Yep, this pretty much sums up where we are. Fundraising and waiting. The waiting part I feel pretty good about. I have been here and know that God's timing is best and it will happen at just the exact moment He wants it to. I remember writing this post and thinking that becoming a mom would NEVER happen. That we would just be that family that waits indefinitely. Oh man, I'm so glad that God knows better than me! But looking back on my feelings on impatience it gets me asking myself am I being impatient? I mean, I really want a second child and cannot wait to hold my baby in my arms and have my other baby sitting right next to me asking to hold her brother or sister.
But the answer is no. I'm not being impatient. I'm feeling really at peace with where we are in this process. Like I said, I have experienced the perfect timing of the Lord's will and know that He will do that again. And when we are finally a family of 4, I will look back on the timing and know exactly the reason why we had all these years to wait. It was because I was supposed to be the mom of that specific child. Just like I felt with Emsley. I had to be her mom. No one else's.
Now the fundraising. This isn't my favorite. I have a hard time asking for help. There are people in the world and even in our community who have greater needs than ours. But here we are, asking others to help us. It is humbling to see people drop off shoes, clothes, and know that they are doing this to help us. They are taking time to sort through their stuff and help us. People are emailing their friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, just to help us fundraise what we need to bring baby #2 home!
So thank you to those who have helped and gone above and beyond to help us with this. We have the best community and without you all we would be so lost and lonely. Life is richer because of those who are around us.
And because people have been asking, the items we are collecting are:
SHOES, SHOES, AND MORE SHOES!
Also, clothing, bedding, towels, soft goods. Bags and bags of it. We will be donating to savers so instead of taking it there yourselves, let us take it off your hands!
Drop off anytime (afternoons are when I'm actually home) but you can totally just pile it up outside my front door!
So get collecting people! And thanks for making the fundraising and waiting time amazing and rich!
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Where have we been...
Its been a while. Like 5 months. So just where have the Wise's been lately. This is a condensed version of it but here we go...
Back in September we were asked by a family member to consider a placement of a cousin's daughters, ages 3 and 4. They were currently in foster care and looking for family if it came to adoption. This was a hard decision for our family, especially considering everything that happened the last time we were in this situation. We spent a couple weeks praying about it and ultimately we both felt that the Lord was saying yes. So we have spent the last few months talking with social workers and keeping up to date with the girls case. It is a sad story that I don't want to share on this page.
As of right now we don't have any idea where the case is. We hope to get some idea this week of whether the girls will be returning to their mom or if we will be getting involved in their sweet little lives. Our home is open to them no matter what we find out this week. The Lord put the yes in our hearts and we already care about them very much and that can't be for nothing. We are continuing to pray for them and their mom no matter the outcome.
But we have put our life on hold enough. This week we will be submitting our paperwork, profile books, and check to start our domestic adoption. We are soo excited for this chapter and can't wait to hold our sweet baby in our arms. Emsley will be an amazing big sister. She doesn't know about this other situation but is so excited for a baby to join us.
So be praying for our family as we enter this next phase of our lives. Pray for God's provision of funds, peace as we move forward with this but keep our home open to these little girls, and for joy to abound for this next chapter. And as always we pray for our future child's birthparents. What they are about to do is a HUGE choice of love. Pray for peace as they walk this road and support from those around them.
Thanks for waiting patiently with us and we promise to keep you all updated on the growth of our little wise family!
Back in September we were asked by a family member to consider a placement of a cousin's daughters, ages 3 and 4. They were currently in foster care and looking for family if it came to adoption. This was a hard decision for our family, especially considering everything that happened the last time we were in this situation. We spent a couple weeks praying about it and ultimately we both felt that the Lord was saying yes. So we have spent the last few months talking with social workers and keeping up to date with the girls case. It is a sad story that I don't want to share on this page.
As of right now we don't have any idea where the case is. We hope to get some idea this week of whether the girls will be returning to their mom or if we will be getting involved in their sweet little lives. Our home is open to them no matter what we find out this week. The Lord put the yes in our hearts and we already care about them very much and that can't be for nothing. We are continuing to pray for them and their mom no matter the outcome.
But we have put our life on hold enough. This week we will be submitting our paperwork, profile books, and check to start our domestic adoption. We are soo excited for this chapter and can't wait to hold our sweet baby in our arms. Emsley will be an amazing big sister. She doesn't know about this other situation but is so excited for a baby to join us.
So be praying for our family as we enter this next phase of our lives. Pray for God's provision of funds, peace as we move forward with this but keep our home open to these little girls, and for joy to abound for this next chapter. And as always we pray for our future child's birthparents. What they are about to do is a HUGE choice of love. Pray for peace as they walk this road and support from those around them.
Thanks for waiting patiently with us and we promise to keep you all updated on the growth of our little wise family!
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
I mean, honestly....
