually go to Target multiple times a week to just walk around, the zoo every other week, and sometimes Disneyland. We also go on a walk with friends every Thursday and another playdate usually too.

This summer, a few moms from church got passes to Splash! That is a mini Raging Waters and today was the first day we went and it was awesome!! Emsley didn't get fussy but just held on tight to me and was taking it all in. After taking a break to warm up and relax, we went back in and Emsley was back to her normal self, smiling at everyone and splashing around. It was so great! I'm looking forward to a great summer with some other moms and their kids. The women that go are amazing ladies and I love having a great community of women who are in the same place as me in life to connect and bond with.

We have a busy summer coming up as a family too! Mike still has every other Friday off so we always take advantage of that. Pool time, park, long walks, we went to the San Diego Fair last week. We plan  on going to the San Diego Zoo with Mike's aunt and uncle soon and we can't wait. Mike's birthday is in July so we will be having a fun time celebrating his 32nd birthday. We are also celebrating our 7th anniversary in Oahu, just the three of us from August 4-6 and then heading over to the Big Island to meet up with my parents and sister's family for my parent's 30th anniversary. Should be fun and we are looking forward to getting away!

Loving life right now and love our little one. She is so sweet and fun! Everyone says that things get hard when kids start to walk and climb but truthfully, things just get more fun! Well...here is a picture of Emsley...she is getting so big!

Wise Family Pictures

Our friend Sarah Stucky took our family pictures recently. They turned out great so I would share some!