I don't even know where to begin
in writing this post. So much has happened to our family over the last
year.
One year ago we were finishing up
some upgrades to our house in hopes of getting a referral from our foster care
agency. I didn't think too much about it all and was pretty happy with our
family but this was the path we were on so I was going to trudge along with it.
In April we got a referral for a sibling set of 3 kids, ages 4, 6, and 10. They
looked like sweet kids and we said yes. No praying about it, we did talk about
it and how great it would be to have older kids and not having to start over.
Nothing huge and nothing built on the foundation of Christ. Of course, I didn't
see it that way in the midst of it. Most of what I learned from that time was
after the fact. Wait, let me get back to our referral...
In early May we met the kids at
the park. We played with them and had a good time. We left that hour and went
home with Emsley. Mike felt sad to have had to say goodbye. I felt relieved.
Playing and interacting with 4 kids was overwhelming, especially since they
were strangers and the two older were ages I didn't know how to be around (as a
mom). But I pushed those feelings down and didn't take them to the Lord. In my
life, when I feel scared or alone I knew I could always count on....ME. Boy did
I learn how wrong that was.
5 days later the youngest boy
came to live with us. It was a tough transition but it was only 1 more kid and
even though I didn't attach quick, him being there was good. Emsley had someone
to play with and he was a sweet guy. Not even 2 days after that, we picked up
the older two and had a weekend visit at our house. The second we got back to
our house I was overwhelmed. That might be under exaggerating how I felt. Mike
was so happy to have a full house (he is used to chaos of 4 kids!) and I was
crying in the bathroom, garage, backyard, my car, anywhere I could find
privacy. I missed Emsley. I missed Mike. And the ME that I talked about being
all I needed to count on, quickly wasn't cutting it.
The day the kids left from that
weekend was mother's day. It was a HARD day but them leaving was relieving.
Then I spent the next week dreading the next weekend long visit. I mean, I lost
8 pounds in just a week and wasn't eating or sleeping. I also wasn't praying. I
mean, that should have been my indicator. Mike and I weren't doing well. He was
hurt at how I was feeling and I was hurt that he couldn't see me slipping away.
The next weekend visit came and
went and more anxiety, weight loss, and depression followed. Friends saw how I
was affected and got involved because they were concerned. Mike and I spent a
few days not talking, more for space to think and pray than to just not talk. I
felt scared that we were going to divorce if I stopped this and scared that I
would never recover if we went through with it. I was between a rock and a hard
place. Notice, that I only went to God when I needed something specific. Not
just needing to be with my God. Through the good and bad.
After time to think and pray, we
(somewhat reluctantly) decided to not move forward with placement. The little
guy would move back with his foster mom that he had lived with for the last 18
months. The other kids would be told that we would not be moving forward.
Everything was a mess. I hated myself and what I did to these kids, to Emsley,
Mike, myself, the Lord. I mean, I thought he was calling us to do this and yet
he didn't help me. And now I would have to go to church every Sunday and our
adoption ministry one time a month and face our friends knowing what a failure
I have become. I failed everyone. I tell people they should adopt but then
can't even do it myself. I tell people to trust God in the hard times yet here
I was not doing it.
The next 6 months were spent
feeling distant to my own life. I felt distant from some friends because surely
they hated me for what I did. For giving up on these kids. I felt distant from
Mike. For so many reasons but this is a man who has a passion for the
fatherless and I failed him in every way possible. But he still loved me and
some days I just didn't know why. Why would anyone like me now? Why would they
want to be my friend? Why would anyone ever support us if we decided to adopt
again? Wouldn't we just hurt more kids? Oh and I still think most of these
things, but something key has changed in my thinking.
I need God. I need him with every
breath I take. I need him when times are happy and we are doing well, I need
him when I feel myself falling apart and living in fear, doubt, guilt, and
pain. But more importantly, he needs me to trust him. Kim Wise is not going to
be able to support Kim Wise. I can only do that by trusting God to provide for
us, lead us, sustain us, and love us. That may mean that I walk into hard
situations. That may mean that I doubt again and struggle against my very
sinful nature. But now something deep within my soul, there is an ache for
Christ. There is a need to learn more about him, lean on him, pour my heart out
to him, praise his name, and sit quietly before him.
So where are the Wise's now? Mike
and I have forgiven each other in the ways we failed each other and asked
forgiveness for God first in those areas. We have taken our desires, fears,
dreams, and struggles before him and rested. We still have work to do but we
are communicating better in all things and loving each other in that truth.
I know that people will still not
understand how we could have done what we did. But please love us still. We are
all so sinful and make bad decisions but Christ calls us to love each other and
carry one another's burdens. We have learned so much in this time and I will
spend my life reflecting back on May of 2015 wondering what went wrong and what
I could have done better. I came across a blogpost by a momma who had
something similar happen to her when fostering. And a line really stuck with
me. She said, "A scar that is there because I didn't know my limits, and I
didn't ask for help when I should have." I will have a scar from that time
that will live with me always and so will those 3 sweet kiddos who I am happy
to say have been matched with another family ( whom I pray for regularly). But
Christ can use those scars to teach us and remind us of his goodness,
forgiveness, and grace. I'm not going to let this experience make me forget
that I am washed white as snow by the one who loves me as the horrible, sinful,
woman that I am. His mercies are new every morning and for that, I can look
forward with joy in my heart and a little bit of healing each day.