Sometimes I struggle to see God providing. We have watched so many friends adopt and God does something amazing and it makes it clear they are on the right path. I mean, sometimes we have little things but nothing major where it is so clearly the Lord. That was, until last Saturday...
We had our garage sale. I was so tired because Mike had foot surgery Friday and I was doing all the organizing on Friday. I even slept in my car the night before because I didn't want to have to put it all back to just bring it out the next morning. I'm a little lazy. I woke up at 5am, got showered and dressed. Ran to grab coffee and donuts and started working. 6am, our first friends arrive. I mean, 6 am on a Saturday. By 7:30 we had a TON of our amazing friends there to help. Things got rolling and my parents came to help and the yard sale people were out in full swing with pockets full of singles!
Our friend Tricia kept giving us a count update on the cash....our first count after only a few hours was almost $1100.....WHAT?!?!? We could have packed it up and been done I was so happy with that amount. My goal was $800...Mike's was $1250. We were already over mine and almost to his!
At 3pm the amount was well over $2000 and we still had people coming. After wrapping up and having my parents and a few friends load up to drop the rest off at savers, we counted and the amount was also $2400!!! I mean, honestly! I don't even know how that happened! We had a lot of stuff but that amount just seems insane for a garage sale.
But nothing is too big for God!
So what now? We needed $8200 to start getting matched with a birth mom and after the sale and the little bit we have in our bank account, we are almost half way there! And in a couple weeks we should hear from the adoption grant we applied for and are praying that God provides just the right amount for us to move forward with getting matched!
I mean, honestly....God is good and is making it so clear that our pursuit of this adoption is what he wants for us. Praise the Lord for providing friends and family who are willing to help and the generosity of so many to give things to sell. So many to thank.
We had our garage sale. I was so tired because Mike had foot surgery Friday and I was doing all the organizing on Friday. I even slept in my car the night before because I didn't want to have to put it all back to just bring it out the next morning. I'm a little lazy. I woke up at 5am, got showered and dressed. Ran to grab coffee and donuts and started working. 6am, our first friends arrive. I mean, 6 am on a Saturday. By 7:30 we had a TON of our amazing friends there to help. Things got rolling and my parents came to help and the yard sale people were out in full swing with pockets full of singles!
Our friend Tricia kept giving us a count update on the cash....our first count after only a few hours was almost $1100.....WHAT?!?!? We could have packed it up and been done I was so happy with that amount. My goal was $800...Mike's was $1250. We were already over mine and almost to his!
At 3pm the amount was well over $2000 and we still had people coming. After wrapping up and having my parents and a few friends load up to drop the rest off at savers, we counted and the amount was also $2400!!! I mean, honestly! I don't even know how that happened! We had a lot of stuff but that amount just seems insane for a garage sale.
But nothing is too big for God!
So what now? We needed $8200 to start getting matched with a birth mom and after the sale and the little bit we have in our bank account, we are almost half way there! And in a couple weeks we should hear from the adoption grant we applied for and are praying that God provides just the right amount for us to move forward with getting matched!
I mean, honestly....God is good and is making it so clear that our pursuit of this adoption is what he wants for us. Praise the Lord for providing friends and family who are willing to help and the generosity of so many to give things to sell. So many to thank.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Am I nervous to adopt again?
Yes. I could sugar coat this but yes I'm nervous. I have so many fears that I will mess up again or that I will let fear grip me in ways in which make it so I can hardly breathe. I'm scared that I will hurt our family or disappoint those watching us do this.
So why are we doing this? And how am I coping and managing the fear?
We are adopting again for so many reasons. We want to grow our family and adoption is the way we do that. We want to follow God's leading, no matter the fear. After what happened last year, I don't want fear to grip me and hold me back from doing the things that He desires for my life and our family. And we feel like pursuing another domestic adoption is where God has us. I have a heart for the birth moms who choose life and choose adoption for their child. This is a selfless act of love that I feel honored to have witnessed firsthand over 5 years ago. Getting to experience this again and to support, love, and respect another amazing woman in this process is moving and such a joy and blessing.
Right now there are verses I am meditating on and my amazing husband is pointing me to Christ so often in those moments. These are huge helps on processing the fear.
Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."
James 1:2-4 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
I mean, I could pick all of James. But these verses stand out to me in James because I believe that God wants to show me that He will work in my life through the good and the bad times. He will draw me closer to Him, giving me all I need. This is a concept I have struggled with pretty much all my life. Trusting Him and he will not only take care of me but he will also draw me closer to him in the process. This used to feel like an unimaginable concept to me. But I'm getting it so much more. Only through God can I put all my fears and he will give me everything I need to continue moving forward.
And lastly, I'm talking about my fears more. I'm being honest with Mike, friends and our amazing grace group. I'm thinking ahead what I might feel as we move forward with a match or a baby being born. And truthfully, my having a heart for birth moms tends to produce some guilt on my part and I'm nervous about that feeling again. When Emsley was born, I felt guilty for taking her away from her birth mom. It affected my immediate attachment. But this time around, I know I might feel that way again but I know what those feelings are and can process them so much better. And if you haven't met Michelle Dettman from Adoption Center of Hope (our coordinator for both Emlsey's adoption and this one!) you will know that this woman loves these birth moms and helps them process well. She knows my heart and walked through life with us all those years ago.
Having a great support system is key this time around. I have friends asking us how we are doing. Pointing us to Christ. Reminding us we aren't alone. This is vital to conquer the fear. God calls us to not only cast our anxieties on him but to also carry each others. I'm seeing how essential this is for my life. To allow others to walk through something that I'm nervous about and let them pray with us and speak God's truth in our lives. I realized I can't just live a life of comfort and do all the easy things. God wants us to be challenged and through those moments is where we learn to lean on Him in the most necessary ways.
So yes, I'm nervous but I trust that God has us in this place for a reason.
So why are we doing this? And how am I coping and managing the fear?
We are adopting again for so many reasons. We want to grow our family and adoption is the way we do that. We want to follow God's leading, no matter the fear. After what happened last year, I don't want fear to grip me and hold me back from doing the things that He desires for my life and our family. And we feel like pursuing another domestic adoption is where God has us. I have a heart for the birth moms who choose life and choose adoption for their child. This is a selfless act of love that I feel honored to have witnessed firsthand over 5 years ago. Getting to experience this again and to support, love, and respect another amazing woman in this process is moving and such a joy and blessing.
Right now there are verses I am meditating on and my amazing husband is pointing me to Christ so often in those moments. These are huge helps on processing the fear.
Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."
James 1:2-4 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
I mean, I could pick all of James. But these verses stand out to me in James because I believe that God wants to show me that He will work in my life through the good and the bad times. He will draw me closer to Him, giving me all I need. This is a concept I have struggled with pretty much all my life. Trusting Him and he will not only take care of me but he will also draw me closer to him in the process. This used to feel like an unimaginable concept to me. But I'm getting it so much more. Only through God can I put all my fears and he will give me everything I need to continue moving forward.
And lastly, I'm talking about my fears more. I'm being honest with Mike, friends and our amazing grace group. I'm thinking ahead what I might feel as we move forward with a match or a baby being born. And truthfully, my having a heart for birth moms tends to produce some guilt on my part and I'm nervous about that feeling again. When Emsley was born, I felt guilty for taking her away from her birth mom. It affected my immediate attachment. But this time around, I know I might feel that way again but I know what those feelings are and can process them so much better. And if you haven't met Michelle Dettman from Adoption Center of Hope (our coordinator for both Emlsey's adoption and this one!) you will know that this woman loves these birth moms and helps them process well. She knows my heart and walked through life with us all those years ago.
Having a great support system is key this time around. I have friends asking us how we are doing. Pointing us to Christ. Reminding us we aren't alone. This is vital to conquer the fear. God calls us to not only cast our anxieties on him but to also carry each others. I'm seeing how essential this is for my life. To allow others to walk through something that I'm nervous about and let them pray with us and speak God's truth in our lives. I realized I can't just live a life of comfort and do all the easy things. God wants us to be challenged and through those moments is where we learn to lean on Him in the most necessary ways.
So yes, I'm nervous but I trust that God has us in this place for a reason.
Monday, August 1, 2016
To my kindergartner...
In just a couple very short weeks you start a new and exciting journey. It feels like just yesterday we brought you home from the hospital and you needed me to change you, feed you, entertain you, and help you learn about the world. Now you are heading off to kindergarten and you sweet girl, are ready and already do those things all by yourself.
I love watching you learn new things and teaching yourself how to ride a two wheeler, tie your shoes, snap, whistle, and even swim. You are so determined and focused in all you put your mind to. It is such a joy to watch your sweet personality bloom and yet sad to see all the ways in which you don't need me to help you. When did you grow up to be such a big girl? This new chapter of your life seems like a huge step. School will now be a part of your life till you are a grown up. Learning and developing friendships in school will now just be part of your normal.
I'm going to miss so many things about the last 5 years we have had together. I'm going to miss waking up in the morning and just sitting together eating breakfast and having no where to be but with each other. I'm going to miss reading to you the same favorite books over and over again. I'm going to miss the days when we have no plans and end up running errands or drive around on a special adventure together. You are my favorite person to be with and do lots and do nothing with. But these things aren't completely gone. We can still have these special times together after school. We can still have special mommy/Emsley afternoons just being together.
But as sad as I may feel to let you grow up, oh Emsley, you are so ready. I want to be strong for you so you go into that first day with confidence and no fear. That you walk in and show what an amazingly strong, beautiful, kind, and intelligent little girl you are. I will hold so many tears back, as I'm doing right now just typing this out. But know that I am so happy for you and for the wonderful things you will learn and memories you will make.
There will be days baby that will be hard. Kids might be mean to you and you will hear and learn things that I wish I could shelter you from forever. But I don't want to hide you from the world but let you learn about it on your own and then come home and talk to me about it. And if school is hard, ask for help and try your best. Your daddy and I are here to help you as much as we can. And never forget that in your life, we will always be cheering you on for success. Don't let the struggles in school bring you down but let it light a fire in you to try harder and to strive for greatness.
I want you to walk into that class at your new school and show the sweet and amazingly huge heart you have. I have loved seeing you care for others and hate when bad things happen to you or your friends. Keep that big heart girl. Go to school each day finding ways to love others well. Show them the love that Jesus has shown you. Be the light in a dark world. When others tear down, find ways to build others up. This won't be easy but trust that this is how the Lord desires your heart to be.
Each day when you come home, know that home is safe and a hug and a cookie are waiting for you. So here we go Emsley Bee. Off to this big adventure. My girl is going to be great and I am so blessed to be able to watch you as you jump head first.
I love you with all my heart sweetheart.
Love, Mommy
You and daddy walking around Stanford. Maybe in 13 years we will be dropping you off there for college. Oh man.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Baby steps
I feel like this is the only way to describe how our family will be growing...in baby steps. We have some great friends who wanted to get together with us to talk about our family. We went over one night and they asked the hard questions: do we BOTH want more kids? do we BOTH want to adopt a baby or do foster care? And then some....but it was so good for us to be thinking these things through. And what came of that time was that Mike just wants at least one more kid (or 20 if he has his say!) and I want the process to be as close to what we would have experienced if we got pregnant. The process is important for me and the growth is important to Mike. That is something we never realized. I mean, I think having gone through infertility it has definitely made me sad that we didn't get to grow our family organically. We didn't get to get pregnant, wait 9 months, meet our baby, then wait a couple years and start the process over. Our process just isn't that easy. We have to save us for adoption fees, fill out a terrible amount of paperwork, get poked and prodded, scanned and tested, then make a profile book, hope a birth mom chooses us, then after a possibly awkward meeting with birth mom, we might get matched and wait till baby is born. Then there is more waiting to see if birth mom doesn't change her mind, then more meetings, and paperwork while we wait for a finalization court date. I mean, I'm tired just typing that out!
So my desire to at least imitate parts of the natural process is important. Even with the money, paperwork, and waiting, the baby part is something I love. I miss Emsley being a baby. Every once in a while I will look at my almost 5 year old girl and feel sad that time is going so fast. She is going to be in Kindergarten soon and yet it feels like just yesterday she was dancing in her diapers with me!
I want to have at least one more kid, to give Emsley a little brother or sister. I can't think beyond one more. It is too much for me! But I love when I see Emsley with babies and loves them so much. She will be a wonderful big sister. So right now, the Wises are filling out paperwork and finishing up our profile book to get our home study going. We have no money but a lot of faith that God provides. And he does and already has! Someone left us a large anonymous check at our house one day and it just reminded us that God is here. This process could take a while, and it doesn't help that we are both working, have a sweet girl who needs and wants our attention, and a life of house stuff, colds, friends to spend time with, and church things going on. But we will get it done and hopefully have more updates.
I still get nervous of whether I can love more than just Emsley but those fears are not of the Lord. I know unconditional love from no one else but Him and plan to show that to my daughter and any other children God decides to bring into our family.
So for now, pray for us that we get our butts in gear and for the birth mom that could be pregnant right now with our child. That God would minister to her heart in a big way and prepare us to love her as well. This is the part of adoption I love. The relationship that God allows to happen with this woman who will forever be in our hearts.
So my desire to at least imitate parts of the natural process is important. Even with the money, paperwork, and waiting, the baby part is something I love. I miss Emsley being a baby. Every once in a while I will look at my almost 5 year old girl and feel sad that time is going so fast. She is going to be in Kindergarten soon and yet it feels like just yesterday she was dancing in her diapers with me!
I want to have at least one more kid, to give Emsley a little brother or sister. I can't think beyond one more. It is too much for me! But I love when I see Emsley with babies and loves them so much. She will be a wonderful big sister. So right now, the Wises are filling out paperwork and finishing up our profile book to get our home study going. We have no money but a lot of faith that God provides. And he does and already has! Someone left us a large anonymous check at our house one day and it just reminded us that God is here. This process could take a while, and it doesn't help that we are both working, have a sweet girl who needs and wants our attention, and a life of house stuff, colds, friends to spend time with, and church things going on. But we will get it done and hopefully have more updates.
I still get nervous of whether I can love more than just Emsley but those fears are not of the Lord. I know unconditional love from no one else but Him and plan to show that to my daughter and any other children God decides to bring into our family.
So for now, pray for us that we get our butts in gear and for the birth mom that could be pregnant right now with our child. That God would minister to her heart in a big way and prepare us to love her as well. This is the part of adoption I love. The relationship that God allows to happen with this woman who will forever be in our hearts.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Our year.
I don't even know where to begin
in writing this post. So much has happened to our family over the last
year.
One year ago we were finishing up
some upgrades to our house in hopes of getting a referral from our foster care
agency. I didn't think too much about it all and was pretty happy with our
family but this was the path we were on so I was going to trudge along with it.
In April we got a referral for a sibling set of 3 kids, ages 4, 6, and 10. They
looked like sweet kids and we said yes. No praying about it, we did talk about
it and how great it would be to have older kids and not having to start over.
Nothing huge and nothing built on the foundation of Christ. Of course, I didn't
see it that way in the midst of it. Most of what I learned from that time was
after the fact. Wait, let me get back to our referral...
In early May we met the kids at
the park. We played with them and had a good time. We left that hour and went
home with Emsley. Mike felt sad to have had to say goodbye. I felt relieved.
Playing and interacting with 4 kids was overwhelming, especially since they
were strangers and the two older were ages I didn't know how to be around (as a
mom). But I pushed those feelings down and didn't take them to the Lord. In my
life, when I feel scared or alone I knew I could always count on....ME. Boy did
I learn how wrong that was.
5 days later the youngest boy
came to live with us. It was a tough transition but it was only 1 more kid and
even though I didn't attach quick, him being there was good. Emsley had someone
to play with and he was a sweet guy. Not even 2 days after that, we picked up
the older two and had a weekend visit at our house. The second we got back to
our house I was overwhelmed. That might be under exaggerating how I felt. Mike
was so happy to have a full house (he is used to chaos of 4 kids!) and I was
crying in the bathroom, garage, backyard, my car, anywhere I could find
privacy. I missed Emsley. I missed Mike. And the ME that I talked about being
all I needed to count on, quickly wasn't cutting it.
The day the kids left from that
weekend was mother's day. It was a HARD day but them leaving was relieving.
Then I spent the next week dreading the next weekend long visit. I mean, I lost
8 pounds in just a week and wasn't eating or sleeping. I also wasn't praying. I
mean, that should have been my indicator. Mike and I weren't doing well. He was
hurt at how I was feeling and I was hurt that he couldn't see me slipping away.
The next weekend visit came and
went and more anxiety, weight loss, and depression followed. Friends saw how I
was affected and got involved because they were concerned. Mike and I spent a
few days not talking, more for space to think and pray than to just not talk. I
felt scared that we were going to divorce if I stopped this and scared that I
would never recover if we went through with it. I was between a rock and a hard
place. Notice, that I only went to God when I needed something specific. Not
just needing to be with my God. Through the good and bad.
After time to think and pray, we
(somewhat reluctantly) decided to not move forward with placement. The little
guy would move back with his foster mom that he had lived with for the last 18
months. The other kids would be told that we would not be moving forward.
Everything was a mess. I hated myself and what I did to these kids, to Emsley,
Mike, myself, the Lord. I mean, I thought he was calling us to do this and yet
he didn't help me. And now I would have to go to church every Sunday and our
adoption ministry one time a month and face our friends knowing what a failure
I have become. I failed everyone. I tell people they should adopt but then
can't even do it myself. I tell people to trust God in the hard times yet here
I was not doing it.
The next 6 months were spent
feeling distant to my own life. I felt distant from some friends because surely
they hated me for what I did. For giving up on these kids. I felt distant from
Mike. For so many reasons but this is a man who has a passion for the
fatherless and I failed him in every way possible. But he still loved me and
some days I just didn't know why. Why would anyone like me now? Why would they
want to be my friend? Why would anyone ever support us if we decided to adopt
again? Wouldn't we just hurt more kids? Oh and I still think most of these
things, but something key has changed in my thinking.
I need God. I need him with every
breath I take. I need him when times are happy and we are doing well, I need
him when I feel myself falling apart and living in fear, doubt, guilt, and
pain. But more importantly, he needs me to trust him. Kim Wise is not going to
be able to support Kim Wise. I can only do that by trusting God to provide for
us, lead us, sustain us, and love us. That may mean that I walk into hard
situations. That may mean that I doubt again and struggle against my very
sinful nature. But now something deep within my soul, there is an ache for
Christ. There is a need to learn more about him, lean on him, pour my heart out
to him, praise his name, and sit quietly before him.
So where are the Wise's now? Mike
and I have forgiven each other in the ways we failed each other and asked
forgiveness for God first in those areas. We have taken our desires, fears,
dreams, and struggles before him and rested. We still have work to do but we
are communicating better in all things and loving each other in that truth.
I know that people will still not
understand how we could have done what we did. But please love us still. We are
all so sinful and make bad decisions but Christ calls us to love each other and
carry one another's burdens. We have learned so much in this time and I will
spend my life reflecting back on May of 2015 wondering what went wrong and what
I could have done better. I came across a blogpost by a momma who had
something similar happen to her when fostering. And a line really stuck with
me. She said, "A scar that is there because I didn't know my limits, and I
didn't ask for help when I should have." I will have a scar from that time
that will live with me always and so will those 3 sweet kiddos who I am happy
to say have been matched with another family ( whom I pray for regularly). But
Christ can use those scars to teach us and remind us of his goodness,
forgiveness, and grace. I'm not going to let this experience make me forget
that I am washed white as snow by the one who loves me as the horrible, sinful,
woman that I am. His mercies are new every morning and for that, I can look
forward with joy in my heart and a little bit of healing each day.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
The hard things
Everyone says adoption is hard. Well, yup. I mean, I knew this. I am not an idiot. But I had no idea how I would feel once we started on this road. Let me back up...
A little over a month ago we met the 3 kids we were matched with at a park for about an hour. The time was nice and there wasn't anything magical or overly stressful about it. We left and as we headed home, Mike was sad to be leaving. I on the other hand, was glad to be going home. I didn't know what feelings went along with that but that is what I felt. 5 days later, the little guy moved in and 2 days later the older two came for a whole weekend. It all felt so fast and basically from the minute we got home I didn't not feel like this was right. I felt beyond overwhelmed and found myself crying in the closet, garage, on a friends shoulder, and anywhere I could hide myself. The kids were kind and they all kinda got along well. But I just felt off.
Then it was Mother's Day and it was rough. I still was crying lots and wasn't eating much and yet when the hour was drawing near for the kids to leave, I started to feel myself relaxing. I mean, sad right?
Fast forward to the next weekend and the anxiety returned and I felt unhappy. We jumped into a world so quickly that I was unsure if this was fair to the kids. I was unkind and uncaring of them. Mike was the one interacting with them and I was the one who found herself cleaning the house like a crazy person so I could avoid playing with everyone. Even Emsley. Which was breaking my heart into about a thousand pieces. They all need a mom who can hold herself together to care for them.
Now Mike. He liked the kids and felt this would work, even if it took a while. This was hard to see.
Thank the Lord we have some good friends who saw the issue at hand and wanted to step in. We met with them on Sunday night and Mike and I said all the things we are feeling. It wasn't pretty. Things got dicey between us for a couple days. We weren't seeing eye to eye and conversation wasn't leading anywhere. So my wonderful husband said we shouldn't talk about this topic for a day or so and spend time in the Word and praying. This would be a time to see how the Lord is working in our hearts and hopefully come together with a unified decision.
After our hard talk, we decided that we will not be moving forward with the kids. Hands down, the hardest decision of our life together thus far. The guilt I feel and the grief Mike feels is immense.
Almost 2 weeks ago, the little guy moved out and returned to his last foster home. We will not be seeing the older kids anymore. This is so sad. But we pray that the Lord will be working in their lives and will give them a mom and dad that will be exactly what they need.
What does this mean for us?
First, I will be starting counseling very soon to work on some of the things going on in my heart. We will also be get together with a couple friends who will be making sure that Mike and I stay on the same page in our desires to grow our family and where and how we move forward with our adoption mindedness. We will also be taking some time to enjoy being a family of 3 and seeing how that looks again.
Ways you can be praying? (I mean, I don't think many people even read this anymore!)
Pray for our hearts as we grieve (especially Mike). Pray for Emsley as she adjusts back to our old normal. Pray for us as we process this and focus on being the best parents to our Emsley girl. Pray that God would use this time to grow us to love and rely on Him in ways that we didn't even know possible. Pray that we would be able to see the ways in which God wants us to care for the orphans (especially that we would be on the same page about that). Pray for these 3 kids. Pray for their hearts. Pray that God takes them to a home that is exactly right and that the family will teach them about the Lord.
Oh man. Adoption is hard. Life is hard and this is the evidence.
A little over a month ago we met the 3 kids we were matched with at a park for about an hour. The time was nice and there wasn't anything magical or overly stressful about it. We left and as we headed home, Mike was sad to be leaving. I on the other hand, was glad to be going home. I didn't know what feelings went along with that but that is what I felt. 5 days later, the little guy moved in and 2 days later the older two came for a whole weekend. It all felt so fast and basically from the minute we got home I didn't not feel like this was right. I felt beyond overwhelmed and found myself crying in the closet, garage, on a friends shoulder, and anywhere I could hide myself. The kids were kind and they all kinda got along well. But I just felt off.
Then it was Mother's Day and it was rough. I still was crying lots and wasn't eating much and yet when the hour was drawing near for the kids to leave, I started to feel myself relaxing. I mean, sad right?
Fast forward to the next weekend and the anxiety returned and I felt unhappy. We jumped into a world so quickly that I was unsure if this was fair to the kids. I was unkind and uncaring of them. Mike was the one interacting with them and I was the one who found herself cleaning the house like a crazy person so I could avoid playing with everyone. Even Emsley. Which was breaking my heart into about a thousand pieces. They all need a mom who can hold herself together to care for them.
Now Mike. He liked the kids and felt this would work, even if it took a while. This was hard to see.
Thank the Lord we have some good friends who saw the issue at hand and wanted to step in. We met with them on Sunday night and Mike and I said all the things we are feeling. It wasn't pretty. Things got dicey between us for a couple days. We weren't seeing eye to eye and conversation wasn't leading anywhere. So my wonderful husband said we shouldn't talk about this topic for a day or so and spend time in the Word and praying. This would be a time to see how the Lord is working in our hearts and hopefully come together with a unified decision.
After our hard talk, we decided that we will not be moving forward with the kids. Hands down, the hardest decision of our life together thus far. The guilt I feel and the grief Mike feels is immense.
Almost 2 weeks ago, the little guy moved out and returned to his last foster home. We will not be seeing the older kids anymore. This is so sad. But we pray that the Lord will be working in their lives and will give them a mom and dad that will be exactly what they need.
What does this mean for us?
First, I will be starting counseling very soon to work on some of the things going on in my heart. We will also be get together with a couple friends who will be making sure that Mike and I stay on the same page in our desires to grow our family and where and how we move forward with our adoption mindedness. We will also be taking some time to enjoy being a family of 3 and seeing how that looks again.
Ways you can be praying? (I mean, I don't think many people even read this anymore!)
Pray for our hearts as we grieve (especially Mike). Pray for Emsley as she adjusts back to our old normal. Pray for us as we process this and focus on being the best parents to our Emsley girl. Pray that God would use this time to grow us to love and rely on Him in ways that we didn't even know possible. Pray that we would be able to see the ways in which God wants us to care for the orphans (especially that we would be on the same page about that). Pray for these 3 kids. Pray for their hearts. Pray that God takes them to a home that is exactly right and that the family will teach them about the Lord.
Oh man. Adoption is hard. Life is hard and this is the evidence.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
A Needed Update
I'm pretty sure that I'm the only person on the earth who reads this blog but here we go. Even if I am the only one reading it, I still want to document our family's adoption process and be able to look back and see how I was feeling at certain points in the process. So here we go.
We had our home study officially approved May of 2014 and were ready to go but after submitting our names for over 10 sibling sets we were not getting chosen for any of them. This started to become hard to take after each time they said they picked a different family. I mean, how many times can we possibly be passed up. It started to feel like maybe God was closing the door to our desire to adopt. But thank goodness God allowed us to get a new social worker who is really proactive and likes us lots. She wrote us a few weeks ago and recommended that we attend a little meeting where adoptive parents can attend and meet social workers from each of the Southern California counties and see which kids they have available. We were both so nervous and I thought this could very possibly be the most awkward thing we would ever go to. And I was partly correct.
We walked into this office and waited for our social worker to get there and then walked in and were told we could go to each table the county had and meet the social workers and any kids we were interested in we could ask questions and submit our home study whenever we want. After it was all over, we submitted our home study for 1 sibling set of 2 boys for San Bernardino county and 3 sibling sets for Riverside county (1 sib set of 2, and 2 sib sets of 3). Each set of kiddos we felt really good about and made good connections with the social workers from those counties so that is great. They said that we should hear news in about 2 weeks. Great, more waiting.
I don't do well with waiting...
One week and one day later I wrote our social worker and asked her if she has heard anything and thanked her for inviting and encouraging us to go to that little meeting. She wrote me the next day and said that she heard from Riverside county and they though one of the sib sets we submitted for would be great for us and they will meet Monday and let us know which kids. More waiting...
We found out late that Monday night that we were matched with a sibling set of 3 from Riverside county. A 10 year old girl, and 2 boys ages 6 and 4. They are amazing and gorgeous and we will be doubling our family as well as becoming a multi-ethnic family as they kids are hispanic/african american. Good thing we go to a church where families look unique around every corner!
So what is next?
This Friday at 10am, Mike and I will attend a meeting with the social worker and our social worker to discuss the kids and we can ask any questions we have about them. This meeting is called a full disclosure meeting. After this, we will give our final answer about whether we want to move forward to bring these kids home. And to be honest, it would have to take a biggie to make us say no to these 2 kids.
Ways to be praying... Oh man. Where do I begin!?!?! For peace as I have felt Satan attacking my insecurities and fears already about this. For our time as a family of 3 to be sweet. For Mike and I to connect well in the next couple weeks and months before life really changes. For all to come to light about these sweet kids at the meeting. And most importantly that we prepare ourselves to parent older kids who we want to raise to love the Lord!
Big changes for us....but so exciting!
We had our home study officially approved May of 2014 and were ready to go but after submitting our names for over 10 sibling sets we were not getting chosen for any of them. This started to become hard to take after each time they said they picked a different family. I mean, how many times can we possibly be passed up. It started to feel like maybe God was closing the door to our desire to adopt. But thank goodness God allowed us to get a new social worker who is really proactive and likes us lots. She wrote us a few weeks ago and recommended that we attend a little meeting where adoptive parents can attend and meet social workers from each of the Southern California counties and see which kids they have available. We were both so nervous and I thought this could very possibly be the most awkward thing we would ever go to. And I was partly correct.
We walked into this office and waited for our social worker to get there and then walked in and were told we could go to each table the county had and meet the social workers and any kids we were interested in we could ask questions and submit our home study whenever we want. After it was all over, we submitted our home study for 1 sibling set of 2 boys for San Bernardino county and 3 sibling sets for Riverside county (1 sib set of 2, and 2 sib sets of 3). Each set of kiddos we felt really good about and made good connections with the social workers from those counties so that is great. They said that we should hear news in about 2 weeks. Great, more waiting.
I don't do well with waiting...
One week and one day later I wrote our social worker and asked her if she has heard anything and thanked her for inviting and encouraging us to go to that little meeting. She wrote me the next day and said that she heard from Riverside county and they though one of the sib sets we submitted for would be great for us and they will meet Monday and let us know which kids. More waiting...
We found out late that Monday night that we were matched with a sibling set of 3 from Riverside county. A 10 year old girl, and 2 boys ages 6 and 4. They are amazing and gorgeous and we will be doubling our family as well as becoming a multi-ethnic family as they kids are hispanic/african american. Good thing we go to a church where families look unique around every corner!
So what is next?
This Friday at 10am, Mike and I will attend a meeting with the social worker and our social worker to discuss the kids and we can ask any questions we have about them. This meeting is called a full disclosure meeting. After this, we will give our final answer about whether we want to move forward to bring these kids home. And to be honest, it would have to take a biggie to make us say no to these 2 kids.
Ways to be praying... Oh man. Where do I begin!?!?! For peace as I have felt Satan attacking my insecurities and fears already about this. For our time as a family of 3 to be sweet. For Mike and I to connect well in the next couple weeks and months before life really changes. For all to come to light about these sweet kids at the meeting. And most importantly that we prepare ourselves to parent older kids who we want to raise to love the Lord!
Big changes for us....but so exciting!
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Our girl
Yes I am aware that this blog has been unused for a very long time. But today I had an idea for a post and was super excited to write for the first time in a while. Our girl has been amazing lately. Besides the random freak outs she has as a normal almost 3 year old, she is getting out of the terrible twos and entering into the terrific threes! I can see that the light at the end of the tunnel from the last 18 month is approaching and am glad that God gave Mike and I strength to endure this.
Emsley is getting her little heart ready for welcoming siblings into our home and with that I have loved watching her heart swell with joy at the idea that other kids will be living here possibly forever. And in the adoption process we are having to adjust some of our discipling with Emsley to prepare for how we are to discipline our soon to be kids. Emsley never responded well to spanking so that was easy to drop but time outs weren't always effective either. My patience for her is strong, only by the grace of God! And with that, I have been able to take a hard situation she is going through and get down to her level and talk about how and why she is feeling upset. I think this has helped her work out her feelings and handle her frustration with me and even her friends. This has really given her and I a sweet connection and I think we are more in sync with each other too!
She is always happy and using her new founded imagination! Daddy and her play treasure hunt or we do hair salon or we are playing with her easel learning how to spell and write her name. She is so smart and happy pretty much all the time! After her "nap" (which doesn't happen everyday!) she is so happy. Everyday she gets up and asks me if I'm happy and then tells me she is happy too and we hug and kiss for a couple minutes. I mean, seriously!
They say that for girls they are rough between 2 and 3…for Emsley it was 18 months till almost 3. But they also say that after 3, they are amazing and man are they right! We love our sweet girl!
Emsley is getting her little heart ready for welcoming siblings into our home and with that I have loved watching her heart swell with joy at the idea that other kids will be living here possibly forever. And in the adoption process we are having to adjust some of our discipling with Emsley to prepare for how we are to discipline our soon to be kids. Emsley never responded well to spanking so that was easy to drop but time outs weren't always effective either. My patience for her is strong, only by the grace of God! And with that, I have been able to take a hard situation she is going through and get down to her level and talk about how and why she is feeling upset. I think this has helped her work out her feelings and handle her frustration with me and even her friends. This has really given her and I a sweet connection and I think we are more in sync with each other too!
She is always happy and using her new founded imagination! Daddy and her play treasure hunt or we do hair salon or we are playing with her easel learning how to spell and write her name. She is so smart and happy pretty much all the time! After her "nap" (which doesn't happen everyday!) she is so happy. Everyday she gets up and asks me if I'm happy and then tells me she is happy too and we hug and kiss for a couple minutes. I mean, seriously!
They say that for girls they are rough between 2 and 3…for Emsley it was 18 months till almost 3. But they also say that after 3, they are amazing and man are they right! We love our sweet girl!
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